Author Archives: thevadge

Lock Your Doors, Jaden Smith is About to be Freed

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In an interview with The Sun, Will Smith revealed that he doesn’t believe in punishing his entitled, cocky teenaged children, which somewhat explains the ‘entitled, cocky’ part of that sentence. He also said that his 14-year-old son Jaden asked to be emancipated for this 15 birthday, because he’s got his own mansion he wants to live in, and Will doing the Fresh Prince Rap in front of his friends is just getting embarrassing now. Via Radar:

Will explains that Jaden, who will be celebrating his 15th birthday in July…asked for a very unique gift.

“He says, ‘Dad, I want to be emancipated.’ I know if we do this, he can be an emancipated minor, because he really wants to have his own place, like ‘Ooh,’” Will explained.

Keep in mind that that not only is this kid friends with Justin Bieber, he’s also rumored to be dating one of the Kardashian/Jenner sisters, Kylie or Kraken or something like that, the uglier one, so obviously he doesn’t make very good decisions. If Will unleashes Jaden on to the world it will be a matter of weeks before he’s selling military secrets to the Chinese to get his powdered rhinoceros horn fix.

Image:Tom Sorensen [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Holy Shit! Angelina Jolie Had a Double Masectomy

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File this one down under Blown the Fuck Away, the breasts that single-handedly nursed an entire African nation back from the brink of starvation are no more. Angelina Jolie revealed in an Op-Ed piece to the New York Times that she underwent a voluntary double mastectomy at the beginning of this year. Following is an excerpt that will take all fun out of the words ‘nipple’ and ‘breast,’ sorry boys:

My own process began on Feb. 2 with a procedure known as a “nipple delay,” which rules out disease in the breast ducts behind the nipple and draws extra blood flow to the area. This causes some pain and a lot of bruising, but it increases the chance of saving the nipple.

Two weeks later I had the major surgery, where the breast tissue is removed and temporary fillers are put in place. The operation can take eight hours. You wake up with drain tubes and expanders in your breasts. It does feel like a scene out of a science-fiction film. But days after surgery you can be back to a normal life.

Nine weeks later, the final surgery is completed with the reconstruction of the breasts with an implant. There have been many advances in this procedure in the last few years, and the results can be beautiful.

Good for her, I can’t imagine how hard a decision that was for her, and her sharing her story has the potential to help millions of other women, not to mention I didn’t think it was possible to make Jennifer Aniston look any more like a narcissistic, self-serving harpy every time she trashes Angie about stealing her husband, but she did. Way to go Ange!

Image:By Philipp von Ostau (Own work) [FAL, GFDL 1.2 (http://www.gnu.org/licenses/old-licenses/fdl-1.2.html)

Monday Pregnancy Madness

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Since the world lost interest in her exactly two day, 4 hours and 26 minutes after debuting her gaping butthole to the world, something I refer to as ‘losing your mystique,’ Farrah Abraham was photographed over the weekend purchasing a pregnancy test. What better to way to cling to the last remnants of the attention you got filming a professional porno that you pretended was a leaked private tape than getting pregnant by the porn star you let raw dog your dirt road? (Note: I’m not sure you can actually get pregnant that way.)

And in what Farrah would desperately like to think of as ‘related’ news despite not even living in the same stratosphere, music insiders are speculating that Beyonce is pregnant with her second baby, which seems a lot more believable. I’ll bet you anything Beyonce doesn’t do anal. From Page Six:

Music insiders are chattering about Beyoncé expecting her second child with husband Jay-Z. Multiple sources told us after the Met Gala last week that the singer, who is currently in the middle of a world tour, is pregnant…Beyoncé’s rep didn’t get back to us for comment. But we wouldn’t expect her to — the singer announced she was pregnant with Blue Ivy at the 2011 MTV Music Awards by revealing her bump on the red carpet.

