Monthly Archives: February 2013

Kim Kardashian:Fashion Victim

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Kim Kardashian did a fashion spread for the March issue of  Elle magazine, and if Kim Kardashian doesn’t conjure up images of high fashion for you it’s because squat, troll-like women have no place in the fashion world. And I’m not the only one who thinks that. Stylist Nicola Formichetti claimed no designers would lend Kim clothes to use for the shoot in what he called ‘fashion snobbery.’

I wouldn’t exactly call that snobbery, I would call that ‘Not wanting to get your expensive clothes back smelling like a New England clam bake.’  Not to mention Kim has the body shape of a Clydesdale, so good luck finding those Gucci pants with a ‘generous helping of fabric’ around the ass so that Kim can spend thirty minutes getting into them and then demand that she only be photographed facing dead front.

Besides I’m pretty sure Kim has a line of clothing. It’s called the Kardashian Kollection. And it’s sold exclusively at Sears, where the three money-hungry ilk and their ogre manager have managed to create a clothing line that  looks cheaper and trashier than Miley Cyrus’ collection for Walmart while charging 5 times as much. Don’t forget to check out their kollection of soap dishes and shower curtains too!

Fun fact: A few weeks ago at the thrift store I found a Kardashian Kollection red, nylon jumpsuit with the original price tag still attached. Bitches wanted $80! It looked cheaper than the last minute Halloween costumes you get at Rite Aid!

Goodwill was asking $5.99 and there were still no takers.

Steve Martin Gives Birth at 67

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Rheumatism and cataracts be damned! 67-year-old Steve Martin has proved that not only can he get and erection, he can finish the job too. From the New York Post:

 The “It’s Complicated” star and his wife, Anne Stringfield, 41, welcomed a child in December and have been spotted nearby their LA home with the bundle of joy. “They’ve had a baby, and how they kept it a secret nobody knows,” a source said. “Steve’s very private.” The source added, “They are thrilled. They worked hard to have the baby.” The couple married in 2007.

I learned from watching Japanese elderly porn that the old and enfeebled make the most attentive lovers. That’s why in a post-apocalyptic world when all the men of fighting age have been killed off and the Earth will need to be repopulated using the very old and very young, I call dibs on Larry King.

 

Kate Upton is Brave & Frigid

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Kate Upton has graced the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue for the second year in a row, becoming America’s Greatest Hero since Neil Armstrong in the process. Like Admiral Byrd and Sir Edmund Hillary before her, Kate braved the barren, Antarctic wasteland and sub-zero temperatures to bring us tits. Enormous tits. Kate described her courageous, selfless journey to the frigid desert on the Today Show this morning:

“It was freezing. I’m from Florida, so it wasn’t great for me. When I came back I was losing hearing and eyesight because my body was shutting down, it was working so hard to keep warm. I was thinking warm thoughts…”

“The penguins kept me going, they’re adorable, and any time I was like, ‘I can’t take any more, I can’t,’ I would look at them and I was like, ‘OK, for them.’’’

Did you hear that? Put down that endangered penguin sandwich you sick fuck! That penguin gave Kate the strength she needed to persevere through her darkest hour, his darling useless wings and clumsy waddle gave her the courage to stand in a bikini and smile despite the wind chill being well below zero. As we honor Kate for her perilous expedition, I ask that we remember the little guy who made it all possible. God bless you penguin.

Taylor Swift is a Mature, Magnanimous Adult

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Last night Taylor Swift opened the Grammys with a show-stopping number that proved what a seasoned professional the 23-year-old has grown into. And by that I mean she lived out some circus fantasy while awkwardly prancing around in a lion-tamer suit. Where’s that Mexican,man-eating tiger when you need him?

During her performance of We Are Never Getting Back Together, Taylor summoned her best cockney accent and said “So he calls me up and he’s like ‘Ah still louve you’ … and I’m like ‘I’m sorry, I’m busy opening up the Grammys…and we are never getting back together!’” (side note: I hope Taylor dates an Asian guy soon so she can make fun of his accent and everyone will call her a racist.)

This attempt at a diss was obviously directed at Taylor’s ex, Harry Styles, the 18-year-old who dumped Taylor because he realized he could be buried up to his eyebrows in easy pussy instead of watching Antiques Roadshow and listening to Taylor harp on about the new flatware she has her eye on. But in Taylor’s powderpuff-princess world, Harry begs her to come back and she tells him she has better things to do such as perform at the Grammys. This sounds just like most of my revenge fantasies but without the sodomy.

To top off her evening of retribution, Taylor went home and played dress up with her cat. No I’m serious. After the Grammys she tweeted the picture below of her cat, Meredith, with the caption “Video shoot early tomorrow, so my Grammy after-party situation looks like…” which we all know is bullshit because who would schedule a video shoot the morning after the Grammys? It’s not like Taylor works the 6 am shift at Denny’s, I’m pretty sure she has some say in her schedule.

We all know the real reason Taylor went home and cried into a hand-crocheted pillow covered in cat hair was because nobody would dare invite her to a party, lest her next single be called   “Everybody at the Grammys after-party was drinking and having a good time and ignoring me while I sipped ginger ale quietly in the corner by myself.”Image

Awwww Fuck, The Grammys

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The 55th Annual Grammy Awards were last night, and as soon as I saw Lady Gaga didn’t show up with a midget’s head wearing a Pope hat sticking out of her vadge, I changed the channel to Gypsy Sisters. Because a bunch of in-bred,illiterate, direlict women is more interesting than the over-dressed celebrities at the Grammys, and much more likely to flash a vadge. The Sun, however, wrote a very informative, in-depth article examining whether or not Miley Cyrus flashed her nipple at a pre-Grammy party. And in somewhat related, but far less important news, Pope Benedict XVI has announced he will be stepping down at the end of this month.

Image: By Rvin88 (Own work) [CC-BY-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Courtney Stodden lives in an Alternate Reality

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God bless America! The only country in the world where a teenager with an eating disorder and a plastic surgery addiction/denial can be exploited by her parents and husband and be transformed into the alpaca-hair wearing, butt-hole-lipped star that is Courtney Stodden. With ‘star’ being used in the loosest possible sense of the word.

In the same vein of all fake-celebrities,Courtney has released the music video to her new single ‘Reality.’ I believe all reality stars are contractually obligated by E! and Satan to drop an album/music video at some point during their 15 minutes. And Courtney is not one to disappoint her Dark Overlord i.e. Doug.

Above is a preview of the video, which is really Courtney sitting on a table poorly lip-syncing to an auto-tuned track of what we’re supposed to believe is her voice, while practicing her chest thrusts. And here’s the link to the full video on E! I will warn you in advance that the cinematography is so visually stunning you  might weep tears of ecstasy. Oh and be sure to note that Courtney’s tits are so enormous now, she actually has cleavage underneath them too. The bar has been raised.