Senate Drops Zero Dark Thirty Investigation

Because they realized they have better things to do, like run a government, the Senate Intelligence Committee, which surely, must be a misnomer, announced they are dropping their investigation in the film Zero Dark Thirty. From the Hollywood Reporter:

Sens. Dianne Feinstein, D-Calif., John McCain, R-Ariz., and Carl Levin, D-Mich., launched an investigation into Bigelow and Boal’s connection with the CIA, and whether the agency had told them that torture had led to useful terrorist-hunting leads. The film’s depiction of torture as part of the CIA’s approach to obtaining intelligence needed to catch the terrorist drew further scrutiny.

…Even before the film hit theatres, senators raised questions about whether director Kathryn Bigelowand screenwriter Mark Boal had obtained from the CIA information about the wild hunt across the Middle East. Now, Reuters reports that the committee has decided to close its investigation into the film, which lost in the best picture, best original screenplay and best actress categories Sunday night.

I don’t normally like to delve into politics mostly because everyone is old and unattractive and the chances of someone flashing their junk is slim to nil, but this shit is completely stupid. Do you really need inside CIA information to know that torturing a person might lead to useful information? I swear to God, if you put Whip My Hair Back and Forth on auto-repeat and forced me to listen I would rat out my own mother’s pot-growing operation (Hi Mom!) within the first 12 seconds.

Janet Jackson Already Got Married, Noone Cared

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Sources, and by sources I mean the retards at Entertainment Tonight, have been claiming that Janet Jackson was planning a wedding to her 37-year-old boyfriend, Qatari billionaire Wissam Al Mana. I don’t know anything about this guy but I don’t think he’s Muslim, because they can’t drink or eat pork, and I’m pretty sure you would have to do both of those to be married to Janet Jackson.

So to quell these rumors, Janet finally admitted that there’s not going to be a wedding. Because they already got married last year.This is the third time Janet Jackson has gotten married without anyone knowing; not even the guys she married. (Kardashian family, take note.)

Janet’s secret wedding raises all kinds of questions, such as why a billionaire in his thirties is remotely interested in the 46-year old, black version of the skeleton that played Norman Bate’s mother. And where the fuck we’re all the single desperate billionaires when I was single? Also, why do my ears plug up sometimes when I run?

J-Law Fell at the Academy Awards, But it’s Okay

The only thing that could have made me feel better after watching Anne Hathaway get her stupid Oscar that she’s been bitching about for months would have been if she tripped and fell off the stage, impaling herself on the coveted statue. Now that’s irony!

Instead Jennifer Lawrence tripped while accepting her award for Best Actress, but it was okay because if anyone could pull off falling at the Academy Awards it’s Jennifer Lawrence, she’s just that charming.

Kimye’s Baby Will Wear Skirts, Doesn’t Necessarily Mean It’s a Girl

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A ‘source’ that totally isn’t Kim Kardashian tells US Weekly that Kim Kardashian is expecting a baby girl this July, because Kim  suddenly has reservations about whoring out the unborn. Instead,  Kris ‘Rumplestiltskin’ Jenner revealed the baby’s sex and once she cashes the check she got for the story she’ll give Kim her cut.

Image:Fame/Flynet

Megan Fox & Michael Bay Reunite to Create a Half Shell of a Movie

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A few years ago Megan Fox compared director Michael Bay to Hitler and called him a “nightmare to work for,” after he gave her a big acting break in the Transformers. Michael Bay also famously made Megan audition for that movie by washing his car in a bikini. Then Megan had a baby and said she didn’t want to show off her body anymore, and everyone thought that was the end of her acting career. Aaannndd it didn’t take long for those highfalutin notions of modesty to get scraped.

Bay announced on his website last night that Megan has joined the cast of his upcoming art-house film Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles where Megan will take on the challenging and emotionally tolling role of April O’Neil, the human friend of the sewer-dwelling reptiles. Because a film of this caliber is usually about the cinematography and the direction, I’m sure Megan won’t be showing much skin.

