Monthly Archives: May 2013

Monday Pregnancy Madness

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Since the world lost interest in her exactly two day, 4 hours and 26 minutes after debuting her gaping butthole to the world, something I refer to as ‘losing your mystique,’ Farrah Abraham was photographed over the weekend purchasing a pregnancy test. What better to way to cling to the last remnants of the attention you got filming a professional porno that you pretended was a leaked private tape than getting pregnant by the porn star you let raw dog your dirt road? (Note: I’m not sure you can actually get pregnant that way.)

And in what Farrah would desperately like to think of as ‘related’ news despite not even living in the same stratosphere, music insiders are speculating that Beyonce is pregnant with her second baby, which seems a lot more believable. I’ll bet you anything Beyonce doesn’t do anal. From Page Six:

Music insiders are chattering about Beyoncé expecting her second child with husband Jay-Z. Multiple sources told us after the Met Gala last week that the singer, who is currently in the middle of a world tour, is pregnant…Beyoncé’s rep didn’t get back to us for comment. But we wouldn’t expect her to — the singer announced she was pregnant with Blue Ivy at the 2011 MTV Music Awards by revealing her bump on the red carpet.

So the weekend has given us one hey-look-I’m buying-a-pregnancy-test grab for relevancy and one I’ll-tell-you-I’m-pregnant-when-this-baby-falls-from-my-cold-slippery-vagina. The world always seems to equalize, it’s like the yin and the yang. In fact I’m feeling so good about this I’ve written a haiku:

The world balances

In its perfect harmony

One fake pregnancy

Says ‘hey look at me’

Beyonce; celebrity

Silent like a stone

Image:PD

Kanye West Walking Into a Pole Isn’t as Awesome as I’d Hoped

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When I heard that Kanye West walked head first into a pole, my first thought was ‘Please God, let that pole be pointy and brain-penetrating.’ No such luck.

‘Well then,’ I thought, ‘At least let me witness the exact moment when his thick, ego-inflated skull hits this thing because I imagine the sound would be something akin to hearing the Bell of King Seongdeok, but with more swearing.’ Again, I was denied my Schadenfreude.

And I wonder, how is it that Kim Kardashian lets the paparazzi know her exact location so they can follow her every move, and the one time, the one opportunity they had to bring joy and happiness to the world, they fail? It’s like how Operation Valkyrie failed to kill Hitler, but worse.

Suri Cruise Makes More Money Than You

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I’ve expressed numerous times on this site my disdain for children, especially celebrity children. How can a woman with children of her own profess to dislike kids as much as I do? That’s the same question I’m sure they’ll be asking a psychiatrist in about 18 years. The long answer will likely cost thousands of dollars in therapy and medication, so to save my future children a lot of money I present the short, cheap answer via The Sun. Also, you made my tits sag:

The daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes has just inked — or maybe crayoned — a £1.5million deal and her label has been imaginatively named Suri.

The fashion-conscious schoolgirl, who regularly tops lists of most stylish celebrity child, will launch her first collection for young girls this autumn in a New York department store.

If successful, the Suri brand will be rolled out in shops across North America next year.

A source said: “Suri is only seven but she is incredibly interested in clothes.

Yes, you read that right. A seven year old child, with no notable talent, and who by most accounts can’t even walk on her own just made one million-four-hundred-ninety-nine-thousand eight-hundred-sixty-seven dollars and 24 cents more than I’ll make this year because she was birthed out of a well-connected vagina. There really is no God.

Image:Fame/Flynet

If there’s one thing I miss about Michael

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If there’s one thing I miss about Michael Jackson, it’s the endless accusations of child molestation that seemed to pop up every couple of years or so. Ahhh, memories. And fortunately for me, it seems Michael has been able to raise a skeletal, white-gloved hand out of the grave and fondle a little boy’s privates from the other side. Well, not actually, but him being dead for four years hasn’t stopped a new accuser from coming forward to claim he was abused by the singer as a child over 20 years ago. Repressed memories or some shit like that. Who cares? Thriller was a great album, let the man rest in peace! From TMZ:

TMZ has obtained legal docs … filed by Wade Robson … in which he’s asking for money from the Michael Jackson Estate for childhood sexual abuse.

