Taylor Swift is a Mature, Magnanimous Adult

Last night Taylor Swift opened the Grammys with a show-stopping number that proved what a seasoned professional the 23-year-old has grown into. And by that I mean she lived out some circus fantasy while awkwardly prancing around in a lion-tamer suit. Where’s that Mexican,man-eating tiger when you need him?

During her performance of We Are Never Getting Back Together, Taylor summoned her best cockney accent and said “So he calls me up and he’s like ‘Ah still louve you’ … and I’m like ‘I’m sorry, I’m busy opening up the Grammys…and we are never getting back together!’” (side note: I hope Taylor dates an Asian guy soon so she can make fun of his accent and everyone will call her a racist.)

This attempt at a diss was obviously directed at Taylor’s ex, Harry Styles, the 18-year-old who dumped Taylor because he realized he could be buried up to his eyebrows in easy pussy instead of watching Antiques Roadshow and listening to Taylor harp on about the new flatware she has her eye on. But in Taylor’s powderpuff-princess world, Harry begs her to come back and she tells him she has better things to do such as perform at the Grammys. This sounds just like most of my revenge fantasies but without the sodomy.

To top off her evening of retribution, Taylor went home and played dress up with her cat. No I’m serious. After the Grammys she tweeted the picture below of her cat, Meredith, with the caption “Video shoot early tomorrow, so my Grammy after-party situation looks like…” which we all know is bullshit because who would schedule a video shoot the morning after the Grammys? It’s not like Taylor works the 6 am shift at Denny’s, I’m pretty sure she has some say in her schedule.

We all know the real reason Taylor went home and cried into a hand-crocheted pillow covered in cat hair was because nobody would dare invite her to a party, lest her next single be called   “Everybody at the Grammys after-party was drinking and having a good time and ignoring me while I sipped ginger ale quietly in the corner by myself.”Image

Spoiler Alert: Taylor Swift Is A Frigid Bitch


Above: Taylor Swift posted this tweet after her break-up with One Direction’s Harry Styles to show what a spiteful, childish troll she is.

RadarOnline is reporting that the real reason Harry Styles dumped Taylor Swift is because he got tired of her asexual ways. Even though Taylor has a tendency to walk around with her mouth hanging open, she’s not putting that thing to good use.  Instead she’s using it to talk. You’re never gonna get a man like that Tay Tay!

According to a close pal of Taylor’s, she’s as stiff and prudeish in bed as she is looks in every other situation. via Radar:

“Taylor is so concerned that the public will think she’s a whore because she dates around, that she doesn’t put out. What she doesn’t get is that the guys keep dumping her because she’s being a prude. Harry found Taylor a little sexually uninterested. While it was clear she obviously had a thing for Harry, Taylor didn’t want to put out as often as he would’ve liked. Harry is a young boy, with ladies throwing themselves at him and has had a string of relationships with older women.

It’s no secret he’s sexually active and is enjoying his fame at the moment. But Taylor just wasn’t up for it as much as he is. They were sexually incompatible. Having a clean and wholesome reputation is super important to Taylor. She puts herself in these stupid situations but then honestly can’t understand why she’s getting such a shabby reputation. Harry wants to go out to fancy bars and clubs and enjoy being young – but Taylor’s more of a homebody and all she would talk about was antiques! It drove him crazy, so he gave her the elbow!”

Let me set you straight Taylor, everyone already thinks you’re a whore because when you’re dating someone everyone assumes your having sex anyway, so you might as well put out. People, especially men, will like you more if you put out, especially on the first date.  Guys love that. It shows you’re spontaneous and fun. That’s how I got my husband.  After you’re married you can sit around in your sweatpants watching Antiques Roadshow and pretend you have headache, but you’ve got a lot of work to do until then.

Taylor Swift and Harry Styles Are No More


That headline almost made it sound like they’re both dead; unfortunately that’s not the case, but the New York Daily News is reporting that the ‘couple in high school who everybody thought would be together forever’ have broken up after  two months, which is the most successful dating streak Taylor Swift has ever had.

This is good new for Harry, he’s 18, famous, and has so much poontang being thrown at him he’s practically drowning in it, despite looking like this.  Seriously? Is this what all those little girls are going ape shit about? He has the soft, pasty upper body of a priest’s personal choir boy, and I’m pretty sure that’s a third nipple there, and possibly a fourth! And why do his tattoos look like he let a 7th-grader go at him with a Sharpie? Doesn’t this kid have money?

I can’t believe I’m going on record saying this, but Taylor Swift could actually do way better than this guy. She may be an irksome baby with a sourpuss face, but at least she’s in shape, kind of.

Image:By Flickr: Eva Rinaldi Celebrity and Live Music Photographer’s photostream (Flickr: Styles) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0) or CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons