Monthly Archives: January 2013

Daily Discharge

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Dear people who are “outraged” over the Beyonce lip-synching scandal, don’t ever attend a Britney Spears’ concert. D Listed

Just to be clear, I would have sex with any member of the Royal Family, even Fergie, but I would prefer Harry. Lainey Gossip

Great news for formerly overweight, purple-haired women with large jaws! Just Jared

Lindsay Lohan likes to think that if you did drugs and had occasional sex with a person who died tragically, you’ll be remembered fondly by their surviving family. ICYDK

Teen Mom 2’s Jenelle Evans continues to present a compelling argument for the eugenics movement. The Superficial

 

Never Go Shopping With Kate Beckinsale

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ImageKate Beckinsale went shopping with her assistant on Melrose Avenue in West Hollywood yesterday. I normally don’t like to make fun of non-famous people, so let’s just say the job requirements to be Kate Beckinsale’s assistant are you must walk three feet behind her at all times, and do everything in your power to make Kate look slim and attractive in contrast to yourself. Oh, and no eye contact. I don’t know who you are lady, but you’re being used! Used!

In summation, if Kate Beckinsale ever asks you to go shopping with her, kick that bitch in the vadge and run like hell.

Image:Fame/Flynet

Brandi Glanville and LeAnn Rimes Continue to Work Out Their Problems Like Adults

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Brandi Glanville and LeAnn Rimes have been passive-aggresively feuding with each other via Twitter for months, and they continued their tradition into the New Year when this exchange took place between the two during Brandi’s interview on Watch What Happens Live where she said LeAnn was insane. And you know LeAnn just couldn’t resist watching because Brandi’s pretty right on with that assertion.

“Wow the texts from my friend,” LeAnn tweeted while the show was airing on the West Coast. “KISSES and KMA,” as in, “Kiss My A**.”

LeAnn likes to pretend she has friends,and that these ‘friends’ tell her everything Brandi says and does to get under her skin. Because that’s what friends do.

Never one to take the higher road, Brandi called out LeAnn’s supposed Twitter addiction, tweeting:  “I love you.. No! U! Yes I really do!!!! Im in love with my twitter and i will NEVER leave u for ‘tweehab’ gdnt biddy!”

Ironic, No? Watching two grown women act like tweens hurling under-handed insults indirectly though a social media sight really begs the question: Why the fuck do these two follow each other on Twitter?

Image:By Yahoo! Blog  Uploaded by MyCanon (LeAnn Rimes) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

The President Can Party Harder Than Anybody

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After two days of inaugural balls and formalities the President and First Lady would be ready for some rest and relaxation. But Barack Obama is the first black president and this mother-fucker has swagger, so instead him and Michelle partied their faces off until 3 a.m. with a bunch of celebrities, and Bill Clinton was there too! From Page Six:

Barack and Michelle danced past 3 a.m. at the spectacular private bash in the East Room for their closest friends and supporters.

One guest told us, “The president and Usher had a dance-off to ‘Gangnam Style’ along with Janelle Monáe. The president was a good dancer, but Usher threw down some amazing Michael Jackson-style moves.

“They played ‘Single Ladies.’ and all the women were dancing, led by Michelle. Later, everyone lined up and did the electric slide, and the president led a party line around the room. Most people did the conga with him. The only people who weren’t dancing were Bill Clinton (without Hillary), Timothy Geithner and John Kerry.

“Pick any party you’ve ever been to, this was a thousand times better,” our source said.

I’m almost speechless after reading this. A dance off with Usher? Bill Clinton quietly masturbating in the corner? Do you expect me to believe anyone still does the electric slide?  This is some serious bragging here. A thousand times better than any party I’ve ever been to? I mean the 1987 Continental Maritime annual company picnic didn’t have Usher, but it did have a bounce house. I didn’t hear any mention of a bounce house in that story.

Image:PD

Kim Kardashian Has Forgotten Her Roots

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Pregnant Kim Kardashian Arriving On A Flight At LAX

Remember this six months from now when Kim sells the first pictures of her baby to People for $10 million, because a source from the New York Daily News claims that Kim will not be selling  her baby pictures. Via Hollywood Life:

“Kim isn’t going to sell the pics. She’s not interested in doing that at all,” the source told the newspaper.

