Douche of the Week

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This award was initially going to go to Gwyneth Paltrow for giving this cunty interview to InStyle magazine . But then I found this guy, and remembered that Gwyneth Paltrow is always a douche, and she’ll most certainly be up for consideration in the future, whereas this guy is gonna crash and burn and be relegated to obscurity before 2013.

Who is ‘this guy’? He’s Nick Gruber, the 22-year-old  man-whore who’s about to release a tell-all book about his time spent as Calvin Klein’s boy-toy. Some highlights from Gruber’s interview with Page Six:

“I don’t know why, but there’s, like, something about me that attracts everyone. I have a nickname called Romeo. I get every girl, and even guys. Something about me draws them all in.”

It’s like, blowjobs.

“Paradoxically, even though Gruber had an ‘exclusive’ relationship with Klein for two-and-a-half years, he insists he is straight. There’s no doubt that sex is his currency.

While Gruber won’t elaborate on how he met Klein, stating, ‘I’m leaving it for the book,’ he says they were introduced by friends when he was 20 and in the army. At the time, the military still enforced its ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy, and he wanted out, so he says he claimed to be gay…

As proof, he says he handed over a bisexual porn video he filmed while in high school in Santa Rosa, Calif.”

Who didn’t make a bisexual porn in high school? It’s like, a rite of passage. Eventually Gruber’s relationship with Klein turned sour; Klein took back the quarter-million dollar Bentley he gave Gruber, Gruber went to rehab, and then moved to L.A. where dreams really do come true, read on!

“He was at a court-mandated A.A. meeting there in June when he met another older, richer man with a famous last name: 48-year-old John Luciano, the grand- nephew of notorious mobster Lucky Luciano…That said, Gruber’s got a new BMW motorcycle, paid for by his generous new boyfriend. And this time, unlike the Bentley, the title’s in his name.”

So he went from a $250,000 Bentley to a BMW Motorcycle? Those things cost less than my Corolla. At this rate he’ll be doing donkey shows in Tijuana for an ‘87 Buick Regal before January.

Image:PD

Royal Baby Claims its First Victim

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Above: The media shit-storm surrounding the royal fetus has caused it to to grow power disproportionate to its size.

In what can only be a precedent of the blood-shed that is to come, Prince William and Kate Middleton’s unborn fetus has already claimed the life of its first victim.

The Daily Mail is reporting that the receptionist at King Edward VII hospital who put the now infamous prank phone-call through to Middleton’s room has been found dead, in what police are calling an apparent suicide.

So not only has this evil spawn put its own mother in the hospital, it’s now taking outside victims too. Don’t you people get it? It feeds on the power of the media, you’re only making it stronger! I don’t want to sound like a Doomsday profit, but by the time this baby is born it will have grown powerful enough to take over the world; creating a new order of power with England dominating as our Imperialistic overlords.

*All joking aside, this truly is a tragedy, and an indictment on us all that a hard-working, innocent mother lost her life because of our overwhelming obsession with royalty and wealth.

By Stephen Michalowicz [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

The Daily Discharge

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Above: Included in the price of Lindsay’s cheap taffeta gown is a blow-job from Lindsay herself!

If you’ve ever wanted to own clothes that smell like stale cigarette smoke, mingled with a tangy blend of dried vomit and semen, now might be your chance! Radaronline

The only thing better than JWoww jumping off a very high platform is if she wears a bathing suit while doing it. Hollywoodreporter

Have you ever wanted to make a porno with your mom? Me either!  Huffingtonpost

Taylor Swift showcases why she’s about to get dumped again. Dlisted

Image:Fame/Flynet

Naked Victoria’s Secret Angels (not really, I just said that to get your attention.)

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Above: Heidi Klum and Adriana Lima

This one’s for the ladies

Mandatory.com has posted a list of some of the most famous Victoria’s Secret angels sans make-up, and there’s a lot of good and a lot of bad. Alessandria Ambrosio looks great either way, and Candice Swanepoel actually looks better without the make-up. Bar Rafaeli  looks good but she’s the most non-descript woman ever, I’m not sure Leonardo DiCaprio knew he was dating the same woman that whole time, he probably thought she was just one of the many random, tall, blonde women who show up to have sex with him, I’m sure that happens a lot. Finally, I’m sorry, but Miranda Kerr is just kind of fug no matter what you do with her.

Now on to the bad.  Heidi Klum looks like she works at Wal-Mart while Karolina Kurkova looks like she couldn’t even get a job at Wal-Mart. Adriana Lima looks like my Sicilian grandmother and Tyra Banks looks like the mug shot of a woman who just killed and ate her baby.

Image:By The Heart Truth (The Heart Truth Fashion Show 2008) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

The Daily Discharge

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Giuliana Rancic has a baby Scat fetish; somebody call CPS. dlisted

Kristin Cavallari confirms what everyone already knew and quit caring about two years ago. toofab

John Travolta tells Ellen he’s obsessed with hot chocolate. That sounds about right. eonline

USA! This must be why we kicked their asses in the Revolutionary War. huffingtonpost

Channing Tatum Quitting Acting

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Pretty sure he quit doing that a long time ago…

Channing Tatum is even more stupid than he looks (See my previous post on him being named, ‘Sexiest Man’) So my first thought when he told Entertainment Weekly that he’s going to take a break from acting was ‘Thank God,’ but then he added this:

We (Tatum and his production partner, Reid Carolin) have about three to four ideas that we love that are all in the hopper. By the end of next year, we’re going to shut things down and write the first thing that we’re going to direct,” Tatum said. “We’re going to be like, alright, no more acting parts for a minute, let’s take a few and really get caring about that section of our career.”

‘That section’ of your career?  Your ‘career’ mostly consists of taking your shirt off and hopefully hiding as much of your face as you can while you do it.  My question is, there’s already a ‘Lego’ movie in the works, Transformers has already been done, and Battleship too, what inane and loosely-based- on- a -toy -from- the- 80’s  movie is  numb-skull Channing going to come up with?

Simon? Speak and Spell? That sounds right up his alley.  I’ll stop now before anyone at Warner Brothers sees this and steals my idea.

Image:By Tony Shek (Channing Tatum) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

The Daily Discharge

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BAR

Bar Rafaeli knows how to get Twitter followers. (Above)

Chirs Pine hung out with a guy named Benedict Cumberpatch, which is the coolest name for a porn actor since Dale DaBone. Just Jared

What does Courtney Stodden have to do with the King of Thailand’s 85th birthday? I’m still not sure. radaronline

The Olson twins are back to their old drug dealing ways. wwtdd

Brace yourselves for nine months of endless speculation, followed by eighteen years of obsession, likely followed by a descent into drug addiction, madness and an untimely death. thehollywoodgossip