Robson — now 30 years old — has worked with top names in pop music including Britney Spears, *NSYNC, Usher and P!nk. He has also appeared on “So You Think You Can Dance.”

Wade met Michael when he was 5 years old and they developed a friendship that lasted for years.  By the time Wade was 7, he went for sleepovers at Neverland and MJ’s homes in L.A. and Vegas.  The sleepovers continued until Wade was 14…

In 2005, Wade testified in MJ’s molestation trial and DENIED Michael ever molested him.
Wade’s lawyer filed legal docs May 1 asking the judge in the Michael Jackson Estate case to allow him to file a late creditor’s claim against the Estate.  In the documents, Wade’s lawyer says he submitted a never-before filed complaint “for childhood sexual abuse.”

Somewhere an emaciated Macaulay Culkin is sitting in a filthy room full of empty red-bull cans and cigarette butts saying “You broke the oath, Wade. You broke the oath!”

Image:By dalbera from Paris, France [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D

Justin Bieber Might Be Charged With Battery, Will Still Get Off Scot-Free

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A while back, Justin Bieber spit in his neighbor’s face and threatened to kill him because he’s an entitled little twit. Nobody expected anything to come of it because he’s a celebrity in LA, and they can pretty much roam the streets using civilians for target practice and get away with it. But according to TMZ, this time will be different, this time there will be consequences for a celebrity’s reckless behavior! But not really.

The L.A. County Sheriff’s Dept. investigated the case and sent the file to the D.A. Tuesday.  Law enforcement sources tell TMZ, Sheriff’s investigators are urging prosecutors to charge the singer with battery.  We’re told cops don’t think Bieber should go to jail, but he needs serious counseling because of his repeated and escalating bad behavior.
Law enforcement sources tell us Sheriff’s investigators are worried that Bieber is either going to “get his ass kicked” or “someone’s gonna get a $2 million payday” unless the singer changes his tune.

So the L.A. County Sheriff is ‘worried’ someone might finally kick the shit out of Justin like he totally deserves, or hold him financially responsible for his reckless behavior? Shouldn’t they be worried about more important things, like oh say, terrorists detonating a nuke or the next mass shooting at a mall where the Kardashians are introducing a new line of clothing/perfume/douches? (Not that I’ve considered it.) In fact, I think Justin Bieber getting his ass kicked might be at the top of the list of ‘Things People Would Pay Good Money to See,’ right behind Farrah Abraham doing anal apparently.

Image:Fame/Flynet

Lauryn Hill is a Slave to Modern Economics

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Lauryn Hill has been sentenced to three months in federal prison for failing to pay income taxes on the 1.8 million she earned from 2005-2007, but it’s not her fault you guys! Her ancestors were slaves. Her words, not mine. From TMZ:

The 37-year-old former Fugee pled guilty last year to three counts of tax evasion for failing to file returns on $1.8 million she earned from 2005 to 2007. Lauryn’s attorney asked for mercy because of her charity work and 6 kids … but the judge wasn’t buying it. During the hearing, the judge ordered Hill to report to prison by July 8. It’s unclear where Hill will serve her time.

Hill was present during the hearing, and delivered a statement to the judge in which she compared her situation to slavery.

“I was put into a system I didn’t know the nature of. … I’m a child of former slaves. I got into an economic paradigm and had that imposed on me,” Hill said.  She continued, “I sold 50 million units … now I’m up here paying a tax debt. If that’s not likened to slavery, I don’t know what is.”

In her defense I will point out that both she and black actor Wesley Snipe have both been handed jail sentences for tax evasion, while Lindsay Lohan still owes about $250,000 in federal back taxes, but blaming it on slavery is pretty ballsy. Even if she is the child of former slaves she still managed to become a world-famous musician and make millions of dollars for herself. I’m the child of a chain-smoking midget and a failed cult leader, you don’t see me using that as an excuse for why I’m lying on the floor wearing a soiled sheet surrounded by Dorito crumbs at noon. We make our own destinies.

Image:By Daigo Oliva from São Paulo, Brasil (lauryn hill) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D