I can think of numerous reasons James Franco is one of the biggest, most pretentious, smug douchebags in the universe, and that was before I knew he wrote poetry too. Yahoo! News asked Franco to write a poem for the presidential inauguration, and you know James Franco couldn’t turn down a chance to show the president how amazingly talented James Franco is. For this poem alone I’m nominating James Franco for Douche of the Year 2013.

Most people, even celebrities would probably turn down an offer to write a poem for the president because it’s kind of a big deal and there’s a lot of potential for embarrassment, especially if you’re just some actor and not a particularly good actor, or writer for that matter. But not James Franco! And even though his word vomit would make Charles Bukowski rise from his grave just to kick him in the nuts, it didn’t stop Franco from turning in his paper on time and demanding an ‘A’.

This guy is so arrogant and wannabe eclectic it’s only a matter of time before he’s paper macheing his turds, mounting them on ‘found art’ i.e. garbage and selling them at his soon-to-open New York gallery. You suck James Franco! And so did Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and so does your poem, and not in an ironic, hipster kind of way that really makes it cool.

Here’s the link if you want to watch Jesus reincarnate recite his poem. But if you’re prone to diarrhea you might just want to read my cliff notes below:

Obama in Asheville

James Franco wrote a poem about James Franco having to write an inaugural poem. James Franco didn’t know what to write, and James Franco is in Asheville, and Obama isn’t (hence the title) So James Franco ate a burrito, then called his class at UCLA to tell them what movies to watch because James Franco teaches a class at UCLA, did you know that?

Then James Franco remembered the time Obama got to meet him at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner and that The President of the United States had seen Spiderman, and of course, already knew who James Franco was.

He ends by saying if James Franco ever plays Obama in a movie, he’d win an Academy Award. Did I mention the poem was written by James Franco?

You can also read the poem in its entirety here.