Farrah Abraham Reaches Sex Tape Settlement; Does Anal

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The sex-tape-that’s-really-a-porno starring Farrah Abraham that no one’s really anticipating but we’ve all been having a good time making fun of Farrah in the process, has finally obtained the proper releases (ie. Farrah’s holdout signature) and will be released upon the world to take its rightful place amongst other wannabe celebrity sex tapes: somewhere below the Chyna sex tape but slightly above the Toastee from Flavor of Love sex tape.

The 70-minutes film will be released as Farrah Superstar: Back Door Teen Mom, so uh, I’m guessing there’s anal involved here. Which is good, you can’t just wiggle your toes in the sordid pool of porn creation, you have to dive in head first, covering your body in the sticky Santorum of desperation and easy money.

Despite asking for $2 million dollars from Vivid for the release of her tape, Farrah reportedly settled for somewhere in the high six-figures, which is still too much. If they had just held out for a few more months she would have settled for $200 worth of groceries and a childcare voucher. Image: Twitter_@F1Abraham

Tim Tebow Proves God Doesn’t Exist

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Following a dismal season, Tim Tebow was given the boot by the NY Jets and replaced by quarterback Gino Smith.  Hopefully this will finally prove to NFL fans that praying doesn’t actually work, so quit asking for the Cleveland Browns to beat the 13 point spread so you can win $40 in the office pool, selfish prick.

Tebow captured the nation’s attention and hearts with his wholesome image, admitting that he was a virgin and often dropping to his knees on the field to give thanks. It seems like the Jets got caught up in the teen-girl fanaticism surrounding Tebow and failed to consider more important things like, oh I dunno, can he throw a ball? The move reportedly cost the Jets $4 million, but will be made up for in team morale now that they don’t have Tebow proselytizing in the locker room while staring at everyone’s junk.

Image:By Clemed (Own work) via Wikimedia Commons

Miley Cyrus Should Probably Be Scared Right Now

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Amanda Bynes took a break from talking to the voices inside her smoke alarms to shave half of her head and post some pictures of her new ‘do on Twitter. All I can think of when I see these pictures is that Miley Cyrus might want to go into hiding in the very near future. I’m pretty sure Amanda’s next move will be showing up at Miley’s house with a chloroform-soaked rag and a hatchet.

“Hi Liam, I’m Miley now. Don’t mind those flies buzzing around, they’re controlled by the French government. They follow me wherever I go. STOPSTRUGGLINGANDDIEBITCHDIE!”

Image: Twitter_@amandabynnes

GOOPy Is Even More Granola Than We Thought

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When Gwyneth Paltrow “AKA People Magazine’s Sexiest Woman and don’t you forget it,” wore this sheer paneled dress to the premiere of Iron Man 3 everyone began to speculate on how she dealt with her pubes in such a revealing outfit. Did she have an army of Nepalese child slaves pluck each hair out individually? Did she perform a ritualistic wax using manuka honey infused with the tears of starving African children? Or, being Goopy-Granola, is she sporting a bush so big you need a machete to cut through it?

Yesterday Gwyneth went on Ellen  to elaborate on her grooming techniques. Turns out it’s the latter, sorry if you were eating breakfast.

“I kind of had a disaster,” Paltrow explained “I was doing a show and I changed there, and I went and I couldn’t wear underwear. I don’t think I can tell this story on TV. Well, let’s just say everyone went scrambling for a razor and so I went from being the most beautiful to the most humiliated in one day… I work a seventies vibe, if you know what I mean!”

I just hope when she made those plebians hack away at her understory to keep it from exploding out of that dress she made sure they kept an eye out for any sloths living in there. I think those things are endangered.

Image:Fame/Flynet

Jessica Alba Sucks it In

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Last week, the internet went apeshit over pictures of Jessica Alba in a bikini, and everyone was all, “Oh my God, she’s had two kids look how good she looks. How does she do it?” As I previously reported, she ‘does it’ by sitting on her ass, eating Cheetohs and getting i-lipo treatments. Oh yeah, and she wore two girdles for three months, telling Net-a-Porter magazine “It was brutal; it’s not for everyone, I wore a double corset day and night for three months. It was sweaty, but worth it.”

Fuck you and your two girdles Jessica. After having a baby I wore a girdle too. On my vagina. To keep it off the floor, because that’s how it gets dirty. And to this day I can’t sneeze without having to change my underwear.

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Gwyneth Paltrow Named Most Beautiful *Slap Forehead*

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Gwyneth Paltrow Is People Magazine's Most Beautiful Woman

The pedestrian People magazine has named Gwyneth Paltrow 2013’s most beautiful woman. Since in high school I was voted “Most Likely to Take Up Residence in the Belfry at Notre Dame,” I don’t really have a platform to say ol’ Gweny Goop isn’t beautiful, she looks great for a 40-year-old woman, and she hasn’t resorted to plastic surgery…yet. Although she probably has resorted to housing pregnant illegal immigrants in her mansion and forcing them to have abortions so she can feast on the flesh of the unborn which she believes keeps her young, just saying.

Anyways, what I’m getting at is yes, Gwyneth is beautiful, but believe me, this bitch knows that better than anybody else. The last thing she need is a boost to an ego already so big she’s about to  emerge from her silken cocoon like Mothra and destroy Manhattan for overturning the soft drink ban. They should have named Britney Spears as Most Beautiful, she looks like she could really use a pick me up. Let’s keep GOOPy’s awards to things more up her alley like “Most Likely to ‘Accidentally’ Starve Her Children,” of “Most Likely to Die in a Wood-Fired Stove Related Accident.”

Teen Mom Jenelle Evans Arrested for Heroin Possession, No Surprise There

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The producers at MTV have a gift for canvassing the nation’s special education classrooms in order to find suitable degenerates to catapult into the national spotlight and remind us all how fucked up our society really is. It’s like a divine gift.

So there shouldn’t be any eyebrows raisedabout the star of Teen Mom 2, Jenelle Evans being arrested for possession of heroin and assault. Again. According to TMZ:

Cops discovered 12 bindles of heroin in Jenelle’s possession when they arrived to her home following an alleged domestic dispute with her husband, Courtland Rogers. 

Ha! Those crazy kids and their ‘domestic disputes.’ But wait, there’s more!

Evans was also found to be illegally in possession of Percocet (a prescription painkiller) … as well as plastic wrapping paper and a glass smoking pipe, which is considered illegal drug paraphernalia.

As for the assault charge, cops say Evans struck Rogers with a piece of furniture during a domestic dispute.  Rogers was arrested too — cops say he assaulted Jenelle by “hitting her on the neck and striking her with a closed fist on her head.”

Cops say Rogers was also in possession of heroin with intent to manufacture, sell, distribute … and drug paraphernalia.

According to police, both Evans and Rogers denied possession of the heroin … which is why they were both charged.

At the time of her arrest, 21-year-old Evans was also served with a warrant for failing to pay child support. 

Naturally, radaronline is reporting that Jenelle claims to have been set-up by her on-and-off again husband Courtland Rogers. Because why would a person who passes the responsibility of raising her child on to her parents, while also refusing to pay any money for the care of their child, have any accountability when it comes to something like drug possession?

“You mean I can’t just give this baggie to my mom and have her do the sentence for me? Thanks for nothing, mom. God, I hate you!”