Farrah Abraham Reaches Sex Tape Settlement; Does Anal

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The sex-tape-that’s-really-a-porno starring Farrah Abraham that no one’s really anticipating but we’ve all been having a good time making fun of Farrah in the process, has finally obtained the proper releases (ie. Farrah’s holdout signature) and will be released upon the world to take its rightful place amongst other wannabe celebrity sex tapes: somewhere below the Chyna sex tape but slightly above the Toastee from Flavor of Love sex tape.

The 70-minutes film will be released as Farrah Superstar: Back Door Teen Mom, so uh, I’m guessing there’s anal involved here. Which is good, you can’t just wiggle your toes in the sordid pool of porn creation, you have to dive in head first, covering your body in the sticky Santorum of desperation and easy money.

Despite asking for $2 million dollars from Vivid for the release of her tape, Farrah reportedly settled for somewhere in the high six-figures, which is still too much. If they had just held out for a few more months she would have settled for $200 worth of groceries and a childcare voucher. Image: Twitter_@F1Abraham

Well Played Farrah Abraham, Well Played

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Remember how Farrah Abraham was upset because people were saying there was a sex tape of her going around? That’s because it’s not a sex tape, it’s a porno, filmed on a set with porn-actor James Deen. From TMZ:

Deen — a professional porn star — tells TMZ, “Word travels fast … it isn’t even edited yet. We shot it yesterday.” When asked if the two were dating, based on the fact they were seen holding hands yesterday, Deen said, “Definitely not dating. Got tested together on Friday and then saw her on set. That is my only experience with the lady.”

 No wonder she’s so indignant. Anybody can fuck in front of their camera phone and upload it to the internet. It takes a true actress, a connoisseur of the art, to convincingly pull a man’s penis out her butt, put it in her mouth and act like she likes it.

“See the lighting and how well they edited that scene, baby? That means mommy’s a professional.”

In anticipation of her porn career not taking off, Farrah’s also working as a phone sex operator for $5 dollars a minute. Girl’s got all her bases covered.

Brace Yourselves For Teen Mom Farrah Abraham’s Sex Tape That We All Knew Was Coming

Who needs talent, or an 9th grade education when all you need to do is film yourself having sex, sell the tape, pretend you’re going to sue, then watch the dollars roll in? I think there’s supposed to be some mention of an exploited  child somewhere in there.

Teen Mom star, Farrah Abraham, adamantly denied to TMZ that a sex tape of her exists, on the very same day she was photographed walking hand in hand with porn-star James Deen into the offices of Vivid Entertainment, the same company that released the Kim Kardashian sex tape.

I’m guessing all that feigned outrage was just to get us pumped up about seeing her take a load in the face. What an amazing actress! It’s always so much more exciting when it’s the demure, dignified ones.