GOOPy Is Even More Granola Than We Thought


When Gwyneth Paltrow “AKA People Magazine’s Sexiest Woman and don’t you forget it,” wore this sheer paneled dress to the premiere of Iron Man 3 everyone began to speculate on how she dealt with her pubes in such a revealing outfit. Did she have an army of Nepalese child slaves pluck each hair out individually? Did she perform a ritualistic wax using manuka honey infused with the tears of starving African children? Or, being Goopy-Granola, is she sporting a bush so big you need a machete to cut through it?

Yesterday Gwyneth went on Ellen  to elaborate on her grooming techniques. Turns out it’s the latter, sorry if you were eating breakfast.

“I kind of had a disaster,” Paltrow explained “I was doing a show and I changed there, and I went and I couldn’t wear underwear. I don’t think I can tell this story on TV. Well, let’s just say everyone went scrambling for a razor and so I went from being the most beautiful to the most humiliated in one day… I work a seventies vibe, if you know what I mean!”

I just hope when she made those plebians hack away at her understory to keep it from exploding out of that dress she made sure they kept an eye out for any sloths living in there. I think those things are endangered.


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