So the weekend has given us one hey-look-I’m buying-a-pregnancy-test grab for relevancy and one I’ll-tell-you-I’m-pregnant-when-this-baby-falls-from-my-cold-slippery-vagina. The world always seems to equalize, it’s like the yin and the yang. In fact I’m feeling so good about this I’ve written a haiku:

The world balances

In its perfect harmony

One fake pregnancy

Says ‘hey look at me’

Beyonce; celebrity

Silent like a stone

Image:PD

Kanye West Walking Into a Pole Isn’t as Awesome as I’d Hoped

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When I heard that Kanye West walked head first into a pole, my first thought was ‘Please God, let that pole be pointy and brain-penetrating.’ No such luck.

‘Well then,’ I thought, ‘At least let me witness the exact moment when his thick, ego-inflated skull hits this thing because I imagine the sound would be something akin to hearing the Bell of King Seongdeok, but with more swearing.’ Again, I was denied my Schadenfreude.

And I wonder, how is it that Kim Kardashian lets the paparazzi know her exact location so they can follow her every move, and the one time, the one opportunity they had to bring joy and happiness to the world, they fail? It’s like how Operation Valkyrie failed to kill Hitler, but worse.

Suri Cruise Makes More Money Than You

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I’ve expressed numerous times on this site my disdain for children, especially celebrity children. How can a woman with children of her own profess to dislike kids as much as I do? That’s the same question I’m sure they’ll be asking a psychiatrist in about 18 years. The long answer will likely cost thousands of dollars in therapy and medication, so to save my future children a lot of money I present the short, cheap answer via The Sun. Also, you made my tits sag:

The daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes has just inked — or maybe crayoned — a £1.5million deal and her label has been imaginatively named Suri.

The fashion-conscious schoolgirl, who regularly tops lists of most stylish celebrity child, will launch her first collection for young girls this autumn in a New York department store.

If successful, the Suri brand will be rolled out in shops across North America next year.

A source said: “Suri is only seven but she is incredibly interested in clothes.

Yes, you read that right. A seven year old child, with no notable talent, and who by most accounts can’t even walk on her own just made one million-four-hundred-ninety-nine-thousand eight-hundred-sixty-seven dollars and 24 cents more than I’ll make this year because she was birthed out of a well-connected vagina. There really is no God.

Image:Fame/Flynet

If there’s one thing I miss about Michael

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If there’s one thing I miss about Michael Jackson, it’s the endless accusations of child molestation that seemed to pop up every couple of years or so. Ahhh, memories. And fortunately for me, it seems Michael has been able to raise a skeletal, white-gloved hand out of the grave and fondle a little boy’s privates from the other side. Well, not actually, but him being dead for four years hasn’t stopped a new accuser from coming forward to claim he was abused by the singer as a child over 20 years ago. Repressed memories or some shit like that. Who cares? Thriller was a great album, let the man rest in peace! From TMZ:

TMZ has obtained legal docs … filed by Wade Robson … in which he’s asking for money from the Michael Jackson Estate for childhood sexual abuse.

Robson — now 30 years old — has worked with top names in pop music including Britney Spears, *NSYNC, Usher and P!nk. He has also appeared on “So You Think You Can Dance.”

Wade met Michael when he was 5 years old and they developed a friendship that lasted for years.  By the time Wade was 7, he went for sleepovers at Neverland and MJ’s homes in L.A. and Vegas.  The sleepovers continued until Wade was 14…

In 2005, Wade testified in MJ’s molestation trial and DENIED Michael ever molested him.
Wade’s lawyer filed legal docs May 1 asking the judge in the Michael Jackson Estate case to allow him to file a late creditor’s claim against the Estate.  In the documents, Wade’s lawyer says he submitted a never-before filed complaint “for childhood sexual abuse.”

Somewhere an emaciated Macaulay Culkin is sitting in a filthy room full of empty red-bull cans and cigarette butts saying “You broke the oath, Wade. You broke the oath!”

Image:By dalbera from Paris, France [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D