Ever since dating Kanye — who is super private like his pals Beyonce and Jay-Z — Kim has changed her priorities.

“Kris is the one who wants to make money, but Kanye has changed Kim so much. He’s not interested in doing any of that. He did one episode of her show and he’s not coming back on,” the source added. ”He’s not ever shown on Kourtney & Kim Take Miami. It’s just not good for his image and he’s way more private than Kim.”

The source added that Kim will probably release photos of her and Kanye’s baby on her own terms.

“She will tweet out the baby pic or do something like that,” the source said.

What Kim seems to have forgotten is that Kanye, Beyonce and Jay-Z are all talented to some degree. Well maybe not so much Kanye. But Kim, Kim isn’t really good at anything, unless getting slapped in the face with an enormous black dick while staring into a camera constitutes talent now. No? I didn’t think so.

In fact the only thing Kim and the rest of her vacuous, money hungry family is good at is exposing their mind-numbingly vapid day-to-day lives via every media outlet possible. These people sell their used underwear on e-bay, I wouldn’t be surprised if they started selling their toenail clippings, and we all know god-damn well that if Kris Jenner could score a deal with Kotex, every last one of them would be Instagramming their used tampons.

So when Kim says she values privacy now and won’t be selling her pictures, what she really meant to say was, “I haven’t heard my name mentioned in the last 24 hours, so let me say something completely implausible and stupid so you can talk about me some more.”

And it worked! God Damn You Kim, It Worked!!!!

Image:Fame/Flynet

NKOTB Are Coming to a Venue Near You

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Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. I think I got a hemorrhoid when I read this. Brace yourselves, People is reporting that New Kids On The Block, will be dropping a new album and going on tour this summer with Boyz II Men and 98 Degrees. It’s a baker’s dozen of has-beens performing at your nearest casino or mall!

From People:

The New Kids on the Block are back!

The band plans to bring some heat this summer when they hit the road for a brand new headlining tour – and they’re bringing along a few famous friends: 98 Degrees and Boyz II Men will open all shows on the jaunt, which kicks off May 31 in Uncasville, Conn.

“It just seems like we are getting better and better,” Joey McIntyre, 40, tells PEOPLE. “We’re excited to get out there, rock out and have fun.”

Along with the announcement of their tour, the multi-platinum selling group will release 10 – their first new album in over four years – on April 2.

“We have been doing this for almost 25 years,” says McIntyre. “So it’s important that the music and the lyrics speak to who we are as grown men – and the album reflects that.”

I’m guessing that means the new songs are going to be about their respective searches for gainful employment and coming to terms with erectile dysfunction, but who cares! As long as they promise to sing “This One’s for the Children.”

Image:photo by Alan Light [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

 

Lindsay Lohan Rejects Dancing With the Stars

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ImageAnother week, another series of mind-boggling Lindsay Lohan stories. Lindsay posted the above picture to Instagram yesterday then promptly took it down, because Max George in no way wants to acknowledge that he’s sleeping with the drug mule. That would be like sleeping with the girl who cleans the toilets on the tour bus, but worse.

Today, TMZ is reporting that Lindsay turned down a half-million dollar offer to appear on Dancing With the Stars. Considering Lindsay is a few eight-balls away from giving $20 hand-jobs in the alley behind Chateau Marmont, and that she owes thousands in back taxes, and thousands more to her lawyer, and she’s being sued by a former assistant, I find her turning this down a little surprising. Especially since we all know Lindsay makes such good decisions.

According to the report, Lindsay would never consider reality TV and only wants to stick to films. Even though the past five years of Lindsay’s career has been a reality circus of  arrests, court appearances and fights, Lindsay draws the line at getting paid for dancing on a respectable and popular TV show. I mean what could be more embarrassing than accidentally doing an inside turn when you were supposed to do a ball-change?

“That’s right, I got fuckin’ standards ya blow hards,” Lindsay responded, a Parliament dangling from her lips as she scratched her crotch and swigged from a half-empty bottle of Poplov.