I’ve got Oscar fever! The fashion! The celebrities! The drama! The world’s most talented people putting their heartfelt works on the line for others to judge. Will they experience the euphoric highs known only to those whose souls’ inner workings are lauded and beloved by millions? Or will they experience the creative torture of being second-best, damned to walk in the shadow of someone more talented? I’ve got to be honest with you, friends. I absolutely love this time of year.

Or at least I’m supposed to say that. It was my duty to write about the Academy Awards this year and so I did my damnedest to get hyped about them. I tried; really, I did. I meant to sit down and watch them on YouTube that weekend because I think they’re streamed to YouTube. Most important things are streamed to YouTube these days. But yeah, I got a little busy that weekend.

Okay, you know what? Fuck it. I don’t even know if the Academy Awards were on a weekend or a weekday or a multitude of days. I don’t know because the Oscars are to awards shows what Facebook is to social media: bloated, universally hated, and mostly just a tool for rich people to sink their seemingly phallic electrocuting hooks into my skin and electrocute me until I obey. Well, don’t threaten me with a good time, Academy Awards, because I have easier ways to get my rocks off that don’t involve me wasting an evening watching people pretend to care about getting handed a statue.

When I realized that I missed the Academy Awards, I gotta be honest: I panicked. I knew that in order to make it up, I had to write the greatest Oscars article of all time, the quintessential article that would be linked to for years to come whenever anyone talked about the 2020 show (which they never will again, let’s be honest). And so I did some research. It wasn’t hard, because scrolling through any social media feed is just a clusterfuck of people being mad about the entire show. Armed with my newfound knowledge, I stood ready to construct a lasting tribute to the unrivaled glitz and glamour that is the Oscars. So I present to you, the one, the only… 10 things you NEED to know about the Academy Awards.

1. A Tribute Was Held In Honor Of The Founder Of The Oscars

In an effort to understand the history of the event, I googled “the first ocsars” [sic]. Once I corrected my spelling, this was the first picture to pop up. Pictured here is Oscar, the man who founded the event, giving the “Best Wife of the Year” Oscar to his wife. Tragically, Oscar would die later that year of Lou Gehrig’s disease, but not before famously giving his speech about considering himself the luckiest man on the face on the planet all while looking into the eyes of this loving beauty. His life truly was inspiring and because this year marked the 100th anniversary of his death, a touching moment of silence was held. Although it was not shown on television, rapper Eminem said “This one’s for you, Oscar” before performing his song Lose Yourself.

2. Eminem Was There But Someone Told Me He Didn’t Win An Oscar

Speaking of Eminem, he was snubbed again this year. Despite his performance receiving quite the intense ovation, no one gave him an Oscar for it. Some sources indicate he was not even allowed back onto the stage for the rest of the show despite positive responses by the crowd, proving again that the Academy Awards are biased.

Eminem, if you read this, you’re amazing and we’re all waiting for you to make a sequel to 8 Mile.

3. Thanks To The Magic Of Photography, You Can Still Masturbate To The Images Of Scantily-Clad Celebrities Even Though The Show Is Over

If you missed the chance to masturbate to your favorite stars wearing very little, do not panic. Thanks to the advent of digital recording photographic networking communications technology, many images of the sexy celebs have been saved to the Internet for you and are just a Google search away. You can also just look at porn. There’s millions of pornographic models and they do so much more than walk down a red carpet, sit and watch a show, and give acceptance speeches. Statistically speaking, you’re nigh-guaranteed to find something you find sexier and easier to masturbate to than the stars at the awards. Porn is like the Academy Awards for smart people.

4. Very Little Is Known Still About The Academy

Who are the members of the shadowy Academy? Why was it founded? What is their current goal? So little is known about the Academy, but one thing coming to light lately is the totally weird way they make the awards! In a 2018 interview, Guillermo del Toro admitted that each award has a different ancient rune written on the bottom of it and that they all have a mysterious ticking noise coming from inside, all making the noise in perfect synchronization. Actor Vin Diesel, bearing a Master’s in theoretical math, was able to prove that the ticking is actually slowing down at a logarithmic rate. At Midnight on New Year’s Eve 2099, they will slow down to exactly one tick a year.

5. No One Died Again

This is why I don’t watch this shitshow of an awards ceremony. Wake me up when something interesting happens.

6. A Guy In A Superhero Movie Won Best Actor

Yeah, I know. I’m fucking sick of superhero movies, too, but look, they’re big money right now, okay? Especially in China. Sometimes you just have to bite your upper lip, chill out for five minutes, and just let them pick a superhero movie to give an award to, okay? Congrats to whoever the fuck this guy is. You win!

7. Everyone Is Really Mad That Some Guy Talked In Korean

The movie Parasite won best picture. It’s a gripping, eye-opening movie that shines light on the I don’t know I didn’t watch that, either. I don’t know anything about this movie other than that it beat out two other movies I didn’t watch which people wanted to win. The real slap in the face, however, came when it turned out that the guy who made it was Korean! Laughing at our country and mocking our democracy, he touted a traditional Korean insult: “みなさん、ありがとうございます。愛しています。” Loosely translated, this means “I curse the country which I have so easily spat upon the proud history of.” Troubling.

8. While They Were Being Aired, I Was Looking Up Clips From Old Episodes Of Cops On YouTube

I think one of the most interesting facts about the Academy Awards is that the reason I didn’t see them is that (upon looking up when they aired) I was looking up clips from old episodes of Cops on YouTube. A quick look at my search history on YouTube is most telling:

9. I Think Brad Pitt Won Something

I don’t know for sure if Brad Pitt won something but I think he did because I keep seeing this picture of him going around looking like he’s about to get uppity while he holds one. In fact, I used it as the header for this article.

10. Al Pacino Is Still Alive

I had no fucking idea Al Pacino was still alive, but it seems to be the case because he was in this movie The Irishman that was nominated. That’s nuts to me. I thought he was dead. For those those who don’t know, Pacino is the biological son of the late, great Marlon Brando, a man most known for his role in the 1996 masterpiece The Island of Dr. Moreau. Brando died or something and his son Al decided to keep the acting tradition alive. Here’s to him knocking one more out of the park before he kicks the bucket.

That’s it for my Academy Awards recap. I hope you all learned something.