Tag Archives: Celebrity Gossip

Hugh Hefner & Crystal Harris are Getting Married…For Real This Time!

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 Update: The couple went through with their New Years nuptials (how alliterative) and are officially husband and wife,  Crystal better get used to the sight if a colostomy bag.

Hugh Hefner must be suffering from the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease because he’s engaged to Crystal Harris, again. The same Crystal Harris Hef was going to marry last year, who dumped him five days before the planned wedding, dropped a presumably horrible album, tried to get her own reality show, and sold her $90K engagement ring at auction for $38k.

Sources tell TMZ that Harris feels the time she spent apart from Hef really taught her how to be independent and stand on her own two feet.  I’m going to presume that she meant knees here. ‘Stand on her knees,’ makes a lot more sense.

The only reason anyone found Crystal interesting was because she was banging an octogenarian, and once that was over she didn’t really have a whole lot to offer (Courtney Stodden, take note).  So in an effort to claw her way back from obscurity, she’s engaged to marry Hef.  Again! On New Year’s Eve! OMG how romantic!

I’ve always thought Hugh Hefner was a somewhat intelligent person and I’m going to presume this is all happening because he’s senile and doesn’t realize that she’s the same person.  After all, there’s a lot of women hanging out at the Playboy Mansion who fit Crystal’s profile.

By Luke Ford [CC-BY-SA-2.5 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Lady GaGa Offers Counseling to People Who Listen to Her Music

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Lady GaGa announced that she will be offering free counseling sessions before her Born This Way Ball to any concert-goers who wish to receive treatment.  The counseling sessions will take place aboard the Born Brave bus; yeah, you read that right, a bus.

This really raises a lot of questions. Like, why do people attending your concert need to see a counselor? Do you really think anyone with actual psychological problems will be able to get meaningful help inside of a bus, immediately before they drop some X, get drunk on $12 beer, and dance themselves into a stupor while listening to your clichéd music? And finally, shouldn’t you be offering them counseling after the concert when they realize they spent $100 to watch a transvestite sing Madonna songs?

Image:By Artpop Gaga (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Madonna Lectures Young Hoodlums at a Concert in Chile

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Madonna has the dubious distinction of being both the world’s biggest and oldest camel toe. And like any octogenarian whose undies have wedged themselves to deep into her wrinkled labia, she’s a crotchety old bitch, like this video where she’s yelling at her fans at a recent concert in Chile for smoking.

From the mouth of the almighty Madge (that rhymes with vadge.):

“There are people smoking right now, no smoking. If you’re going to smoke cigarettes, I’m not doing a show. You don’t care about me, I don’t care about you. All right? Are we going to play that game? I’m not kidding. I can’t sing if you smoke … You’re looking right at me and smoking cigarettes, like I’m a stupid f—ing idiot.” She then stormed off the stage, prepared herself a nice tincture of laudanum while someone explained to her that people in Chile don’t speak English; she then returned and finished the show.

“People shouldn’t come to concerts if they’re going to let loose and have fun,” Madonna fumed to her assistant later over the salad buffet at Sizzler, she then asked him to come back to her hotel room and show her how to use the remote control.

Image:By Ronald Woan  Uploaded by MyCanon (Madonna) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Janice Dickinson is Getting Married…Again!

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Did you ever read that book by F. Scott Fitzgerald about the psychiatrist who marries a patient out of pity and she ends up ruining his personal life and professional credibility?  Well fuck reading, that shit is about to go down in real life when Janice Dickinson marries some nut-case psychiatrist who proposed to her after dating her for three months.  She gets free access to a prescription pad, he gets…uh…to have sex with Janice Dickinson? Is that good?

Janice Dick-Lips is already telling people that her fourth wedding is going to be the best ever; so extravagant that it makes Brad and Angelina’s upcoming wedding look like a trip to the court house. Her words, not mine. Because what’s really important is an over-the-top, extravagant wedding with 1,000 of your closest friends and a life-size ice sculpture of Janice; the whole ‘marriage’ part will work itself out.  At least for a good three months or so.

By 7login7 (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Kat Von D Engaged to Dead Mua5, Kind Of

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Kat Von D got engaged  this weekend to DJ Deadmau5 who proposed via Twitter using the above picture. Notice the semantics: “Soon, I hope.”

I dated a quite a few losers before I got married (yes, I’m taken. Sorry to ruin Christmas,) so I feel qualified to interpret this.  When a man who wears a mouse hat tweets you a picture of a ring that he says he’s bought for you and that it will be ready ‘soon, he hopes,’  it means he looked at rings on the internet in between jerk-off sessions on pornhub.com and he found one he thinks you might like at Hot Topic.  He thought about buying it, but  he didn’t, he did remember to save the picture to send to you, so in case he forgets to give you a real Christmas gift he can propose online and not have to actually buy anything.

This is the kind of half-assed idea you come up with after drinking a 40oz. and smoking a couple bowls. At least you were in his thoughts Kat, but it may take a while for you to see that ring.

That’s okay though, because Kat will have time to finish the laser tattoo removal of Jesse James ugly childhood portrait that she has under her armpit (pictured above.) It’s probably good she’s doing that now.  Not only is it pretty awkward to stare at the face of a little boy while you’re trying to have sex with your gutter-slut fiancé, it’s even weirder if you remember that the boy in the portrait’s man juices are still marinating in the cavernous hole you’re currently trying to blow your load in.

Image: Twitter, Instagram

Anne Hathaway’s Vagina May Hurt Her Career

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I was always under the impression that the best way for a woman to get to the top in any industry was to flash some vadge.  But Anne Hathaway is some kind of Puritanical prude, because she’s afraid the pink taco exposé she did at the New York premiere of Le Mis has hurt her chances of bringing home a golden dildo shaped like a little man next year. If this turns out to be true I might have to rethink my entire career strategy. (Note to self: No vadge flashing until this is resolved.)

From Hollywoodlife:

“Anne is really hoping for an Oscar for Les Misérables, and she’s worried that this misstep will hurt her credibility as an actress.”

The source points out one reason Anne is so distraught over her commando catastrophe is because she is afraid it has cast a shadow over a project that is very special to her.

For starters, Anne is pretty lucky her vagina drew attention away from that outfit. As far as credibility goes, she just got all the credibility she needed; she proved she’s not a dude, which I was somewhat dubious about until now.

Image: Fashion photographer Anthony Citrano at http://www.zigzaglens.com/ derivative work: Bff (Anne_Hathaway_2008.jpg) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Royal Baby Claims its First Victim

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Above: The media shit-storm surrounding the royal fetus has caused it to to grow power disproportionate to its size.

In what can only be a precedent of the blood-shed that is to come, Prince William and Kate Middleton’s unborn fetus has already claimed the life of its first victim.

The Daily Mail is reporting that the receptionist at King Edward VII hospital who put the now infamous prank phone-call through to Middleton’s room has been found dead, in what police are calling an apparent suicide.

So not only has this evil spawn put its own mother in the hospital, it’s now taking outside victims too. Don’t you people get it? It feeds on the power of the media, you’re only making it stronger! I don’t want to sound like a Doomsday profit, but by the time this baby is born it will have grown powerful enough to take over the world; creating a new order of power with England dominating as our Imperialistic overlords.

*All joking aside, this truly is a tragedy, and an indictment on us all that a hard-working, innocent mother lost her life because of our overwhelming obsession with royalty and wealth.

By Stephen Michalowicz [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons