Oscar Jr: The Golden Globes

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Another day another awards show. Last night it was the Golden Globes, where achievement in both television and film is recognized, so pretty much every celebrity you could think of was there. Even Nicole Richie, whose neck looked ten years older than her face.

Wanna know who wasn’t there? Lindsay Lohan. Yes, the cinematic masterpiece that was Liz & Dick wasn’t nominated for a Golden Globe, so she live tweeted the show holed up in a hotel room with an eight ball and a bottle of Poplov.

I hate awards shows so let’s just get through the highlights:

Jodie Foster kind of, sort of came out of the closet while accepting the Cecil B. DeMille lifetime achievement award. For some reason everybody thought it was very surprising that a Hollywood actress who dresses butch and shacked up with another woman for years while having kids together is a lesbian. You mean all that sexual tension with Mel Gibson in Maverick was fake?

Stacy Keibler arrived with George Clooney looking like she didn’t even bother to wash her hair. She must be depressed, I’d be too if I had the Damacle’s Sword of being known to posterity as ‘that one girl dumped by George Clooney’ hanging over my head.

I’m going to give worst dressed to Sienna Miller, for looking and dressing like this . And best dressed will go to crazy mess, NeNe Leakes cuz girl looks like she could use a break.

Anne Hathaway is on the right road to Oscar success picking up a Best Supporting Actress last night. “Thank you for this lovely blunt object that I will forevermore use as a weapon against self-doubt,” Hathaway said, holding her trophy. Does this bitch ever stop feeling sorry for herself?

Jennifer Lawrence looked great and won Best Actress for Silver Linings Playbook.

What else, Ben Affleck won Best Director for Argo, but he wasn’t even nominated for the Oscars, I’m not sure what that means. It’s almost as if the Golden Globes are a superfluous awards show handing out conciliatory prizes to those who couldn’t make the cut. Speaking of Ben Affleck, why does Jennifer Garner look like this now?

And best performance of the evening goes to Sacha Baron Cohen for using his minute on stage to make fun of the Hollywood elite who take themselves way too seriously, ie. Daniel Day Lewis

You can view a complete list of winners here.

Image:By Premio Acerbi (foto) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Weekend Discharge

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If you thought Sofia Vergara’s boobs couldn’t possibly look any better, here they are 15 years younger. (above)

Ann Hathaway got someone fired. TooFab

What the hell is wrong with Miley Cyrus’ little sister? TheSuperficial

Kate Middleton’s official portrait looks great, if she were  a menopausal 50-year-old. Dlisted

If you ever held any delusions about marrying Olivia Wilde you might want to go kill yourself now. Radar

Image: Twitter_@sofiavergara

Britney Spears is at a Crossroads.

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Britney Spears has had her busiest week in years, quitting her job, breaking up with her fiance and possibly moving to Las Vegas. It sounds like the plot of an empowering woman-having-a-midlife-crisis book-turned-movie that would star Julia Roberts. But this is Britney Jean Spears we’re talking about so imagine that but with more chili cheese fries, tetanus and menthol cigarettes.

Where to begin. First it was reported that Britney Spears quit her job at the X-Factor because she was about to be fired.  Then she split up with her fiancé, Jason Trawick,who’s been babysitting her for the last couple of years while conveniently having sex with her too. It’s reported the two split because Britney wants to do more baby making (she’s from Alabama, it’s inherent,) and he’s already had it up to here with the two hellions that Britney already has. Now, TMZ is reporting that Britney is in talks to move to LasVegas to headline a show and could potentially earn over $100 million a year for the gig.

In totally unrelated news that should be related, in the newbook  by pulitzer-prize winning author Lawrence Wright, Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood, and the Prison of Belief, Wright details how the Church of Scientology auditioned several actresses back in 2004 under the guise of a role in Mission Impossible, but they were really looking for a third wife for Tom Cruise. The book claims Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba and Lindsay Lohan were all considered for the role of ‘beard’ before church officials settled on Katie Holmes.

How are they missing this? Britney might as well have a gigantic target on her forehead.  The girl hasn’t made any decisions for herself since  2008, she’s the exact kind of celebrated, malleable dim-wit a cult would kill to get their hands on. And it wouldn’t even be hard, they would just have to pull up in an ice cream truck, throw a burlap sack over her head and tell her they’re taking her to Taco Bell.  It’ll be three years before she realizes she never got that Nacho Bell Grande and extra large Mountain Dew.

Image:By Sam Lavi (Britney Spears – Circus Tour) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Courtney Stodden’s Busting Out

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One of the people pictured above was born a woman. Can you guess which one?

Since all the real celebrities were at the People’s Choice Awards and the Critic’s Choice Awards this week, Human-Trafficking victim Courtney Stodden and her john, Doug Hutchinson decided to lend their star power to the Markus + Indrani Icon Book Launch party to benefit The Trevor Project. I know, glamorous, right?

Courtney put on her best drag face, dusted off her favorite wig from out of the corner where her dog was sleeping on it, poured herself into the cheapest polyester tube dress she could find, then crammed her feet into  her most comfortable plastic shoes, (check out that pinky toe) because Courtney pulls all the stops when her parental guradian lets her out of the house! Normally her vadge would be hanging out the bottom of this thing, but if you look closely, you’ll see Courtney actually remembered to wear her  support underwear. Surprise!

