Jessica Alba Sucks it In

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Last week, the internet went apeshit over pictures of Jessica Alba in a bikini, and everyone was all, “Oh my God, she’s had two kids look how good she looks. How does she do it?” As I previously reported, she ‘does it’ by sitting on her ass, eating Cheetohs and getting i-lipo treatments. Oh yeah, and she wore two girdles for three months, telling Net-a-Porter magazine “It was brutal; it’s not for everyone, I wore a double corset day and night for three months. It was sweaty, but worth it.”

Fuck you and your two girdles Jessica. After having a baby I wore a girdle too. On my vagina. To keep it off the floor, because that’s how it gets dirty. And to this day I can’t sneeze without having to change my underwear.

Image:Fame/Flynet

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Jessica Alba is Better Than You

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Hostess Raspberry Zingers: The reason your life sucks.

Ever look in the mirror and think “God, I look like shit,” and then wonder ‘How does Jessica Alba looks so good, that bitch has two kids?’ Well apparently it’s because she works out hard, eats right and has millions of dollars. So she can afford i-Lipo treatments at $300 a pop.

If you’re really interested in i-Lipo, you can read all about it here. But I have a feeling you’re just going to keep eating that Ho-Ho and move on to the next post. In summation, Jessica Alba is a skank, and tasty Hostess products can solve all your problems.

Image:By Evan-Amos (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons