Monthly Archives: January 2013

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I can think of numerous reasons James Franco is one of the biggest, most pretentious, smug douchebags in the universe, and that was before I knew he wrote poetry too. Yahoo! News asked Franco to write a poem for the presidential inauguration, and you know James Franco couldn’t turn down a chance to show the president how amazingly talented James Franco is. For this poem alone I’m nominating James Franco for Douche of the Year 2013.

Most people, even celebrities would probably turn down an offer to write a poem for the president because it’s kind of a big deal and there’s a lot of potential for embarrassment, especially if you’re just some actor and not a particularly good actor, or writer for that matter. But not James Franco! And even though his word vomit would make Charles Bukowski rise from his grave just to kick him in the nuts, it didn’t stop Franco from turning in his paper on time and demanding an ‘A’.

This guy is so arrogant and wannabe eclectic it’s only a matter of time before he’s paper macheing his turds, mounting them on ‘found art’ i.e. garbage and selling them at his soon-to-open New York gallery. You suck James Franco! And so did Rise of the Planet of the Apes, and so does your poem, and not in an ironic, hipster kind of way that really makes it cool.

Here’s the link if you want to watch Jesus reincarnate recite his poem. But if you’re prone to diarrhea you might just want to read my cliff notes below:

Obama in Asheville

James Franco wrote a poem about James Franco having to write an inaugural poem. James Franco didn’t know what to write, and James Franco is in Asheville, and Obama isn’t (hence the title) So James Franco ate a burrito, then called his class at UCLA to tell them what movies to watch because James Franco teaches a class at UCLA, did you know that?

Then James Franco remembered the time Obama got to meet him at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner and that The President of the United States had seen Spiderman, and of course, already knew who James Franco was.

He ends by saying if James Franco ever plays Obama in a movie, he’d win an Academy Award. Did I mention the poem was written by James Franco?

You can also read the poem in its entirety here.

Daily Discharge

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Rihanna may be suffering long-term brain damage from copious marijuana use and repeated blows to the head, but damned if she doesn’t give the people what they want! (above)

Let the downward spiral begin! Britney Spears is single and not wearing a bra. The Superficial

“Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens are totally lesbians now,” I concluded after seeing this picture and taking it completely out of context. ICYDK

Beyonce and Kelly Clarkson sang this morning. Oh, and there was some kind of inauguration or something. D Listed

Image:Instagram_@rihanna

Jodie Foster Might Have Switched Sides to Make Babies With Mel Gibson

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Even though Jodie Foster has made it clear she won’t identify the father of her sons until they’re 21, that doesn’t stop media outlets and myself from wildly speculating about who the babies’ daddy is. Bigfoot,my guess is Bigfoot. No,Hugo Chavez! The New York Post has some more credible possibilities:

Could Mel Gibson be the biological father of Jodie Foster’s two sons?

That’s what some in Hollywood were wondering as Foster thanked Gibson — “You know, you save me, too” — in her heartfelt speech Sunday, reports The Post’s Los Angeles correspondent, Richard Johnson. Gibson was sitting with Charles, 14, and Kit, 12, at Foster’s table…

“The kids look like him [Gibson] but blonder,” said one amateur genealogist.

If Gibson, a father of eight, donated his sperm to Foster, it would explain her fierce loyalty to the troubled star while the rest of Hollywood shunned him…

The other prime paternity possibility is Randy Stone, the openly gay casting-director friend of Foster who died of heart disease in 2007.

This shouldn’t be too hard to figure out. We’ll know when they grow up to be delusional,racist misogynists or effeminate,art-types with heart problems.

Image:Tom Sorensen [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Tiger Woods Wants Elin Nordegren Back

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Archival Modeling Images Of Elin Nordegren!

If you’ve ever felt sorry for Elin Nordegrin, don’t. Everybody gets cheated on, not everybody get’s a $100 million to help heal their broken heart.Most of us get a restraining order and a bill from the courts for $1,000 in damages thank you very much Judge Gwen Trouberg.

Not only is Elin the ultimate in gold-digger divorcés,she’s a six-foot-tall,sun-bronzed,Swedish Ice Queen whose poontang is presumably made out of gold because Tiger Woods is willing to pay $200 million to go back to having marital missionary with her over depraved, Asian porn stars with scat fetishes. From Fox News:

The shamed sportsman, who was exposed for his serial cheating behind Elin’s back in 2009, is desperate to win her back, the magazine claims, offered a $200 million prenup to the stunning Swede.

And she is said to be considering the proposal, but only if he includes a $350 million anti-cheating clause.

I wrote the first part of this post before realizing that the actual source for this story is The Sun, the UK version of the National Enquirer. Which means this is true in the sense that Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegrin are people and that Tiger was shamed at some point in his life and Elin is Swedish. They got that right!

Who would believe that a person would pay $200 million to have sex with someone they’ve already had sex with before. Especially their spouse.

*I realized after posting that you can see Elin’s nipple in the picture, so I made it safe for work, and I apologize if you had an awkward moment with the boss.

Image:Fame/Flynet

Jennifer Lopez’ Doesn’t Really Look Like This

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Image Jennifer Lopez is on the cover of next week’s issue of People proclaiming loudly that she has no regrets about being a supercilious cunt who thinks she’s too good to talk to the ‘help.’

What she does have regrets about is this magazine cover, because according to Page Six J-ello and her people think the cover photo makes her look “old and haggard” and reached out to People about it, but the photo stayed.

I’m going to cut J-ello a break, she might look like the cover model on a box of Depends but she doesn’t exactly looks haggard. At least she was able to force a real smile out of  her permanently grimaced mouth. Maybe it’s because she just crapped her pants and nobody knows it but her.

Snoop Dogg/Lion is Fuckin’ GLAMOROUS!

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ImageSnoop Dog or Lion or whatever the fuck he’s calling his high ass these days posted this picture on Instagram this week with the caption “French tip for the french enhale,”

I think he meant ‘ènhale,’ but that’s beside the point. Snoop has come up from the mean streets of Compton and he’s fierce, sassy and likes to get his nails did. You go girl!