Six Degrees of Kardashian

Bruce_JennerEveryone knows the Kardashian women are a bunch of hairy, selfish chaunches, but I always saw Bruce Jenner as a kind of sweet grandma who gets pushed around by her ungrateful family because she’s afraid they’ll put her in a home if she speaks up.

I guess I was wrong, because he’s a fame whore too, and he’s managed to make a personal connection to the Newtown shooting and make it about himself because *brace yourselves* Bruce went to Newtown high, 40 years ago; and he’s sad and angry and upset about what happened.  And he wanted E! News and everyone else to know.  Later on I’ll be writing an in-depth economic review of the European debt crisis because I went there once.

Image:By jla0379 [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Courtney Stodden is Naked, Wants You to Notice

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America’s favorite human sex-trafficking victim, Courtney Stodden, must have gotten into Doug’s wine coolers and popped a few extra Adderall because she became a little attention-hungry. So she did what every red-blooded, barely legal American girl does, and took some sexy holiday photos and sent them to the good people at Eonline, because those cock-suckers will publish anything, and apparently, so will I. Full link here.

Image: Twitter @courtneystodden

Rihanna is Stupid, Filthy Rich

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Let’s face it, Rihanna’s taken quite a few blows to the head.  That’s why she’s always posting pictures on Twitter like the one above of her ‘lonely’ bed aboard her private jet, alluding  that she and Chris Brown are no longer an item and she’s single now.  I’m guessing this is a cry for attention and help, but then she goes and tweets this picture of her new Porshe. Oh, and did I mention she’s about to purchase a $12 million mansion in L.A.?  I’ll pause so you can slam your head against the wall a few times.

I don’t care what they try to teach you in school, being stupid really does pay, but only if you’re hot and you dress like a slut.

Image: Twitter/Instagram – @badgalriri

Ke$ha was FORCED to Sing Annoying Song.

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In the wake of the Newtown, Connecticut school shooting, the media has become hyper-sensitive to anything that has a remote mention of violence or death, yanking T.V. episodes off the air and delaying movie premieres, until we all forget about it in two weeks and everything goes back to normal  But, one good thing has come out of all of this: Ke$ha’s song ‘Die Young’ is being yanked off the airwaves too, but for all the wrong reasons.

If you listen to the lyrics of the song, they’re annoying and will probably incite deep feelings of hatred and violence, but it’s not actually about ‘dying young.’  It’s a fucking simile people!

“Let’s make the most of the night like we’re gonna die young,”  See that word, ‘like’? It’s saying to have fun and live your life because you may die sooner than you think.  Fuck! I’m not only quoting Ke$ha now, I’m defending her trite, poorly written song.

But even though Ke$ha claims she’s some kind of ‘Warrior,’ she rolled on this thing faster than Lindsay Lohan trying to pin a gram on one of her assistants. Now, she’s apologizing for the song and saying she was forced to sing it even though she didn’t want to, tweeting:

“I had my very own issues with “die young” for this reason.  I did NOT want to sing those lyrics and I was FORCED TO.”

Yes. Forced.  To sing the song. Over and over again, Ad Nauseum. Probably a couple hundred takes in the recording studio, then at all her concerts.  Because Ke$ha’s really smart and she knows what a terrible song it is; she only sang it because they were holding her millions of dollars hostage if she didn’t. It must be really hard standing up for what you believe in after the fact, in order to make yourself appear blameless for something that has absolutely nothing to do with you in the first place.

Image:By Kesha_MuchMusic_Soundcheck.jpg: Jeff Denberg derivative work: Fixer23 (Kesha_MuchMusic_Soundcheck.jpg)

Kim Kardashian Has Compromised Kanye West’s Credibility

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Above: Kanye West looking stunned after being told his career was found in Kim Kardashian’s vadge.

Kim Kardashian’s vagina is like a black hole, a singularity with so much mass and density that it sucks in and crushes anything that comes too close to its gravitational pull, even light. And Kanye West’s career has passed the Event Horizon and is being sucked in like its caught in the Death Star’s tractor beam.  At least that’s what the New York Daily News is saying, without the cool science analogy. Read on:

 A Confidenti@l that West’s popularity is waning and he has become tainted, with too many appearances on “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” pictures in the celebrity weeklies and a girlfriend unwelcome in the world of high fashion.

They said ‘taint.’

Once gracing the pages of VMAN and GQ, his face is now splattered all over whatever Kardashian is promoting.

“His personal life is overpowering his music,” an industry source says. “Every time he plays, people are wondering if Kim is going to be there. It’s not a good thing for him, especially if he wants to be taken seriously.”

In Kanye’s last public appearance he pranced around in one of Kim’s leather skirts. And no, that shit was not a ‘kilt,’ don’t even try to pull that one. I take chlamydia seriously; not Kanye.

In the beginning of their relationship, West tried to put his foot down when it came to appearing on the Kardashian family’s shows. “He made it clear to her he doesn’t want to be on her show, but Kim gets upset so he caves in,” adds the source.

So let this be a lesson to all of you out there: Being around Kim Kardashian will ultimately cause your life to unravel in a death spiral.  Ask her cat.

Janice Dickinson is Getting Married…Again!

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Did you ever read that book by F. Scott Fitzgerald about the psychiatrist who marries a patient out of pity and she ends up ruining his personal life and professional credibility?  Well fuck reading, that shit is about to go down in real life when Janice Dickinson marries some nut-case psychiatrist who proposed to her after dating her for three months.  She gets free access to a prescription pad, he gets…uh…to have sex with Janice Dickinson? Is that good?

Janice Dick-Lips is already telling people that her fourth wedding is going to be the best ever; so extravagant that it makes Brad and Angelina’s upcoming wedding look like a trip to the court house. Her words, not mine. Because what’s really important is an over-the-top, extravagant wedding with 1,000 of your closest friends and a life-size ice sculpture of Janice; the whole ‘marriage’ part will work itself out.  At least for a good three months or so.

By 7login7 (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

The Daily Discharge

ImageRemember when I said that making fun of Lindsay Lohan these days is like barfing in a toilet that somebody’s already taken a dump in? Somebody flushed.  Page6

Brace yourself for the World’s largest camel toe. (SFW, barely) DailyMail

Miley Cyrus looks…Different. wwtdd

That little queer from One Direction was finally able to ditch Taylor Swift and have a good time. IDLYITW

Image:By Christopher Macsurak (Lindsay Lohan) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons