Author Archives: thevadge

The President Can Party Harder Than Anybody

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After two days of inaugural balls and formalities the President and First Lady would be ready for some rest and relaxation. But Barack Obama is the first black president and this mother-fucker has swagger, so instead him and Michelle partied their faces off until 3 a.m. with a bunch of celebrities, and Bill Clinton was there too! From Page Six:

Barack and Michelle danced past 3 a.m. at the spectacular private bash in the East Room for their closest friends and supporters.

One guest told us, “The president and Usher had a dance-off to ‘Gangnam Style’ along with Janelle Monáe. The president was a good dancer, but Usher threw down some amazing Michael Jackson-style moves.

“They played ‘Single Ladies.’ and all the women were dancing, led by Michelle. Later, everyone lined up and did the electric slide, and the president led a party line around the room. Most people did the conga with him. The only people who weren’t dancing were Bill Clinton (without Hillary), Timothy Geithner and John Kerry.

“Pick any party you’ve ever been to, this was a thousand times better,” our source said.

I’m almost speechless after reading this. A dance off with Usher? Bill Clinton quietly masturbating in the corner? Do you expect me to believe anyone still does the electric slide?  This is some serious bragging here. A thousand times better than any party I’ve ever been to? I mean the 1987 Continental Maritime annual company picnic didn’t have Usher, but it did have a bounce house. I didn’t hear any mention of a bounce house in that story.

Image:PD

Kim Kardashian Has Forgotten Her Roots

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Pregnant Kim Kardashian Arriving On A Flight At LAX

Remember this six months from now when Kim sells the first pictures of her baby to People for $10 million, because a source from the New York Daily News claims that Kim will not be selling  her baby pictures. Via Hollywood Life:

“Kim isn’t going to sell the pics. She’s not interested in doing that at all,” the source told the newspaper.

Ever since dating Kanye — who is super private like his pals Beyonce and Jay-Z — Kim has changed her priorities.

“Kris is the one who wants to make money, but Kanye has changed Kim so much. He’s not interested in doing any of that. He did one episode of her show and he’s not coming back on,” the source added. ”He’s not ever shown on Kourtney & Kim Take Miami. It’s just not good for his image and he’s way more private than Kim.”

The source added that Kim will probably release photos of her and Kanye’s baby on her own terms.

“She will tweet out the baby pic or do something like that,” the source said.

What Kim seems to have forgotten is that Kanye, Beyonce and Jay-Z are all talented to some degree. Well maybe not so much Kanye. But Kim, Kim isn’t really good at anything, unless getting slapped in the face with an enormous black dick while staring into a camera constitutes talent now. No? I didn’t think so.

In fact the only thing Kim and the rest of her vacuous, money hungry family is good at is exposing their mind-numbingly vapid day-to-day lives via every media outlet possible. These people sell their used underwear on e-bay, I wouldn’t be surprised if they started selling their toenail clippings, and we all know god-damn well that if Kris Jenner could score a deal with Kotex, every last one of them would be Instagramming their used tampons.

So when Kim says she values privacy now and won’t be selling her pictures, what she really meant to say was, “I haven’t heard my name mentioned in the last 24 hours, so let me say something completely implausible and stupid so you can talk about me some more.”

And it worked! God Damn You Kim, It Worked!!!!

Image:Fame/Flynet

NKOTB Are Coming to a Venue Near You

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Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. I think I got a hemorrhoid when I read this. Brace yourselves, People is reporting that New Kids On The Block, will be dropping a new album and going on tour this summer with Boyz II Men and 98 Degrees. It’s a baker’s dozen of has-beens performing at your nearest casino or mall!

From People:

The New Kids on the Block are back!

The band plans to bring some heat this summer when they hit the road for a brand new headlining tour – and they’re bringing along a few famous friends: 98 Degrees and Boyz II Men will open all shows on the jaunt, which kicks off May 31 in Uncasville, Conn.

“It just seems like we are getting better and better,” Joey McIntyre, 40, tells PEOPLE. “We’re excited to get out there, rock out and have fun.”

