Gwyneth Paltrow Named Most Beautiful *Slap Forehead*

Gwyneth Paltrow Is People Magazine's Most Beautiful Woman

The pedestrian People magazine has named Gwyneth Paltrow 2013’s most beautiful woman. Since in high school I was voted “Most Likely to Take Up Residence in the Belfry at Notre Dame,” I don’t really have a platform to say ol’ Gweny Goop isn’t beautiful, she looks great for a 40-year-old woman, and she hasn’t resorted to plastic surgery…yet. Although she probably has resorted to housing pregnant illegal immigrants in her mansion and forcing them to have abortions so she can feast on the flesh of the unborn which she believes keeps her young, just saying.

Anyways, what I’m getting at is yes, Gwyneth is beautiful, but believe me, this bitch knows that better than anybody else. The last thing she need is a boost to an ego already so big she’s about to  emerge from her silken cocoon like Mothra and destroy Manhattan for overturning the soft drink ban. They should have named Britney Spears as Most Beautiful, she looks like she could really use a pick me up. Let’s keep GOOPy’s awards to things more up her alley like “Most Likely to ‘Accidentally’ Starve Her Children,” of “Most Likely to Die in a Wood-Fired Stove Related Accident.”