Last week, the internet went apeshit over pictures of Jessica Alba in a bikini, and everyone was all, “Oh my God, she’s had two kids look how good she looks. How does she do it?” As I previously reported, she ‘does it’ by sitting on her ass, eating Cheetohs and getting i-lipo treatments. Oh yeah, and she wore two girdles for three months, telling Net-a-Porter magazine “It was brutal; it’s not for everyone, I wore a double corset day and night for three months. It was sweaty, but worth it.”

Fuck you and your two girdles Jessica. After having a baby I wore a girdle too. On my vagina. To keep it off the floor, because that’s how it gets dirty. And to this day I can’t sneeze without having to change my underwear.

Image:Fame/Flynet