Along with the announcement of their tour, the multi-platinum selling group will release 10 – their first new album in over four years – on April 2.

“We have been doing this for almost 25 years,” says McIntyre. “So it’s important that the music and the lyrics speak to who we are as grown men – and the album reflects that.”

I’m guessing that means the new songs are going to be about their respective searches for gainful employment and coming to terms with erectile dysfunction, but who cares! As long as they promise to sing “This One’s for the Children.”

Image:photo by Alan Light [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

 

Lindsay Lohan Rejects Dancing With the Stars

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ImageAnother week, another series of mind-boggling Lindsay Lohan stories. Lindsay posted the above picture to Instagram yesterday then promptly took it down, because Max George in no way wants to acknowledge that he’s sleeping with the drug mule. That would be like sleeping with the girl who cleans the toilets on the tour bus, but worse.

Today, TMZ is reporting that Lindsay turned down a half-million dollar offer to appear on Dancing With the Stars. Considering Lindsay is a few eight-balls away from giving $20 hand-jobs in the alley behind Chateau Marmont, and that she owes thousands in back taxes, and thousands more to her lawyer, and she’s being sued by a former assistant, I find her turning this down a little surprising. Especially since we all know Lindsay makes such good decisions.

According to the report, Lindsay would never consider reality TV and only wants to stick to films. Even though the past five years of Lindsay’s career has been a reality circus of  arrests, court appearances and fights, Lindsay draws the line at getting paid for dancing on a respectable and popular TV show. I mean what could be more embarrassing than accidentally doing an inside turn when you were supposed to do a ball-change?

“That’s right, I got fuckin’ standards ya blow hards,” Lindsay responded, a Parliament dangling from her lips as she scratched her crotch and swigged from a half-empty bottle of Poplov.

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I can think of numerous reasons James Franco is one of the biggest, most pretentious, smug douchebags in the universe, and that was before I knew he wrote poetry too. Yahoo! News asked Franco to write a poem for the presidential inauguration, and you know James Franco couldn’t turn down a chance to show the president how amazingly talented James Franco is. For this poem alone I’m nominating James Franco for Douche of the Year 2013.

Most people, even celebrities would probably turn down an offer to write a poem for the president because it’s kind of a big deal and there’s a lot of potential for embarrassment, especially if you’re just some actor and not a particularly good actor, or writer for that matter. But not James Franco! And even though his word vomit would make Charles Bukowski rise from his grave just to kick him in the nuts, it didn’t stop Franco from turning in his paper on time and demanding an ‘A’.

This guy is so arrogant and wannabe eclectic it’s only a matter of time before he’s paper macheing his turds, mounting them on ‘found art’ i.e. garbage and selling them at his soon-to-open New York gallery. You suck James Franco! And so did Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and so does your poem, and not in an ironic, hipster kind of way that really makes it cool.

Here’s the link if you want to watch Jesus reincarnate recite his poem. But if you’re prone to diarrhea you might just want to read my cliff notes below:

Obama in Asheville

James Franco wrote a poem about James Franco having to write an inaugural poem. James Franco didn’t know what to write, and James Franco is in Asheville, and Obama isn’t (hence the title) So James Franco ate a burrito, then called his class at UCLA to tell them what movies to watch because James Franco teaches a class at UCLA, did you know that?

Then James Franco remembered the time Obama got to meet him at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner and that The President of the United States had seen Spiderman, and of course, already knew who James Franco was.

He ends by saying if James Franco ever plays Obama in a movie, he’d win an Academy Award. Did I mention the poem was written by James Franco?

You can also read the poem in its entirety here.

Daily Discharge

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Rihanna may be suffering long-term brain damage from copious marijuana use and repeated blows to the head, but damned if she doesn’t give the people what they want! (above)

Let the downward spiral begin! Britney Spears is single and not wearing a bra. The Superficial

“Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens are totally lesbians now,” I concluded after seeing this picture and taking it completely out of context. ICYDK

Beyonce and Kelly Clarkson sang this morning. Oh, and there was some kind of inauguration or something. D Listed

Image:Instagram_@rihanna