Author Archives: thevadge

The AMA’s Celebrating Underachievement Since 1973

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Inside the 9th Circle

 The American Music Awards were Sunday night, and I thought I would take a hit for my readers and watch so I could report back.  Then I realized this shit was on ABC and fucking awful, so I didn’t really pay attention. ABC is the Family Channel, and if there’s one thing The Vadge hates it’s families.
Anyway here’s the breakdown that I gathered from flipping back during commercials of Sister Wives:  Justin Bieber looked like a little bitch that couldn’t get a date so he brought his mom. Take that Selena!
Christina Aguilera was huge! As in holy shit, she’s gained a lot of weight. She looked like Cindi Lauper’s bloated corpse.
Nicki Minaj was surprisingly less incoherent than I expected her to be.
Pink pretended to get the crap beat out of her, and Ke$ha sang her ‘hit’ Die Young. If only, you two, if only.
Other than that it looked like there was a lot of polite clapping and some awards were presented, it was hard to tell because I had it on mute most of the time.

Image:PR Photos

Kim Kardashian to Broker Israeli-Palestinian Peace Deal

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Gives up after realizing they’re countries,
not a couple.

 Kim Kardashian took to her Twitter account today to do her part to bring peace to the troubled Middle East. She quickly realized that she lacked the conviction and critical thinking skills to make a definitive statement about shoes, let alone complicated world affairs and promptly took them down.

Kim’s first tweet read, “Praying for everyone in Israel.”

Realizing such a decisive statement might affect her fan base she added “Praying for everyone in Palestine and across the world!”

Later Kim apologized for both tweets. “My lawyer’s Israeli, and Palestinian kind of sounds like Armenian,” Kim explained. “Just to be safe, I decided it was easier to not have an opinion.”

Image:By Luke Ford [CC-BY-SA-2.5 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons 

Miley Cyrus Gets a Restraining Order

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All media outlets barred from ever playing ‘Party in the USA’ again.

 Miley Cyrus was granted a restraining order against the man who tried to break into her home holding a pair of scissors back in September. The intruder, Jason Luis Rivera is scheduled to be released in June due to overcrowding.

 In that guy’s defense, he probably couldn’t have done anything worse to her with those scissors than whoever cut her hair has already done.

Image: Twitter

Taylor Swift is Desperate, Still Dates High-School Students

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Taylor Swift has pretty much dated every pair of numb-nuts in Hollywood, from Joe Jones to Zac Efron.  And they all seem to dump her in a few months, likely because she’s even more clingy and annoying in real life than in her interviews.

So as of late she’s moved to less-famous men and has been dating Conor Kennedy, whose still in high school.  Then they broke up, but now the Huffington Postsays they’re still secretly seeing each other, and the Kennedy family is terrified the couple might elope. Probably because they don’t want to eat her stale pumpkin cookies at their family reunions for the next 20 years.

I can’t help but think there’s a reason a wildly-successful, 22-year-old would be interested in a high school senior… Wait a minute…her latest album is ‘Red,’ she’s dating a Kennedy…OH MY GOD! Taylor Swift IS GOING TO RUN FOR The REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATION IN 2016! Nooooooooooo!!!!! We cannot let this happen.*

*The Vadge does not endorse or advocate any form of violence against a celebrity, but if you wanna do it without my endorsement, that’s fine.

Image: By Keith HInkle (Taylor Swift, being interviewed) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

 

Ben Affleck Feels Sorry For Himself

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 C’mon you guys, knock it off…

 Ben Affleck got so tired of everyone hating on him after the ‘Bennifer’years that he decided to make a bunch of really shitty movies and fade silently into obscurity.  At least until Argo was released and did well enough in the box office that now he can come back out from under his rock and bitch about how mean everyone was to him.

He tells GQ:

“… like one of those fights you see on YouTube where one of them falls down and then a bunch of people who were standing around come over and kick the person. They don’t know them, they have no involvement in the fight, but they recognize a moment that they can get a free shot in, and for some people it’s just too much to resist. And that was definitely me at that point. I was the guy.”

Ah, yes.  I can totally see how being a talentless movie-star making millions of dollars and being married to a beautiful actress can make you relate to some nobody, face-down in the concrete getting the shit kicked out of him by a bunch of thugs. I guess that’s how being a method actor works.

Image:PD

Channing Tatum is Sexy, Sucks

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People Magazine making inroads on simian equality

 The people at People Magazine have shone once again how out of touch they are with actual people by naming half-man/half-ape Channing Tatum as this year’s Sexiest Man.

This guy has the blank look of a UFC fighter whose been kicked in the head too many times. Plus, his first name is a last name and his last name is a first name which really pisses me off for some reason. I’d bang Heath Ledger’s corpse over this bone-head.

Also on People’s list: Patrick Duffy (seriously,) Charlie Day(talks like a girl,) and Adam Levine(the pose says it all.) Which means, miraculously, Lance Bass wasn’t the gayest person on the list. I’m tired of Hollywood trying to push a bunch of candy-assed metros and tell me they’re hot. This list is proof that in Hollywood, if you give enough blow-jobs you’ll make it to the top.
Image:By Tony Shek (Channing Tatum) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

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Beloved Grandmother and Aerosmith Frontman, Steven Tyler

Living on the Edge, of a stroke

 Aerosmith’s latest album “Music From Another Dimension” has opened to paltry numbers on the Billboard top 200.  Which makes sense because from the looks of it, Steven Tyler passed away sometime in 2011.

The album placed #5, being beaten out by other rocker/grandma Rod Stewart’s “Merry Christmas Baby,” and had a dismal 63K in sales. Too bad that ‘other dimension’ wasn’t 1993.

Image:By Aerosmith at it.wikipedia [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/)%5D, from Wikimedia Commons