The shindig was hosted by Carmen Electra, which is a good indicator of where her career is at these days.  Links to more pics here.

Image:Fame/Flynet

Lady Gaga Has No Sense of Humor*

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* There’s a lot of other words that could have been thrown in there: talent, vagina, humility, dignity, personal attractiveness, etc.

If you like to keep up with trite celebrity feuds that consists of a lot of open letters and posturing with none of the stuff we actually want to see  (bikini-clad fights to the death in a pool of Jello) then you might have heard that Lady Gaga has a problem with Kelly Osbourne and her hard-hitting, insightful, Peabody nominated work  on Fashion Police.  In an open letter posted to her website,  Gaga opens with this self-righteous tirade:

Everyday, through my music and public voice I choose to be positive and work towards a kinder and braver world with our community of followers. I encourage them to ignore criticism, stand up to bullies, know their own value and see that we are all the same and no one person is worth more than another. I know I’m perceived as a wild child, but in reality I am woman that deeply cares for humanity. I have empathy for you Kelly, but I feel it culturally important to note that you have chosen a less compassionate path.

“Chosen a less compassionate path?” Move over Jesus, and get a stylist,  because the lost and downtrodden have a  new savior, and this bitch wears designer labels; your sandals and seamless robe ain’t gonna cut it anymore.

Aside from that, does anything having to do with Kelly Osbourne “culturally important”?  If I took a dump that looked like Kate Middleton it would have more cultural importance than Kelly Osbourne, it might even get its own reality show.

Gaga goes on to say Kelly and Fashion Police Breeds negativity and hate, and that it’s not funny. No arguments on that last one. Of course,  Crazy ass Sharon Osbourne wasn’t going to let anyone criticize her pudgy, ugly daughter and fired back in another open letter on Facebook calling Gaga a hypocrite:

“By your actions to Kelly right now, you have shown me that you are nothing more than a publicly seeking hypocrite,” Sharon wrote.

“You know it would have been much more dignified of you to do this privately. I am calling you a bully because you have 32 million followers hanging on your every word and you are criticizing Kelly in your open letter,” she said.

I don’t want to defend the Osbournes, they’re a couple of cackling, cockneye hags and Kelly looks like she has a serious case of  macrognathia, but does Lady Gaga  really think Fashion Police and Kelly are so mean spirited and negative that it deserves to be called out? They’re talking about clothes for fuck’s sake, and the insults are  pretty tame. Has Lady Gaga even been on the internet lately? Because everyone on here has been calling her a dude for the last two years.

Image:By JJ Duncan (Flickr: Sharon Osbourne and Kelly Osbourne) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Spoiler Alert: Taylor Swift Is A Frigid Bitch

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Above: Taylor Swift posted this tweet after her break-up with One Direction’s Harry Styles to show what a spiteful, childish troll she is.

RadarOnline is reporting that the real reason Harry Styles dumped Taylor Swift is because he got tired of her asexual ways. Even though Taylor has a tendency to walk around with her mouth hanging open, she’s not putting that thing to good use.  Instead she’s using it to talk. You’re never gonna get a man like that Tay Tay!

According to a close pal of Taylor’s, she’s as stiff and prudeish in bed as she is looks in every other situation. via Radar:

“Taylor is so concerned that the public will think she’s a whore because she dates around, that she doesn’t put out. What she doesn’t get is that the guys keep dumping her because she’s being a prude. Harry found Taylor a little sexually uninterested. While it was clear she obviously had a thing for Harry, Taylor didn’t want to put out as often as he would’ve liked. Harry is a young boy, with ladies throwing themselves at him and has had a string of relationships with older women.

It’s no secret he’s sexually active and is enjoying his fame at the moment. But Taylor just wasn’t up for it as much as he is. They were sexually incompatible. Having a clean and wholesome reputation is super important to Taylor. She puts herself in these stupid situations but then honestly can’t understand why she’s getting such a shabby reputation. Harry wants to go out to fancy bars and clubs and enjoy being young – but Taylor’s more of a homebody and all she would talk about was antiques! It drove him crazy, so he gave her the elbow!”

Let me set you straight Taylor, everyone already thinks you’re a whore because when you’re dating someone everyone assumes your having sex anyway, so you might as well put out. People, especially men, will like you more if you put out, especially on the first date.  Guys love that. It shows you’re spontaneous and fun. That’s how I got my husband.  After you’re married you can sit around in your sweatpants watching Antiques Roadshow and pretend you have headache, but you’ve got a lot of work to do until then.

Britney Spears: You Can’t Fire Me I Quit

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It seems like everyone  knew that Britney Spears was about to be fired from the X Factor except for Britney Spears.  If you hit her over the forehead with a two by four that had ‘you’re fired’ written on it, she still wouldn’t get it.  But the court-ordered person who makes all Britney’s decisions for her saw the writing on the wall and made a preemptive strike. That’s right, Britney QUIT! “You didn’t dump me I dumped you, ya’ll.”

Clapping politely and nodding while trying to communicate using guttural noises proved to be just too hard for the popstar, and Britney was relieved to be absolved of her duties.  Now she can go back to doing what she does best: singing songs other people wrote and using autotune to erase every hint of her actual voice, ignoring her children and eating Cheetohs.

Image:By Sam Lavi [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons