Alec Baldwin’s Manners Are Impeccable

File:Alec Baldwin by David Shankbone.jpg

Alec Baldwin had another perfectly charming encounter with a writer and photographer from The New York Post, where the debonair actor slew a hilarious racial slur and told a woman he wished she would choke to death. Oh, Alec, you’re the epitome of class! From the NY Post:

Baldwin had first been approached by a Post reporter while walking his dogs outside his East 10th Street pad at around 10:50 a.m. He was asked for comment on a lawsuit against his wife, Hilaria, involving her work as a yoga instructor.

The “30 Rock’’ star grabbed the reporter, Tara Palmeri, by her arm and told her, “I want you to choke to death,” Palmeri told police, for whom she played an audiotape of the conversation.

He then called G.N. Miller — a decorated retired detective with the NYPD’s Organized Crime Control Bureau and a staff photographer for The Post — a “coon, a drug dealer,’’ Miller’s police statement said…

Cops were called, and Miller, 56, and Baldwin, 54, both filed harassment claims against each other.

Minutes later, Baldwin ranted on Twitter.

“Thank u 2 NYPD officers who came to my home 2day so that I could file a formal complaint against NY Post “photographer’’ who assaulted me,’’ he tweeted.

In another post, Baldwin referred to Miller, for unknown reasons, as “Ralston,” writing, “Moments after I tweet about the Post, Ralston, the ex-crackhead ‘photographer’ shows up at my door w 1 of Murdoch’s nieces in tow.”

He added, “Ralston claims he’s ex NYPD!! That can’t be!!! Ex NYPD don’t become crackhead, ex jailhouse paparazzi!”

The actor eventually removed most of the posts.

Miller also said the actor bumped him in the chest during their tete-a-tete, although Baldwin told cops the photographer “pushed into him,’’ according to the actor’s complaint…

Baldwin also made “disparaging remarks’’ about Miller’s mother, the photographer said.

As oblivious pedestrians walked by, Baldwin told him to “suck my d–k,” Miller said.

See? Alec is just as charismatic in person as he is in those NPR pledge drive commercials. In any other situation talkin’ ‘bout a man’s mama to a drug-addled ex-con would get you stabbed in the eye, but not Alec. That crackhead was probably so smitten by Alec’s bedroom eyes and bloated face he probably just stood there and took pictures with his fancy drug-dealer camera.

Image:By David Shankbone (David Shankbone) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)

Daily Discharge

Avert you’re eyes plebeians! For looking into the face of Blue Ivy Carter is like looking into the eyes of God. DListed

Faith Hill is too skinny, she needs to gain about 2.7 lbs. Anymore and she’ll be fat. ICYDK 

Jennifer Love Hewitt is still unmarried and desperate. WWTDD

Harrison Ford will reprise his role as Han Solo in J J Abrams’ Star Wars VII. Excuse me while I pick my vadge up off the floor. IDLYITW 

Jenna Dewan Tatum is pregnant now, so let’s all remember the good ol’ days. TooFab 

Valentine’s Day With Mariah Carey is as Terrifying as you Would Imagine

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If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like being married to Mariah Carey imagine a spoiled, insufferable 8-year-old who believes she’s really a princess but she’s really a 42-year-old woman who celebrates every holiday according to that description. So pretty much like being married to a fluffy, pink noose.

Mariah tweeted the above picture of herself and her dog in the bathtub getting ready for Valentine’s Day, and the picture below of her and husband, Nick Cannon, preparing for a Valentine’s date night. Mariah is really into clichéd romantic gestures like candles and balloons, and surgically removing the testicles of the men in her life.

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Kris Humphries’ Lawyer Calls it Quits

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Above: Kris Humphries attempts to understand the laws of motion while playing with a basketball.

The lawyer representing Kris Humphries in his divorce from Kim Kardashian has quit, saying him and his client didn’t see eye to eye on the case. Kris is demanding an annulment claiming the marriage was a publicity stunt and based in fraud, because apparently, Kris had never seen an episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians prior to marrying Kim.

According to TMZ, Marshall Waller made it clear to his client There are no legal grounds for annulling his marriage to Kim, because there’s absolutely no evidence of fraud.

