Sources, and by sources I mean the retards at Entertainment Tonight, have been claiming that Janet Jackson was planning a wedding to her 37-year-old boyfriend, Qatari billionaire Wissam Al Mana. I don’t know anything about this guy but I don’t think he’s Muslim, because they can’t drink or eat pork, and I’m pretty sure you would have to do both of those to be married to Janet Jackson.

So to quell these rumors, Janet finally admitted that there’s not going to be a wedding. Because they already got married last year.This is the third time Janet Jackson has gotten married without anyone knowing; not even the guys she married. (Kardashian family, take note.)

Janet’s secret wedding raises all kinds of questions, such as why a billionaire in his thirties is remotely interested in the 46-year old, black version of the skeleton that played Norman Bate’s mother. And where the fuck we’re all the single desperate billionaires when I was single? Also, why do my ears plug up sometimes when I run?