Rihanna’a Make-Up line Will Reflect Her Personal Style

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Rihanna has signed on with MAC cosmetics to come out with her own line of make-up specifically designed to cover-up bruises and facial lacerations. I’ll let you figure out which part of that sentence was true.

Image:By Liam Mendes  Uploaded by MyCanon (Rihanna) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Kristen Stewart Proclaimed the Ice Queen of Unsexy

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I wouldn’t think that a website that specializes in selling gadgets (really) knows about women, or Hollywood, or women in Hollywood for that matter, but they seem to know something because the UK website, Menkind.co.uk, has proclaimed Kristen Stewart the ‘Least Sexy Actress in Hollywood.’ From E!

It seems Kristen Stewart has just been named the least sexy actress in Hollywood by gadget website MenKind.co.uk, which conducted the survey.

“Our poll has been a fascinating insight into the minds of British men. It’s shown that sexiness is far more than appearance,” said a spokesperson for the site, according to various media reports. “They were turned off by volatile and moody actresses as well as ice queens. And they don’t want to see unhealthy skinny starlets on the big screen.”

Well, rounding out the top 10 are Sarah Jessica Parker, Lindsay Lohan, Denise Richards, Kirsten Dunst, Mischa Barton, Hilary Swank, Lucy Liu, Tilda Swinton and Uma Thurman.

Okay, I understand that Kristen Stewart has about as much sex appeal as a piece of cardboard, and not that fancy corrugated cardboard either, I’m talking your standard single-ply cardboard. But Lindsay Lohan? I’m sure sex with K-Stew is about as enjoyable as jerking off with a Brillo pad, but at least she won’t try to bite off your dick and sell it on the Chinese black market.

Image:Tom Sorensen  Uploaded by MyCanon [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Britney Spears’ Mystery Man Revealed, Is Kind of Disappointing

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Above: Despite being worth an estimated $200 million, Britney Spears stays true to her Southern upbringing and prefers to wear stained sweat pants and over-sized sweaters.

Everyone, and by everyone I mean the half-wits at TMZ, has been going ape shit over Britney Spears’ Valentine’s Day sighting with a mystery man. And now we can end our incessant speculation and go back to our mundane, pathetic lives because through investigative journalism worthy of Bob Woodward, TMZ has discovered the guy’s name is David. Just David, no last name. Not even a ‘David but friends call him Dave,’ or ‘David that guy who got caught jerking off on kittens in the pet store.’ Just David.

They did manage to find out that he’s originally from Atlanta, he works for a law firm doing field research, which I’m almost positive mean he’s a professional stalker, and he’s a decent tipper. I’m glad to see that Britney’s going back to her Southern roots as far as dating goes; because Britney’s really just a small-town, country bumpkin at heart and she’s not going to find love living in LA.

Britney doesn’t know it yet, but her true love is the guy working at the feed store in PoDunk, Alabama, named ‘Possum’ who’s missing two fingers.

Image:Pacific Coast News

Dear China, Please Explain What You Did to Sarah Jessica Parker’s Face

Response:

American movie actress Sarah Jessica Parker tops cover of Harper’s Bazaar for Glorious People’s Republic of China. Jealous comrades accuse Miss Parker’s uncovered face of wonderful picture editing. False lies! Miss Parker’s pleasant face is true, due to happiness of being on cover of Chinese Harper’s Bazaar. Believe! Miss Parker possess beauty exquisite  of ‘Horse Face.’

Clive Davis is Gay. Who’d of Thought?

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In what is sure to cause an epidemic of limp dicks across the internet, 80-year-old music mogul Clive Davis announced today that he is bisexual. Davis came halfway out of the closet today on the Katie Couric Show. Too bad this didn’t come out 50 years ago, before the thought of Clive Davis having sex with anybody was enough to cause a person to choke to death on their own vomit.

In his new book due to be released this Spring, Davis explains what caused him to stray from the easy poontang of the 70’s into the newly-liberated arms of  greased-up,80’s man meat. From the NY Post:

Rolling Stone reports that Davis writes candidly about his personal life in a five-page section toward the end of his new memoir, “The Soundtrack of My Life,” out today.

In the book, he talks about his long-term relationship with a man during “the era of Studio 54” after he separated from his second wife in 1985.

“On this night, after imbibing enough alcohol, I was open to responding to his sexual overtures,” writes Davis, who says he had only been with women before.

After a period of “soul searching and self-analysis,” Davis went on to have simultaneous relationships with two women and a man.

Davis writes, “After my second marriage failed, I met a man who was also grounded in music. Having only had loving relationships and sexual intimacy with women, I opened myself up to the possibility that I could have that with a male, and found that I could.”

Looking at the above picture of Clive, I don’t know why nobody figured this out sooner. The man’s handkerchief matches his tie. How did we not see this before?

Image:Christopherpeterson at en.wikipedia [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)

Fergie Had Sex With Josh Duhamel; Is Pregnant Now

Fergie posted the above (photoshopped) picture of her and husband Josh Duhamel as children to her Instagram account this morning with the caption “Josh & Me & BABY makes three!!! #mylovelybabybump.”

I’m guessing the subtle meaning behind this is that Fergie is going to be releasing a new solo album next month. NO! Wait! It means they got a new cat! The cat in the picture! No, let me change that. It means she’s pregnant! With a kitten! And she’s due in about six weeks.

Khloe Kardashian Nixed From X-Factor; Rampages Set and is Taken Down With Tranquilizers

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Okay, I made that last part of the headline up, but it’s saying a lot about you’re on-screen persona when Mario Lopez is deemed more likable than you. And so Khloe Kardashian’s nights of terrifying children as co-host of the X-Factor will be drawing to a close. From the NY Post:

The X Factor” won’t be keeping up with Khloe Kardashian anymore.

The towering reality star has not been asked to return as co-host of the high-profile Fox singing competition, sources tell The Post.

“They are asking Mario [Lopez] to come back, but not Khloe,” an insider confirms.

Kardashian, 28, came to the show with no television hosting experience and often appeared nervous and unprepared on camera.

The Huffington Post went so far as to suggest that the “awkward” pair were secretly being paid off by rival singing show “The Voice.”

“I am sure there was a big percentage of Khloe’s fans who followed her to ‘X Factor.’” said LA hosting expert Marki Costello, who has provided on-camera coaching for “Voice” judge Cee Lo Green among others.

“But at the end of the day, when she doesn’t know what she is doing, are you helping your show or hurting it?

“It was really hard for me to watch Mario with her,” she said. “It made me, as a viewer, almost uncomfortable.”

I’m sure what was really making everyone uncomfortable was how Khloe kept telling every contestant that she could “smell their blood”  and demanding the show’s rejects be taken to her dressing room so she could club them and boil their bones.