Jennifer Lopez is Really Hard Up

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Jennifer Lopez has an estimated net worth of $250 million but apparently she still needed another diamond encrusted tortilla warmer because she was willing to perform for the president of Turkmenistan for the paltry sum of $1.5 million, a country described by  Human Rights Watch as “one of the world’s most repressive.” And since the internet tends to get pissed off when privileged  celebrities pander to tyrannical leaders to make a quick buck, J-ello is now doing damage control. First by claiming she didn’t know anything about the country she flew to and performed in, which would have made sense 100 years ago before things like encyclopedias, or fuck Google, was available. And now she’s saying she didn’t travel to Turkmenistan to perform for its president, she was there to perform for the China National Petroleum Corp and was tricked into singing Happy Birthday. Because, yeah, that sounds much better, I’m sure they’re doing a lot of good in the world. From TMZ:

Mega-manager Benny Medina tells TMZ … Jennifer was NOT in Turkmenistan to perform for the Prez — she was hired by the China National Petroleum Corp. for a corporate concert.  Lopez sang 3 songs, and Medina says as she finished her set someone walked up to him and said President Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow was in the audience and asked him if Lopez would come back on stage and wish him happy birthday.
Medina says it was HIS decision to bring Lopez back on stage at the end of the concert.  Medina tells us … the Prez got on stage and the M.C. started goading Lopez to sing “Happy Birthday” — singing it quietly in her ear, goading her on the spot to sing the Bday song.

Considering Jennifer Lopez is an arrogant mule who if she could would have a person with a lazy eye executed for looking at her the wrong way, I have a hard time believing anyone could make her do anything she didn’t want to do, especially a Turkmen MC at what’s essentially a high-end company picnic. Still, J-ello wants everyone to know that she didn’t know any better and is really sorry, but not so sorry that she won’t give the money back or donate it to charity or anything. She’s not stupid you guys.

Image:By Martakis_jennifer_lopez.jpg: Universal Music Greece

“Are Those Children Available to Eat?”


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As much as Jennifer Lopez likes to pretend that she’s a real down-to-earth, icon of altruism,  occasionally a report gets out that show she’s really a demanding harpy whose ass consumes more calories daily than your typical African child. Like this report from the New York Post saying J-ello was in talks to perform in the opening ceremonies of India’s premier cricket league, an event that typically draws in 60 million viewers, but the deal fell apart over her outrageous demands.

Via Page Six:

Sources tell us the pampered pop princess’ manager,Benny Medina, had asked that a private plane be made available for her, along with numerous hotel rooms to house her huge entourage, which included an army of stylists, assistants and a personal chef.

Officials at the Pepsi IPL balked at their demands and instead booked rapper Pitbull for the opening ceremony, next Tuesday, which will also feature some of Bollywood’s biggest stars.

Great move demanding a private jet from a country whose per capita income is $3,500 with over 40% of its population living below the international poverty line of $1.25 a day. Personally I can’t even see J-ello stepping foot in a country like India,  all those dirty, barefoot children running around must be a real joykill. Plus, her ass is about two feet wider than the typical Indian car.

Tom Sorensen [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (, via Wikimedia Commons

Jennifer Lopez’ Doesn’t Really Look Like This

Image Jennifer Lopez is on the cover of next week’s issue of People proclaiming loudly that she has no regrets about being a supercilious cunt who thinks she’s too good to talk to the ‘help.’

What she does have regrets about is this magazine cover, because according to Page Six J-ello and her people think the cover photo makes her look “old and haggard” and reached out to People about it, but the photo stayed.

I’m going to cut J-ello a break, she might look like the cover model on a box of Depends but she doesn’t exactly looks haggard. At least she was able to force a real smile out of  her permanently grimaced mouth. Maybe it’s because she just crapped her pants and nobody knows it but her.

Ben Affleck Feels Sorry For Himself


 C’mon you guys, knock it off…

 Ben Affleck got so tired of everyone hating on him after the ‘Bennifer’years that he decided to make a bunch of really shitty movies and fade silently into obscurity.  At least until Argo was released and did well enough in the box office that now he can come back out from under his rock and bitch about how mean everyone was to him.

He tells GQ:

“… like one of those fights you see on YouTube where one of them falls down and then a bunch of people who were standing around come over and kick the person. They don’t know them, they have no involvement in the fight, but they recognize a moment that they can get a free shot in, and for some people it’s just too much to resist. And that was definitely me at that point. I was the guy.”

Ah, yes.  I can totally see how being a talentless movie-star making millions of dollars and being married to a beautiful actress can make you relate to some nobody, face-down in the concrete getting the shit kicked out of him by a bunch of thugs. I guess that’s how being a method actor works.


Jennifer Lopez Wants Your Job, Not Really


Vete a la Chingada!

 In all her interviews Jennifer Lopez makes it a point to talk about how nice she is to everyone, and what a warm, matronly person she is. That’s why she makes everyone she works around and has sex with sign a confidentiality agreement; so they don’t expose her for the self-absorbed she-bitch that she truly is.

Case in point, Radar Online is reporting that J-ello recently had a maid at a German hotel fired for daring to ask the superstar for her autograph.

Be kind to your fans Jenny, if it weren’t for them and a few fortuitous blowjobs to some execs at FOX the only thing people would be asking you for is some hot sauce to go with their burrito.

Image: By Ana Carolina Kley Vita from São Paulo, Brasil  Uploaded by MyCanon (Jennifer Lopez) [CC-BY-2.0 (, via Wikimedia Commons