Nooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

As if anyone needed another reason to purchase a semi-automatic weapon and a high-capacity magazine at a gun show without a background check, Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs is reportedly dating Kate Upton.

(Note: That was in no way an endorsement of violence against P-Doodly.)

According to @Confidential via the NYDN, Combs and Upton were spotted making out in Miami in March and were later spotted dining together in New York City.

So, American hero and Golden Child, Kate Upton, is dating the rap world’s original smug douchebag. Move over Kanye, someone’s about to be relevant again.

In related news, Kris Jenner was asking around about getting a voodoo doll with big tits and blonde hair.

Kate Upton is Brave & Frigid

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Kate Upton has graced the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue for the second year in a row, becoming America’s Greatest Hero since Neil Armstrong in the process. Like Admiral Byrd and Sir Edmund Hillary before her, Kate braved the barren, Antarctic wasteland and sub-zero temperatures to bring us tits. Enormous tits. Kate described her courageous, selfless journey to the frigid desert on the Today Show this morning:

“It was freezing. I’m from Florida, so it wasn’t great for me. When I came back I was losing hearing and eyesight because my body was shutting down, it was working so hard to keep warm. I was thinking warm thoughts…”

“The penguins kept me going, they’re adorable, and any time I was like, ‘I can’t take any more, I can’t,’ I would look at them and I was like, ‘OK, for them.’’’

Did you hear that? Put down that endangered penguin sandwich you sick fuck! That penguin gave Kate the strength she needed to persevere through her darkest hour, his darling useless wings and clumsy waddle gave her the courage to stand in a bikini and smile despite the wind chill being well below zero. As we honor Kate for her perilous expedition, I ask that we remember the little guy who made it all possible. God bless you penguin.

Kate Upton’s Superbowl Commercial is a Scantily-Clad Controversy

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The overweight,unattractive women at the Parent’s Advisory Council are calling the New Mercedes Benz Superbowl commercial featuring Kate Upton an affront to women’s progress. From The Hollywood Reporter:

“This ad [reinforces] for millions of wives, daughters and sisters across the country that you use your sex appeal to get what you want,” a PTC spokesperson complained to Daily Mail. “If anything, this ad proves that we’ve regressed rather than progressed over the last several years.”

I don’t know if they actually watched the commercial; what’s wrong with a bunch of pubescent boys washing your car for you? It’s not like they were wearing bikinis or anything. Kate needed her car washed, and she found the most economically viable way to get it done: free, by boys who want to ogle her. That’s what I call progress. It’s kind of like how I sit on the couch writing posts while my husband cleans the house, except more cats and I probably have food on my chin.