Kate Upton has graced the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue for the second year in a row, becoming America’s Greatest Hero since Neil Armstrong in the process. Like Admiral Byrd and Sir Edmund Hillary before her, Kate braved the barren, Antarctic wasteland and sub-zero temperatures to bring us tits. Enormous tits. Kate described her courageous, selfless journey to the frigid desert on the Today Show this morning:
“It was freezing. I’m from Florida, so it wasn’t great for me. When I came back I was losing hearing and eyesight because my body was shutting down, it was working so hard to keep warm. I was thinking warm thoughts…”
“The penguins kept me going, they’re adorable, and any time I was like, ‘I can’t take any more, I can’t,’ I would look at them and I was like, ‘OK, for them.’’’
Did you hear that? Put down that endangered penguin sandwich you sick fuck! That penguin gave Kate the strength she needed to persevere through her darkest hour, his darling useless wings and clumsy waddle gave her the courage to stand in a bikini and smile despite the wind chill being well below zero. As we honor Kate for her perilous expedition, I ask that we remember the little guy who made it all possible. God bless you penguin.