Our sources say Waller and Kris reached an impasse … because Kris’ out-of-state attorney, Lee Hutton won’t budge from the whole annulment thing.  So, Waller filed legal docs Thursday asking the judge to remove him from the case.

According to the State of California, “The fraud must have been about something vital to the relationship that directly affected why the party who was deceived agreed to the marriage or domestic partnership. Some examples are marrying only to get a green card or hiding the inability to have children.” Or in Kim’s case, maybe her vadge leaks sulfuric acid or she’s half centaur and sterile, kind of like a mule. They should really look into that last one.

I would say the real grounds for annulment based in California law is that Kris was of “unsound mind” when Kris Jenner convinced him to marry Kim, took him to a jeweler and picked out a ring for him to buy, arranged for him to propose in front of the film crew, then filmed the whole wedding for an E! television special

Any person that highly suggestible cannot possibly be in a sound state of mind. Even Britney Spears returning home from her weekly shock therapy session isn’t going to let Papa Spears order her a Big Mac at the McDonald’s drive-through when what she really wants is a 40-piece McNugget.

Kris just has to prove he’s the world’s biggest dimwit, which shouldn’t be hard considering he has the mental prowess of an ashtray. He just needs to stand in front of the judge and say, “I thought she loved me.” The judge will laugh so hard, he’ll grant Kris anything he wants.

Kendra and Kate Face Off for Worst Parent Award…or Something

File:Kendra Wilkinson 2011.jpgIf you’ve ever wanted to see what happens when you trade one annoying bottle-blond wife, for an even more annoying-but- just- in- a- different- way, bottle blond wife you can watch the first episode of ABC’s new reality show, Celebrity Wife Swap, where Kate Gosselin and Kendra Wilkinson will trade lives.

Kate will live with Kendra’s husband Hank Bassett, and their 3-year-old son Hank, where her ‘balls-in-a-vice’ style of running a household will make Hank long for the days when Kendra would accidentally leave the car running in the garage with the door closed.

Kendra will take on the role of single mom to Kate’s eight hellions age 8-12, where she’ll do her best to prove the old wife’s tale that a child really can drown in a tablespoon of water, and teach the children the ins-and-outs of giving head to an octogenarian. Let the hilarity ensue!

Daily Discharge

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Kim Kardashian wants you to remember the good times, when she still looked like this. The Superficial

Ke$ha drinking her own urine is only the second most digustng thing she’s ever done, right after looking like this. WWTDD 

Girls who like Girls don’t like Kate Upton, go figure. IDLYITW 

Hey, just because a man is missing both his legs doesn’t mean he can’t do what everyone else can do, like murder their girlfriends. ICYDK

Lady Gaga has canceled the remaining shows on her Born This Way tour due to a “labral tear of the right hip” and if you thought she tore her labia when you read that, you’re not the only one. D Listed

 

Dear Anne Hathaway, Please Stop Talking Now

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Anne Hathaway is continuing her Reign of Terror on the talk show circuit, hitting up Jay Leno and attempting to present herself as down-to-Earth and charming while talking about winning a BAFTA (the British version of the Oscars,) but coming off as a pretentious cunt instead.

She starts by telling Jay about her dilemma getting the prestigious award home, because she was worried it might disappear from her luggage, before she realized that no lowly TSA agent could ever win a BAFTA, so it would be easy to find.

Anne then does her best to identify with the lower classes, talking about how she got the flu (a commoners ailment BTW), and how she was booed and hissed by her fans. The best part is when Anne tells Jay she got booed and the audience doesn’t respond and she goes “but, no it’s okay. I got to meet George Clooney.” As though she thought everyone felt sorry for her. This bitch garners about as much sympathy as Marie Antoinette.

She then goes on to talk about how horrible it was having the zipper on her designer gown break, but it all worked out because she had another designer gown on hand and she looked just as amazing in that one too! Oh Anne, you live a serendipitous life, don’t you?

“I look like a turkey that has been sewn together. Just not good,” she tells Jay. “How irritating am I? Most women don’t even have one great dress, I have two.”

The answer, Anne, is very. Very, very irritating. More irritating than an ingrown hair on top of a yeast infection covered with a thong made out of a brillo pad.

I can’t embed the video, so here’s the link here.

Image:By Jenn Deering Davis  Uploaded by MyCanon (Anne Hathaway) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons