Holy Shit! Angelina Jolie Had a Double Masectomy

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File this one down under Blown the Fuck Away, the breasts that single-handedly nursed an entire African nation back from the brink of starvation are no more. Angelina Jolie revealed in an Op-Ed piece to the New York Times that she underwent a voluntary double mastectomy at the beginning of this year. Following is an excerpt that will take all fun out of the words ‘nipple’ and ‘breast,’ sorry boys:

My own process began on Feb. 2 with a procedure known as a “nipple delay,” which rules out disease in the breast ducts behind the nipple and draws extra blood flow to the area. This causes some pain and a lot of bruising, but it increases the chance of saving the nipple.

Two weeks later I had the major surgery, where the breast tissue is removed and temporary fillers are put in place. The operation can take eight hours. You wake up with drain tubes and expanders in your breasts. It does feel like a scene out of a science-fiction film. But days after surgery you can be back to a normal life.

Nine weeks later, the final surgery is completed with the reconstruction of the breasts with an implant. There have been many advances in this procedure in the last few years, and the results can be beautiful.

Good for her, I can’t imagine how hard a decision that was for her, and her sharing her story has the potential to help millions of other women, not to mention I didn’t think it was possible to make Jennifer Aniston look any more like a narcissistic, self-serving harpy every time she trashes Angie about stealing her husband, but she did. Way to go Ange!

Image:By Philipp von Ostau (Own work) [FAL, GFDL 1.2 (http://www.gnu.org/licenses/old-licenses/fdl-1.2.html)

Brangelina Has LAPD on Speed Dial

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One time I had to call the police because my house got broken into and it took them three hours to show up. Three hours!  It gave me just enough time to hide the bong and Febreze the shit out of the place. But if you’re Brangelina and have enough kids to form a United Nations’ council for overexposed children you’ve got the cops on speed dial and they’re fuckin’ prompt.

On Friday night someone accidentally hit the panic button at the Jolie-Pitt home, (my guess is Vivienne, you can just tell that ugly little crumb-gobbler is up to no good,) and LAPD responded like it was a black man inconspicuously walking down the street, swarming the place with squad cars and a helicopter.

Those two must have made a hell of a donation to the police foundation. Note: if you dial 911 and hang up, you’ll get a call back asking if you’re okay, If you’re Brangelina and you press a button, you’ll get a helicopter. Now that’s fucking service.

Image: Georges Biard [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons