Kat Von D Engaged to Dead Mua5, Kind Of

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Kat Von D got engaged  this weekend to DJ Deadmau5 who proposed via Twitter using the above picture. Notice the semantics: “Soon, I hope.”

I dated a quite a few losers before I got married (yes, I’m taken. Sorry to ruin Christmas,) so I feel qualified to interpret this.  When a man who wears a mouse hat tweets you a picture of a ring that he says he’s bought for you and that it will be ready ‘soon, he hopes,’  it means he looked at rings on the internet in between jerk-off sessions on pornhub.com and he found one he thinks you might like at Hot Topic.  He thought about buying it, but  he didn’t, he did remember to save the picture to send to you, so in case he forgets to give you a real Christmas gift he can propose online and not have to actually buy anything.

This is the kind of half-assed idea you come up with after drinking a 40oz. and smoking a couple bowls. At least you were in his thoughts Kat, but it may take a while for you to see that ring.

That’s okay though, because Kat will have time to finish the laser tattoo removal of Jesse James ugly childhood portrait that she has under her armpit (pictured above.) It’s probably good she’s doing that now.  Not only is it pretty awkward to stare at the face of a little boy while you’re trying to have sex with your gutter-slut fiancé, it’s even weirder if you remember that the boy in the portrait’s man juices are still marinating in the cavernous hole you’re currently trying to blow your load in.

Image: Twitter, Instagram

Edward Furlong Might Be On Drugs

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I don’t care what anyone says about Edward Furlong, Arachnoquake was awesome.  He was a total hero in that movie, and he saved the lives of the girl’s softball team on that bus!  

And he’s really been working on his personal life. You know, self improvement.  See how much weight he’s gained? Especially in his face. Lookin’ good Eddie!

  But Furlong’s ex-wife doesn’t seem to care about that.  She filed court papers saying he’s a drug addict and shouldn’t be around their six-year-old son; she also claims the child tested positive for cocaine after spending time with the actor.

  What’s wrong with a little father-son bonding over a line of coke? At least the guy’s trying! It beats a two-by-four with a nail in it, which is how my dad bonded with me.

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By Egon Eagle (Wikimedia Commons: File:Edward Furlong image.JPG) [CC0], via Wikimedia Commons

Anne Hathaway’s Vagina May Hurt Her Career

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I was always under the impression that the best way for a woman to get to the top in any industry was to flash some vadge.  But Anne Hathaway is some kind of Puritanical prude, because she’s afraid the pink taco exposé she did at the New York premiere of Le Mis has hurt her chances of bringing home a golden dildo shaped like a little man next year. If this turns out to be true I might have to rethink my entire career strategy. (Note to self: No vadge flashing until this is resolved.)

From Hollywoodlife:

“Anne is really hoping for an Oscar for Les Misérables, and she’s worried that this misstep will hurt her credibility as an actress.”

The source points out one reason Anne is so distraught over her commando catastrophe is because she is afraid it has cast a shadow over a project that is very special to her.

For starters, Anne is pretty lucky her vagina drew attention away from that outfit. As far as credibility goes, she just got all the credibility she needed; she proved she’s not a dude, which I was somewhat dubious about until now.

Image: Fashion photographer Anthony Citrano at http://www.zigzaglens.com/ derivative work: Bff (Anne_Hathaway_2008.jpg) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

‘Chat’ With Lindsay Lohan

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ImageLindsay Lohan’s voice sounds like one of Marge Simpson’s sisters, so I’m not sure what to make of this offer from famed New York strip club Scores to pay Lindsay’s storage bill and rent in exchange for her serving as an online video chat host for its website, no nudity required. 

Am I missing something? Does the word ‘chat’ mean something different now? Because right now all Lindsay has going for her is tits. 

Image: Fame Flynet

Taylor Swift May Have Already Found Her Next Boyfriend

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Will prefer jail after first date

A 24-year-old man was arrested for trespassing at Taylor Swift’s Nashville home early Friday morning after taking a bus from Wisconsin to be with the singer

According to TMZ, Jacob Kulke was arrested at 1:45 AM after allegedly hopping a fence at the property. Kulke was detained by security and when police arrived, he told them he was Swift’s boyfriend.

According to reports, Kulke told police he had been in contact with someone at the home via social media and he came to town to celebrate Swift’s birthday (which was Thursday).

First of all, how are we to know this guy isn’t Swift’s boyfriend? Second, if he’s not currently her boyfriend, I’m willing to wager that he might be in the near future. Third, quit being such an uppity cunt Taylor.  This guy took a bus. From Wisconsin. Just to be with you on your stupid birthday, and you had him arrested.  I just wrote the first three lines of your next hit song. Fourth, the great thing about stalkers is they’ll likely never leave you, although with Taylor that’s still kind of iffy.

Image:By Marcin Wichary from San Francisco, U.S.A.  Uploaded by MyCanon (Taylor Swift) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

The Daily Discharge

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Sean Penn is a whiny little bitch. Dlisted

“It’s my constitutional right to fuck this donkey”’ said this guy. HuffingtonPost 

Liam Hemsworth beat up some random guy, reminding Miley why she fell in love with him  in the first place. TMZ

Just when you thought Jennifer Aniston couldn’t be any more stiff and plastic looking. TheSuperficial 

Image:Rhughes2270 at en.wikipedia

Christmas Almost Came Early This Year For Everyone Except Justin Bieber

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Above: Justin Bieber posing like a little bitch.

Justin Bieber attended the  Power 96.1 Jingle Ball last night looking like this. Which makes me wonder why this is the first and only murder plot I’ve heard about.

Schemes hatched in prison are usually the best laid out, because the incarcerated have plenty of time to plot out the minutest detail, and they know how to make wine in a toilet, which seems pretty smart to me. So I’m surprised and terribly disappointed this didn’t work out.

Dana Martin, a convicted killer serving two life sentences for raping and killing a 15-year-old girl in Vermont, and a very persuasive speaker, convinced fellow prisoner Mark Staake to carry out a few murders for him.  You know, just a few people who slighted him in the past, and oh yeah, Justin Bieber.

Once Staake was released from prison he recruited his even more suggestible nephew, Tanner Ruane, to help carry out the murder spree.  Martin had given the men specific instructions on how to carry out the killings: Bieber and his bodyguard were to be castrated and strangled with a paisley tie. Ugh, oh my God, that’s disgusting! I fucking hate paisley!

Martin, who is obsessed with Bieber and has a tattoo of him on his leg, had a change of heart, and in a race against time, told authorities about the plot before any harm could be done to Canada’s biggest load of vaginal discharge since Avril Lavigne.  The End.