Monthly Archives: July 2013

Charlie Sheen is Rejected by the Loch Ness Monster

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Last week Charlie Sheen and two friends flew his private jet to Scotland for a 24-hour spur of the moment expedition to find the Loch Ness Monster, because if Charlie can magically make a hooker and an ounce of coke disappear in an hour, surely, he can make a non-existent creature of folk-lore that’s only been seen once reappear.

“Present yourself to me elusive creature of the murky deep so that I might put my wiener in one of your magical holes.”

From TMZ:

Charlie Sheen fueled up his private jet for a 24-hour mission to accomplish what no one else has been able to for the last 80 years … find the Loch Ness Monster.

Charlie flew to Scotland last week — and sources close to the Warlock tell us it was literally a last minute call … like most of his decisions.
We’re told Sheen brought along his two pals — ex-baseball star Todd Zeile and longtime stand-in Brian Pekk … we’re told Charlie and co. rented a boat and headed out to search for Nessie — armed only with a bottle of scotch.

While I have no doubts that Charlie got drunk on a boat with two other men, kind of like an adult version of “Three Men in a Tub” that ends in a circle jerk, this is obviously a cover-story for their real mission: Picking up a black-market shipment of tiger penis from China. A man’s gotta get his fix.

Image:By Joella Marano (Charlie Sheen) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

So This is Still a Thing

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Despite all the rumors of them breaking up because Miley is millionaire, ghetto hoodrat who wears oversized Tu-Pac shirts with no pants now and should at this point be sleeping with the entire LA Lakers starting lineup. Here’s a picture a fan snapped of Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus in Canada not at all looking like a couple that was fighting but had to awkwardly pretend like they were getting along to take a picture with fan. Great smile guys, you’ve got them all fooled!

George Clooney and Stacy Keibler Split; No Eyebrows Raised

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Not that anyone should be surprised, since any woman he dates has a two-year expiration date that ends at the first mention of the word ‘biological clock,’ George Clooney and Stacy Keibler have finally split. Which means an army of obscure actresses and models are bleaching their buttholes and dusting off their red carpet attire in the hopes that George will choose them to have sex with and be photographed before unceremoniously dumping them at the first sign of a crow’s foot.

George is always classy enough to allow the woman he was dating to save face and tell the tabloids that she broke with him, which is a far cry from George waking up in the middle of the night to find Stacy hovered over his testicles with a web page open on how to perform a reverse vasectomy.

But not to worry Stacy, George offers a lovely severance package, that for his last girlfriend, Elisabetta Canalis included a house in Italy. Of course, Elizabetta went on to date Steve-O after that, so forget about that, just think about the house. The only thing I get when I break up with a guy is a restraining order and a prescription for penicillin.

Image:http://www.flickr.com/people/21139095@N00 via wikipedia commones

Gwyneth Paltrow is Still Natural, Might be Dead Soon

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In a way, I like Gwyneth Paltrow because 1.) she had sex with Brad Pitt before Jennifer Aniston, and yet she doesn’t bitch about anyone ‘stealing’ him from her, and 2.) her over privileged, out-of-touch viewpoints allow her to make dangerous assertions about health with a straight face, she’s like Jenny McCarthy without the autism and fake tits.

In a recent interview with British Cosmoplitan Gwyneth says she disagrees with doctors who warn against excessive sun exposure, because anything natural can’t be bad for you. Via US Weekly:

Surprisingly, Paltrow tells the magazine disagrees with doctors who warn patients to avoid tanning. “We’re human beings and the sun is the sun — how can it be bad for you? I think we should all get sun and fresh air,” the actress tells British Cosmopolitan. “I don’t think anything that is natural can be bad for you — it’s really good to have at least 15 minutes of sun a day.”

