Valentine’s Day With Mariah Carey is as Terrifying as you Would Imagine

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If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like being married to Mariah Carey imagine a spoiled, insufferable 8-year-old who believes she’s really a princess but she’s really a 42-year-old woman who celebrates every holiday according to that description. So pretty much like being married to a fluffy, pink noose.

Mariah tweeted the above picture of herself and her dog in the bathtub getting ready for Valentine’s Day, and the picture below of her and husband, Nick Cannon, preparing for a Valentine’s date night. Mariah is really into clichéd romantic gestures like candles and balloons, and surgically removing the testicles of the men in her life.

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Kris Humphries’ Lawyer Calls it Quits

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Above: Kris Humphries attempts to understand the laws of motion while playing with a basketball.

The lawyer representing Kris Humphries in his divorce from Kim Kardashian has quit, saying him and his client didn’t see eye to eye on the case. Kris is demanding an annulment claiming the marriage was a publicity stunt and based in fraud, because apparently, Kris had never seen an episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians prior to marrying Kim.

According to TMZ, Marshall Waller made it clear to his client There are no legal grounds for annulling his marriage to Kim, because there’s absolutely no evidence of fraud.

Our sources say Waller and Kris reached an impasse … because Kris’ out-of-state attorney, Lee Hutton won’t budge from the whole annulment thing.  So, Waller filed legal docs Thursday asking the judge to remove him from the case.

According to the State of California, “The fraud must have been about something vital to the relationship that directly affected why the party who was deceived agreed to the marriage or domestic partnership. Some examples are marrying only to get a green card or hiding the inability to have children.” Or in Kim’s case, maybe her vadge leaks sulfuric acid or she’s half centaur and sterile, kind of like a mule. They should really look into that last one.

I would say the real grounds for annulment based in California law is that Kris was of “unsound mind” when Kris Jenner convinced him to marry Kim, took him to a jeweler and picked out a ring for him to buy, arranged for him to propose in front of the film crew, then filmed the whole wedding for an E! television special

Any person that highly suggestible cannot possibly be in a sound state of mind. Even Britney Spears returning home from her weekly shock therapy session isn’t going to let Papa Spears order her a Big Mac at the McDonald’s drive-through when what she really wants is a 40-piece McNugget.

Kris just has to prove he’s the world’s biggest dimwit, which shouldn’t be hard considering he has the mental prowess of an ashtray. He just needs to stand in front of the judge and say, “I thought she loved me.” The judge will laugh so hard, he’ll grant Kris anything he wants.

Kendra and Kate Face Off for Worst Parent Award…or Something

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File:Kendra Wilkinson 2011.jpgIf you’ve ever wanted to see what happens when you trade one annoying bottle-blond wife, for an even more annoying-but- just- in- a- different- way, bottle blond wife you can watch the first episode of ABC’s new reality show, Celebrity Wife Swap, where Kate Gosselin and Kendra Wilkinson will trade lives.

Kate will live with Kendra’s husband Hank Bassett, and their 3-year-old son Hank, where her ‘balls-in-a-vice’ style of running a household will make Hank long for the days when Kendra would accidentally leave the car running in the garage with the door closed.

Kendra will take on the role of single mom to Kate’s eight hellions age 8-12, where she’ll do her best to prove the old wife’s tale that a child really can drown in a tablespoon of water, and teach the children the ins-and-outs of giving head to an octogenarian. Let the hilarity ensue!

Daily Discharge

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Kim Kardashian wants you to remember the good times, when she still looked like this. The Superficial

Ke$ha drinking her own urine is only the second most digustng thing she’s ever done, right after looking like this. WWTDD 

Girls who like Girls don’t like Kate Upton, go figure. IDLYITW 

Hey, just because a man is missing both his legs doesn’t mean he can’t do what everyone else can do, like murder their girlfriends. ICYDK

Lady Gaga has canceled the remaining shows on her Born This Way tour due to a “labral tear of the right hip” and if you thought she tore her labia when you read that, you’re not the only one. D Listed

 

Dear Anne Hathaway, Please Stop Talking Now

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Anne Hathaway is continuing her Reign of Terror on the talk show circuit, hitting up Jay Leno and attempting to present herself as down-to-Earth and charming while talking about winning a BAFTA (the British version of the Oscars,) but coming off as a pretentious cunt instead.

She starts by telling Jay about her dilemma getting the prestigious award home, because she was worried it might disappear from her luggage, before she realized that no lowly TSA agent could ever win a BAFTA, so it would be easy to find.

Anne then does her best to identify with the lower classes, talking about how she got the flu (a commoners ailment BTW), and how she was booed and hissed by her fans. The best part is when Anne tells Jay she got booed and the audience doesn’t respond and she goes “but, no it’s okay. I got to meet George Clooney.” As though she thought everyone felt sorry for her. This bitch garners about as much sympathy as Marie Antoinette.

She then goes on to talk about how horrible it was having the zipper on her designer gown break, but it all worked out because she had another designer gown on hand and she looked just as amazing in that one too! Oh Anne, you live a serendipitous life, don’t you?

“I look like a turkey that has been sewn together. Just not good,” she tells Jay. “How irritating am I? Most women don’t even have one great dress, I have two.”

The answer, Anne, is very. Very, very irritating. More irritating than an ingrown hair on top of a yeast infection covered with a thong made out of a brillo pad.

I can’t embed the video, so here’s the link here.

Image:By Jenn Deering Davis  Uploaded by MyCanon (Anne Hathaway) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Kim Kardashian:Fashion Victim

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Kim Kardashian did a fashion spread for the March issue of  Elle magazine, and if Kim Kardashian doesn’t conjure up images of high fashion for you it’s because squat, troll-like women have no place in the fashion world. And I’m not the only one who thinks that. Stylist Nicola Formichetti claimed no designers would lend Kim clothes to use for the shoot in what he called ‘fashion snobbery.’

I wouldn’t exactly call that snobbery, I would call that ‘Not wanting to get your expensive clothes back smelling like a New England clam bake.’  Not to mention Kim has the body shape of a Clydesdale, so good luck finding those Gucci pants with a ‘generous helping of fabric’ around the ass so that Kim can spend thirty minutes getting into them and then demand that she only be photographed facing dead front.

Besides I’m pretty sure Kim has a line of clothing. It’s called the Kardashian Kollection. And it’s sold exclusively at Sears, where the three money-hungry ilk and their ogre manager have managed to create a clothing line that  looks cheaper and trashier than Miley Cyrus’ collection for Walmart while charging 5 times as much. Don’t forget to check out their kollection of soap dishes and shower curtains too!

Fun fact: A few weeks ago at the thrift store I found a Kardashian Kollection red, nylon jumpsuit with the original price tag still attached. Bitches wanted $80! It looked cheaper than the last minute Halloween costumes you get at Rite Aid!

Goodwill was asking $5.99 and there were still no takers.

Steve Martin Gives Birth at 67

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Rheumatism and cataracts be damned! 67-year-old Steve Martin has proved that not only can he get and erection, he can finish the job too. From the New York Post:

 The “It’s Complicated” star and his wife, Anne Stringfield, 41, welcomed a child in December and have been spotted nearby their LA home with the bundle of joy. “They’ve had a baby, and how they kept it a secret nobody knows,” a source said. “Steve’s very private.” The source added, “They are thrilled. They worked hard to have the baby.” The couple married in 2007.

I learned from watching Japanese elderly porn that the old and enfeebled make the most attentive lovers. That’s why in a post-apocalyptic world when all the men of fighting age have been killed off and the Earth will need to be repopulated using the very old and very young, I call dibs on Larry King.