This is why you come to The Vadge, because I bring you the hard-hitting news that matters. NSFW picture here. And while you’re there, check out the bulge on the guy she’s with.
Image:By Hispanic Lifestyle Uploaded by MyCanon (Eva Longoria) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons
If there’s one thing stupid people are really good at it’s accidentally having babies; teen Mom Jenelle Evans is pregnant. Also, she should really clean her bathroom. D Listed
And Jessica Simpson is so stupid, she doesn’t even know how she accidentally got pregnant again. The Superficial
One Direction is even gayer than we all thought, but in a cheeky, ironic way. Lainey Gossip
Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey are still fighting, or they’re not. Call me when it comes to blows. Too Fab
Selena Gomez > Justin Bieber IDLYITW
Paris Hilton will still do anything for a buck, just not in the U.S. Radar
Nicole Kidman is still terrified of Scientology. ICYDK
My brother’s wife’s friend at the liquor store in St. Louis (shout out:Alex!) said he read on the internet that Jeremy Renner was overheard telling Eva Longoria at a Golden Globes after party that his ‘ex-girlfriend’ is pregnant
This story has no merit whatsoever, but it’s not going to stop me from running with it anyways!
From US Weekly via Page 6:
Eavesdroppers heard the “Avengers” actor telling Longoria, “I’m going to fly in when her water breaks.”
The stunned “Desperate Housewives” actress was then heard saying, “I’m so blown away.”
Multiple sources confirmed to the magazine that Renner’s ex-girlfriend is due to give birth in February.
It’s unclear who the soon-to-be-mother is. Fuck, for all I know, Renner bred his dog and there’s about to be a litter of puppies. But The Vadge is nothing if not mindless hearsay and speculation. Maybe Renner has a pregnant woman chained to the water heater in his basement and he’s going to appear on the cover of People one day with a baby á la Rosie O’Donnell. That’s the standard procedure for a gay celebrity to have a baby.
Not that I’m saying Renner is gay, okay maybe I am. Yet I’m not attracted to him whatsoever. Which is odd, I usually always go for the gay ones.
Image:By Elen Nivrae from Paris, France Uploaded by MyCanon (Jeremy Renner) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons
NBC hasn’t had a hit in prime time since the 90’s, and it’s because their executives think shit like this is a good idea. According to the Hollywood Reporter, Jessica Simpson will play herself in a semi-autobiographical sitcom on the network. This will be Simpson’s second attempt at scripted comedy. In 2004, ABC ordered a pilot titled Jessica, which starred Simpson as a pop star-turned-TV news anchor, but it was not picked up to series. And who can forget the deep-fried train wreck that was MTV’S Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica?
If this is going to be based on Jessica’s life, I expect to see enormous fluctuations in weight, a daily home delivery from Frito-Lay, (product placement!) a talentless but still desperate to be famous sister played by Verne Troyer; and Jessica’s recently outed homosexual father can be played by Jane Lynch. I love her! The running gag on the show will be that Jessica is ALWAYS pregnant.
Image: Twitter_@jessicasimpson
It’s looking like the last two trimesters of Kim Kardashian’s pregnancy are not going to be easy. First, she can’t get Botox anymore, so I’m guessing her face is probably going to fall off, and second she’s faced with the herculean task of finding pieces of cloth big enough to cover her all-encompassing ass as the child from The Omen continues to grow inside her putrid womb.
Even though she still has another six months to go, Kim’s pretty much given up trying to be fashionable and has decided to go for comfort instead. She was photographed Saturday (above) wearing Kanye’s clothes and looking a disheveled wreck, then she was spotted wearing this dumpy mess, and then this monstrosity on Live With Kelly and Michael.
No one wants to see the side boob of a pregnant woman, Kim. And you’re never going to score those maternity endorsements looking like you pulled a Scarlett O’Hara and turned your curtains into a dress. Get it together, one pair of Khloe’s underwear should yield enough cloth for a nice frumpy-looking skirt, just be sure to cut out the crotch.