Which is true, sunlight is important for the synthesis of Vitamin D which helps the body absorb calcium. Of course skin color, ie. the amount of melanin in our skin, evolved as humans spread across the globe with those in equatorial regions possessing darker skin tones as protection against the year-round sun, and those in in higher latitudes having lighter skin tones to allow them to absorb what little sunlight they get. Of course all that shit went out the window with modern transportation because  our bodies evolve a little more slowly than a jetliner travelling at 500 miles an hour. So she’s partially right, except for the whole ‘anything natural can’t be bad for you part.’ I’ve compiled a brief list of naturally occurring things that are actually quite harmful:

arsenic, uranium,  spiders, carbon monoxide,cancer, wolves, plutonium, ricin, snakes, tobacco, hydrogen sulfide, SARS etc…

But go ahead and try them anyways Gwynny. All things in moderation right?

Image: Fame/Flynet

Jennifer Aniston Was Forced to Eat the Food of the Commoner’s Once

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Above: Jennifer Aniston looking as natural as a man receiving a blow job from a baby harp seal.

In a recent interview with New York Magazine, Jennifer Aniston recounted the most horrible, gut-wrenching experience of her life: When Brad dumped her for Angelina The time she ate at McDonalds. And Jen’s body reacted to the greasy food of the masses like any digestive system that subsists solely on the evaporated tears of starving children would react: Poorly, and with a lot of diarrhea I’m guessing.

 I’ll never forget when Justin and I were on a road trip and we were so hungry. The only thing around was McDonald’s. I think I ordered a Big Mac. Wow, my body did not react well to that! It was like putting gasoline in a purified system. I am always trying to eat organic and natural foods, so that just made my stomach turn and made me feel terrible.

Go back in exile to your self-sustaining, Adirondack retreat Gwyneth, there’s a new out-of-touch, supercilious bitch in town! Forget that I can eat an entire meal at Mc Donald’s for less than $4, while organic, free-range, grass-fed beef will set me back $19.99 a pound at Whole Foods. Forget that many Americans can’t afford to buy fresh produce, let alone organic, yet over-processed, high-fructose corn syrup filled food is subsidized by the government. Did this bitch really just call her self a ‘purified system’? Because I’m pretty sure  44-year-old body being kept youthful by the good graces of plastic surgery, botox and millions of dollar’s worth of fetal stem cells and God knows what else is a far cry from being ‘purified’ no matter how much organic, flax dust she inhales for lunch.

Image:gdcgraphics via Wikipedia Commons

Jennifer Lopez is Really Hard Up

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Jennifer Lopez has an estimated net worth of $250 million but apparently she still needed another diamond encrusted tortilla warmer because she was willing to perform for the president of Turkmenistan for the paltry sum of $1.5 million, a country described by  Human Rights Watch as “one of the world’s most repressive.” And since the internet tends to get pissed off when privileged  celebrities pander to tyrannical leaders to make a quick buck, J-ello is now doing damage control. First by claiming she didn’t know anything about the country she flew to and performed in, which would have made sense 100 years ago before things like encyclopedias, or fuck Google, was available. And now she’s saying she didn’t travel to Turkmenistan to perform for its president, she was there to perform for the China National Petroleum Corp and was tricked into singing Happy Birthday. Because, yeah, that sounds much better, I’m sure they’re doing a lot of good in the world. From TMZ:

Mega-manager Benny Medina tells TMZ … Jennifer was NOT in Turkmenistan to perform for the Prez — she was hired by the China National Petroleum Corp. for a corporate concert.  Lopez sang 3 songs, and Medina says as she finished her set someone walked up to him and said President Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow was in the audience and asked him if Lopez would come back on stage and wish him happy birthday.
Medina says it was HIS decision to bring Lopez back on stage at the end of the concert.  Medina tells us … the Prez got on stage and the M.C. started goading Lopez to sing “Happy Birthday” — singing it quietly in her ear, goading her on the spot to sing the Bday song.

Considering Jennifer Lopez is an arrogant mule who if she could would have a person with a lazy eye executed for looking at her the wrong way, I have a hard time believing anyone could make her do anything she didn’t want to do, especially a Turkmen MC at what’s essentially a high-end company picnic. Still, J-ello wants everyone to know that she didn’t know any better and is really sorry, but not so sorry that she won’t give the money back or donate it to charity or anything. She’s not stupid you guys.

Image:By Martakis_jennifer_lopez.jpg: Universal Music Greece