Brad Pitt is Single & High, Do I Have a Chance?

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Tell Kit Harrington to pack up his hair care products and get the fuck out of my fantasies because Brad Pitt is on the rebound and possibly pretty drunk, the type of man I’m really good at attracting.

TMZ reported this morning that Angelina Jolie filed for divorce this morning citing irreconcilable differences (note: I will reconcile the shit out of you Brad.) Sources close to the couple say the problem stems from Brad ‘s consumption of marijuana and alcohol as well as his anger  issues when he’ dealing with the children. See Brad? That’s three things we have in common right there!

Not only do I need to extend a warm ‘Thanks’ to Angelina for turning Brad out cold and stoned to be ripped apart in the streets limb by limb by every desperate woman over 30 who watched Thelma & Louise during their formative years, but also for stomping out every other headline of the day. Another unarmed black man shot by police? Donald Trump suggests ceding Alaska from the Union in order to create the World’s largest refugee internment camp to be administered by Sarah Palin? Who fucking cares? I haven’t written a post since April, this is obviously the most important thing to happen to me or anyone else in the past six months.

 

Image:Georges Biard [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

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Holy Shit! Angelina Jolie Had a Double Masectomy

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File this one down under Blown the Fuck Away, the breasts that single-handedly nursed an entire African nation back from the brink of starvation are no more. Angelina Jolie revealed in an Op-Ed piece to the New York Times that she underwent a voluntary double mastectomy at the beginning of this year. Following is an excerpt that will take all fun out of the words ‘nipple’ and ‘breast,’ sorry boys:

My own process began on Feb. 2 with a procedure known as a “nipple delay,” which rules out disease in the breast ducts behind the nipple and draws extra blood flow to the area. This causes some pain and a lot of bruising, but it increases the chance of saving the nipple.

Two weeks later I had the major surgery, where the breast tissue is removed and temporary fillers are put in place. The operation can take eight hours. You wake up with drain tubes and expanders in your breasts. It does feel like a scene out of a science-fiction film. But days after surgery you can be back to a normal life.

Nine weeks later, the final surgery is completed with the reconstruction of the breasts with an implant. There have been many advances in this procedure in the last few years, and the results can be beautiful.

Good for her, I can’t imagine how hard a decision that was for her, and her sharing her story has the potential to help millions of other women, not to mention I didn’t think it was possible to make Jennifer Aniston look any more like a narcissistic, self-serving harpy every time she trashes Angie about stealing her husband, but she did. Way to go Ange!

Image:By Philipp von Ostau (Own work) [FAL, GFDL 1.2 (http://www.gnu.org/licenses/old-licenses/fdl-1.2.html)