Update:The life support system for Ron Jeremy’s schlong is alert, erect and smiling after suffering a heart aneurysm last month. Here’s Ron posing with his nurse/soon-to-be-costar of Bangin’ Asians 6 at Cedars-Sinai. Lookin’ good, Ron, lookin’ good.
Image: Twitter_@RealRonJeremy
It might be a little premature to name this week’s douche on Wednesday, but Chris Brown never disappoints, and I don’t think anyone is going to top this.
Chris Brown has already proved to us he’s a short-fused woman beater with a violent temper, but he’s also a dirty,filthy liar who faked his court-ordered community service from when he proved his love for Rihanna by punching her in the face. From TMZ:
The L.A. County District Attorney has filed legal documents claiming Chris Brown has violated his probation by submitting bogus community service records … claiming in one case he swore he was picking up trash in Virginia when he was actually on a PRIVATE JET TO CANCUN …TMZ has learned…
Bryan T. Norwood, the Chief of Police in Richmond, VA., wrote a letter to the judge on September 14, claiming Brown successfully completed 202 days of community service — he was only required to perform 180.
Norwood attached documents showing that Brown frequently worked at Tappahannock Children’s Center — a place where Brown’s mom was once a director — and did odd jobs such as painting, washing windows, waxing floors, cutting grass and picking up trash.
According to legal docs obtained by TMZ … the Richmond P.D. admits they only supervised Brown on 9 or 10 occasions and on all other dates he was not supervised by anyone.
And get this … the detective who had been assigned to oversee Brown’s community service was told she did not have to continue monitoring at the Children’s Center. The times, location and types of duty were provided by Chris Brown’s mother.
The D.A. claims Chris and the Chief of Police had a prior relationship.And there’s more. According to the docs, Chris’ lawyer, Mark Geragos, “instructed” the lawyer for the Richmond P.D. on how to “handle” D.A. investigators’ questions about Chris’ community service.
And Geragos told the probation officer there was a court order that Chris’ community service be removed from the probation department and given to the police chief. Fact is … there was no such court order…
And there’s more … the Administrator of the Children’s Center allegedly tried coaching the floor waxing guy on what to say to D.A. investigators, but he refused to lie and in fact had already told investigators he was the only one who waxed the floors for the past 3 years. Chris claimed in docs he waxed the floors on some occasions.
The judge was suspicious when the community service documents were filed, and sources tell us the D.A. began investigating and found no “credible, competent or verifiable evidence” that Brown did the 180 days community service.
Sources tell TMZ … there’s no way Chris could have performed community service on some of the days, because he was out of the country doing concerts.
The D.A. calls Chris’ documentation “at best sloppy … and at worst fraudulent reporting.”
And there’s more … the Administrator of the Children’s Center allegedly tried coaching the floor waxing guy on what to say to D.A. investigators, but he refused to lie and in fact had already told investigators he was the only one who waxed the floors for the past 3 years. Chris claimed in docs he waxed the floors on some occasions.
The judge was suspicious when the community service documents were filed, and sources tell us the D.A. began investigating and found no “credible, competent or verifiable evidence” that Brown did the 180 days community service.
Sources tell TMZ … there’s no way Chris could have performed community service on some of the days, because he was out of the country doing concerts.
The D.A. calls Chris’ documentation “at best sloppy … and at worst fraudulent reporting.”
Using your mom’s connections to get out of doing any actually work is pretty bad. Asking the janitor to cover for your lazy ass is even worse; did he at least try to to slip the guy a $20 for his troubles? He probably thought the janitor would be happy to risk his job to lie for a celebrity like Chris Brown!
And Christ, if you’re gonna lie at least be modest, and smart about it. He added an extra 22 days over the required amount of service! I bet he thought that made him look really contrite. He couldn’t even bother to look at the days and make sure he was in the fucking country on days he was claiming to be picking up trash!
But wait, it gets worse! Because Chris Brown is actually the victim in all this. Yes! Last night he took to Instagram to write this piece of word vomit:
“Im a human being and I honestly think I deserve respect Im sick of being accused … Im tired yall Just don’t understand Ive been going through this sh*t since I was 19 years old .. You cant sit here and tell me to calm down, when am I gonna get a positive outcome out of anything I do?”
“Im not gonna sit here and play victim, Im just tired of this sh*t … I pray every day and night for a new outcome … and just when everything seems to be going good some new sh*t happens.”
I’m confused. Is Chris Brown the fourth member of Pussy Riot? Is he Julian Assange? Or Jesus? Wait, nevermind. What I’m saying is Chris is an entitled, spoiled, world-famous millionaire, who thinks he can do whatever the fuck he wants and when anyone tries to call him out on it or impose consequences for his actions he falls back on the whole “I’m being persecuted for who I am” card…like a little bitch.
John Travolta lost his bid to keep an sexual assault case against him out of court and in arbitration with the cruise line where the alleged assault took place.
In 2009, Fabian Zanzia, a Royal Caribbean Cruise employee, claims Travolta requested Zanzi deliver food to his stateroom where Travolta requested a neck massage then dropped his robe, exposing his boner and attempted to embrace Zanzi.
Travolta allegedly then told Zanzi he was “beautiful” and said, “Take me, I will take care of you, please.”
Zanzi says he resisted, and then Travolta offered him $12k to keep quiet.
I’m guessing Zanzi then ran from the room screaming and spent the next 24 hours hunched in the shower trying to scrub off the shame. While John stood there asking “Can’t a guy tried to rub his junk against another guy, without it being gay? Cuz it’s not. It’s not gay.” Before adding, “You just walked out on the best thing that ever happened to you, baby.”