From The Hollywood Reporter:

Sources say Fox and Bay reconciled over a series of recent meetings and that one tete-a-tete that won her over was with director Jonathan Liebesman, who wowed her with the storyboards, according to insiders.

I love the idea that Megan Fox was ‘wowed’ by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles storyboard. This bitch believes in goblins and leprechauns, so I don’t think they’re exaggerating, she probably really was blown away when she saw it. She probably thinks there are actual mutated turtles highly trained in the martial arts by a rat sensei living in the sewers of New York, and that’s why it will be the city God smites first when the rapture comes.

Image:By Luke Ford [CC-BY-SA-2.5 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Mischa Barton Paid Someone to Keep Her Sober, Still Couldn’t Keep Her From Looking Like This

Mischa Barton Shopping In Los Angeles

Mischa Barton on Marie Claire magazine cover September 2008

Back in 2009 when Mischa Barton was still holding on to the last small crumb of her relevancy, she hired a team of nurses at the cost of $90k to keep her sober, but never paid them. Which I wouldn’t have either, because it didn’t work. The nurse’s job was to keep Mischa away from an ‘unspecified substance’ before an ‘important acting gig,’ most likely the CW’s  “The Beautiful Life,” which ran for five episodes before that shit got canned. So when they say ‘important acting job’ what I think they meant was ‘the death throes of her career.’ From TMZ:

Mischa was ordered to pay Doctors’ Choice Nursing $95,000 back in 2011 for unspecified services rendered in 2009. Mischa failed to show up to court after the suit was filed, which is why a default judgment was entered against her.

The nature of the services has been a mystery for years … until this week in court, when the owner of DCN explained that the nurses were hired to keep Mischa sober. The owner did not specify which substance Mischa was allegedly abusing.

Mischa’s lawyer was in court Thursday fighting the default judgment — and grilled the owner of DCN about why she hadn’t notified Mischa of the mounting bill if the actress was the one responsible for paying it.

The owner replied that she didn’t want the stress of the mounting bill to exacerbate Mischa’s sobriety problems. The owner said it was the nurses’ job to keep Mischa sober before an important acting gig in fall 2009 … the same year she starred in the CW show, “The Beautiful Life.”

Mischa’s lawyer contends it was the actress’ mother who hired the nurses and therefore ran up the bills — so Mischa shouldn’t have to pay. The judge has yet to rule.

I have a hard time believing it cost that much money to make sure a person stays sober. How much can a sturdy chair and some rope cost?

Lindsay Lohan Returns Half the Dress She Borrowed

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These never get old. Lindsay Lohan is taking heat again for mangling a $1,700 dress that she borrowed to attend an amFAR event in NYC. I’m sure Lindsay’s train of thought behind cutting the bottom off a floor-length gown to make it into a mini-skirt was “How’s anybody supposed to see my crotch in this thing?” From US Weekly:

Lindsay Lohan wore a gorgeous, beaded, floor-sweeping gown by Theia to an amFAR event on Feb. 6 in NYC, but by the time she returned it, the dress was half its original length.
“She said that the dress had ripped [at a club after the fundraiser] — she couldn’t possibly wear it like that — so her stylist friend went to the club bouncer and requested some scissors to repair the torn part of the dress,” a source tells Us Weekly. “But what bouncer has scissors?”
“She turned it into a mullet! Only a fashiony person would do that! ” the source continues. “She’s out of control and behaving really badly.”

This source is being pretty kind. Only a ‘fashiony’ person would do that? ‘Fashiony’ isn’t a real world so I’m going to go ahead and make up a definition.

Fashiony (noun)

1.    An entitled cunt who squanders every opportunity and gesture of kindness from others by essentially ruining everything that touches her freckled, nicotine-stained hands.

Image:Fame/Flynet