Image:Fame/Flynet
After having a son back in September, Megan Fox went on record saying she wasn’t going to be showing cleavage or dressing slutty anymore because she was a mom now and didn’t want to embarrass her son. Then she remembered that she’s Megan Fox and she has about as much acting dimension as a piece of cardboard, so here she is on the latest cover of Esquire showing of what made her famous in the first place.
Unfortunately, inside the magazine she’s doing the one thing she shouldn’t be, talking. And the shit she’s saying is going to embarrass little Noah more than any picture of his mom bent over in a bikini ever could. Noah’s mom may be hot, but she’s a paranoid, delusional doomsday prepper who “believes that people are (so) inherently bad. When she read about the nanny who allegedly murdered two young children in New York, she fired her own.” and it pretty much goes downhill from there.
To be fair, the sycophantic numb-nuts they got to interview her seemed more content to sit there with his mouth agape while she rambled on about leprechauns and aliens than to ask any questions. Megan should probably have someone with her at all times to stop her from going into Jim Jones crazy-mode while anyone with a recording device is around. Here’s some of the best excerpts:
“I’ve read the Book of Revelation a million times,” Megan Fox says. “It does not make sense, obviously. It needs to be decoded. What is the dragon? What is the prostitute? What are these things? What is this imagery? What was John seeing? And I was just thinking, What is the Antichrist?“
“When war breaks out in the Holy Land, like it is right now, if that is a sign of the immediate end times, then where are the other signs? Is it possible that it’s the Internet or fame itself or celebrity?”
Maybe, just maybe Megan, YOU’RE the Antichrist! That or you’re the savior here to deliver us from modest clothing and well-honed acting ability.
On Speaking in tongues:
“It feels like a lot of energy coming through the top of your head — I’m going to sound like such a lunatic — and then your whole body is filled with this electric current. And you just start speaking, but you’re not thinking because you have no idea what you’re saying. Words are coming out of your mouth, and you can’t control it. The idea is that it’s a language that only God understands. It’s the language that’s spoken in heaven.
If only Megan could have brought that kind of passion to Transformers and Transformers:Revenge of the Fallen. And finally:
She would much rather be an archeologist exploring the ancient ruins of Israel and Egypt. “I feel like there’s stuff literally buried there and buried where the Maya were,” she says. Ancient aliens who gave rise to ancient civilizations on earth. “I would like to uncover the secrets of the universe. In my fantasy.”
And there you have it, Megan Fox could have been one of the great minds of the 21st century, but instead she fell into a life of dancing around in a bikini while staring blankly and making millions of dollars. A beautiful mind wasted, so sad.
Lindsay Lohan has avoided jail more times than Paris Hilton has had a back-alley abortion. A lot . The reason she’s done so well in the courtroom is because of her lawyer, Shawn Holley, a bad-ass L.A. attorney who doesn’t care who she has to blow to get a good plea deal for her clients (not true.) But in a move that would only make sense to a person who hasn’t slept in 48 hours and is high on speedballs, Lindsay fired the well-respected Holley and replaced her with New York ambulance chaser Mark Heller, who was suspended from practicing law for five years back in 1994.
Even though Lindsay signed the order firing Holley, she’s calling the whole thing a misunderstanding and that she never authorized Heller to fire Holley. Oh, of course, a misunderstanding! Lindsay seems to be misunderstood a lot. Like that time the police thought she stole that necklace but really she just wanted to borrow it forever without paying for it. Or when the police said Lindsay lied about driving a Porshe into the back of a semi, they didn’t understand why Lindsay said she wasn’t driving, but everybody else on scene said she was. Nobody understands!
And now the letter signed by Lindsay terminating Shawn Holley was really a misunderstanding. Lindsay thought she was signing a birthday card! Unfortunately for Lindsay, Holley was on her way to negotiate a plea deal for her when she got her walking papers, and she’s due in court this morning for Lindsay’s charges on lying to the police. Will Lindsay avoid jail time yet again? All sources point to ‘yes’.
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