Travolta’s lawyer argued Friday that the ticket for the 2009 Royal Caribbean cruise liner included an agreement to settle all disputes between a passenger and the company through arbitration, but the judge disagreed, and cleared the case for trial.
I really doubt John or Scientology would ever let this shit air out in court. They’re going to settle this faster than it took John to impregnate Kelly Preston.
Only in America do we make trampling a store worker to death the day after Thanksgiving, and watching commercials a national pass time. And on Sunday we celebrated the latter of those traditions cramming two hours of commercials into an hour and a half of football broken up by a half hour of Beyonce shaking her badonkadonk. God bless this country.
The most important break-out star of the Superbowl, aside from the football people, is the weasely little dweeb who made out with Bar Rafaeli in the Go Daddy commercial, Jesse Heiman, who told TMZ:
“I’ve actually had guys tweet me that they wish they were me, and girls tweet me saying they wish they were Bar.”
But the interest from the ladies isn’t just from the cyber variety — Jesse explains, “I have girls run up to me and take pictures with me, tweet me for dates.”
Jesse tells us his career has also exploded … saying, “There are lots of inquiries coming in to my agent and manager, their phone has been ringing off the hook, but they are really letting me enjoy the moment right now.”
So making out with a supermodel will get launch your career and get you some Twitter dates. Congratulations Jesse, as long as Hollywood needs someone to play the ‘fat, unnatractive person’ you’ll always have a job.
Beyonce and Jay-Z are very private people, so it’s been speculated that even though they’re good friends with Kanye West, they don’t care too much for Kim Kardashian, because she would televise her colonoscopy if she thought it would bring good ratings.
So you know Kim’s doing her best to not come off as the walking endorsment deal that she is and kiss Beyonce’s ass at the same time. Back in June, Kim gave Beyonce’s baby, Blue Ivy, a $5,000 diamond bracelet engraved “Love, Auntie Kim,” to which Beyonce said, “Throw it in the pile with the others.” And yesterday Kim tweeted this during the Superbowl half-time show:
“I heard there was this little football game at the Beyonce concert today…. Is that true? #BeyonceBowl,” and “OMG Beyonce killed it!!! And when Destiny’s Child came out…that made my life! #Bootylicious.
Kim was probably choking down black bile as she wrote that and sent it out into the Twitterverse, especially the “bootylicious” part. I bet Kris was standing over her shoulder hissing, “Do it, do it, they have good connections.”
If Kim manages to crawl her way any further up Beyonce’s ass she’s going to turn into a polyp. And I believe that’s two references to colon health in one post.
It’s a well-documented fact that women are terrible with money. That’s why we always lose at Monopoly and why my numerous attempts to gain financial independence through cats have failed; those damn things just aren’t profitable no matter how you work the numbers!
So it should come as no surprise that Lindsay Lohan had no idea she owes a couple hundred thousand dollars to her former attorney, Shawn Holley. Not only is Lindsay a woman, she’s fucking stupid too! From TMZ:
Lindsay Lohan is telling friends she was clueless until a few days ago that she owed Shawn Holley a small fortune in attorney’s fees, but we’re told now that she knows she’s putting Shawn at the top of her creditor’s list.It’s hard to swallow … that Lindsay didn’t know how much she owed Shawn. We’ve been reporting for weeks it’s in the 6 figures. Sources quite familiar with the situation tell TMZ, Lindsay owes Shawn $150,000.It’s interesting … although Lindsay fired Shawn … our sources tell us she’s been making a full-court press for more than a week to get her back, but Shawn isn’t having it.
We’re told Lindsay has instructed her business manager to pay the tab ASAP. Lindsay is making money from appearances, endorsements and some acting gigs, but she’s been spending like an insane woman — first class plane tickets, expensive hotels, restaurants, clothes, etc. Lindsay says she’ll cut back so Shawn gets paid.
So Lindsay forgetting to pay Shawn was just an oversight. LOL, Lindsay’s so crazy like that. I bet her and Shawn are gonna have a good belly-laugh over that one. Especially when Lindsay tells her she spent all the money on cocaine and lip injections.
Shawn will just roll her eyes and say “Girl please, one time I dropped 50k on a weave and some nail polish.”
Image: Fame/Flynet
Turns out taking a load to the face isn’t as lucrative as I thought it was because former porn star Kacey Jordan, one of Charlie Sheen’s infamous prostitutes, has filed for bankruptcy. Looks like I’m going to have to rethink my retirement plan. From TMZ:
A hooker just can’t get a break these days … Kacey Jordan, Charlie Sheen’s former porn star, warlock lover and all things sex-for-money, has gone belly up — filing for bankruptcy.
Kacey — one of Charlie’s favorite XXX girls who also partied with him the night of his infamous cocaine binge — claims she has a measly $290 in assets, but owes $6,000.Why so broke?
You’ll recall, Kacey has vowed to get out of the prostitution game — to find a real job — but according to docs, the recession hit this hooker hard, because she’s been unemployed since 2010.
Kacey’s income — a grand total of $300 a month — is courtesy of her boyfriend.
$290???!!! That’s all her assets? Does she live in an empty room with a bottle of peroxide, some bronzer and a tube of lip gloss? I guarantee you I have at least $290 worth of tampons and nail polish laying around my bathroom.
Image:By Toglenn (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)
thevadge.com 