Category Archives: The Box

Jennifer Love Hewitt Has Finally Found Someone to Ruin Their Life and Have a Baby With Her

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34-year-old Jennifer Love Hewitt has spent the better part of her adult life desperately trying to convince a man to marry her. But men can smell a woman with a wedding gown and baby names already picked out a mile away, so she did the next best thing and quit taking her birth control and got pregnant by her current boyfriend/co-star on The Client List, Brian Hallisay. Surprise! Guys totally love it when you trick them into making a life-altering, life-long commitment. They like it just as much as spontaneous blow-jobs and threesomes with you and the stripper you met at the club. I’m sure if he hasn’t already, this guys’ next move is to head down to the jewelry store and pick out the ring Jennifer’s had on hold since she was 19.

After Earth Might be the Worst Movie on Earth

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Who would have thought the American people would finally reject the notion of talentless and entitled celebrity children given plum roles in movies in order to promote their parent’s religious propaganda? After Earth, the new Will/Jaden Smith movie which some speculate is way to push Scientology on the mindless, unassuming American movie-goer, has debuted in North America to dismal numbers. Prepare yourself for some Shadenfreude via The Hollywood Reporter:

For nearly two decades, every summer film starring Will Smith has opened at No. 1, an enviable run (Made in America debuted at No. 2 in 1993).

Heading into the weekend, After Earth was expected to easily outpace Now You See Me with a $35 million to $40 million opening, still one of the lowest numbers for a summer film starring Smith…

Hindered by dismal reviews and a B CinemaScore, After Earth vastly underperformed. The pic will now need to make a strong showing overseas if it has any chance of making up its $130 million budget, plus a major marketing spend.    

The best part is that not only did After Earth get beat by Now You See Me, they both got beat by Fast & Furious 6, which came in at number one. That’s right, a movie franchise which has astoundingly managed to create five other films on the premise of car-racing criminals and stars Vin Diesel and The Rock beat a Will Smith movie. I know my brother would say the line: “Bullshit asshole, no one likes the tuna here,” is one of the best movie lines ever, but that’s bullshit, The Fast & The Furious sucks, Alex!. The fact that they’ve made six of those movies and they’re still popular says something about how absolutely retarded we are as a country, but the fact that it beat After Earth is slightly redeeming. Now we just have to run the Kardashians out of the country and we’ll be on track to living in a utopian society with universal access to depraved, Japanese pornography and user-uploaded videos of kittens.

Michael Douglas Says He Got Cancer From Going Down on Catherine Zeta-Jones

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Above: Michael Douglas looking like no one anyone’s wanted to have sex with ever.

In what is sure to be a blow to oral sex enthusiasts everywhere, Michael Douglas told a newspaper that his recent bout of throat cancer was caused by too much dining at the Y. I feel like I’m supposed to say here that Catherine Zeta-Jones is a lucky woman, but I don’t think that’s entirely true

Via The Hollywood Reporter:

When a reporter for U.K.’s The Guardian newspaper asked the Behind the Candelabra star if he attributed his cancer to drinking and smoking throughout his life, Douglas pointed to a different reason.

“No. Because without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus,” he told the newspaper.

So to sum this up, oral sex won’t get you pregnant, but it will give you cancer, aannndd feel free to smoke and drink as much as you want, but the next time someone asks you to go down on them kick em in the genitals and tell them blow jobs kill.

J-Lo’s Cameltoe Blitzkreigs the UK

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Jennifer Lopez’ crotch invaded British airwaves on this week’s episode of Britain’s Got Talent somehow managing to outrage a country that grants unquestioned adulation toward an antiquated figurehead giving them a $50 million salary because hey, it’s tradition.

J-ello graced the stage to perform her new single Live It Up wearing a black vinyl unitard that exposed every contour of what can only be described as a 43-year-old ham sandwich, and the Brits were horrified, writing in multiple complaints and expressing their disgust via Twitter with comments such as:

“Could Jennifer Lopez’s outfit be any more inappropriate for a family show??? #bgt #jlo #thrusting?!”

“Think I have seen a little too much of Jennifer Lopez – meant to be a family show? #inappropriate #bgt.”

Keep in mind this is a country that graciously allows topless women on their basic cable and beaches, so I’m guessing it’s not the outfit itself, but the clammy, blown-out-by-twins-vagina underneath that’s got everyone so upset. Oh, and the fact that she’s Mexican, the British are totally racist.

Kim Kardashian is Poisoning Her Baby, Looks Great!

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Because everyone knows a child gestating in the warm womb of narcissism and self-importance is impervious to things like, you know, toxic chemicals, Kim Kardiashian is still getting Botox injections despite being seven months pregnant. “Eh, who cares if my kids retarded, I won’t be taking care of it. Besides, having a forehead that moves is totally gross.” From In Touch:

Insiders tell In Touch that Kim is putting her baby’s health on the line in the name of beauty. “She’s still getting injections even though she’s seven months pregnant,”says an insider. Kim’s obsession with beauty hasn’t only driven her to get chemicals injected into her face — she’s also been having gel manicures and spray tans, all procedures that could have consequences for her unborn baby with boyfriend Kanye West. “She’s so worried about what she looks like — that’s why she’s still getting Botox,” says a family insider. “She’ll go to any lengths to protect the one thing that’s most precious to her: her beauty.”

Kim and I are the same age, and the wax figure of Kim at Madame Tussaud’s looks more natural than she does. I on the other hand, have a forehead that looks like a sheet of college ruled paper. Combined with my majestic hump from sitting over a computer 16 hours a day, I like to think that I’m ushering in a new standard of beauty for faceless blogger everywhere.

James Lipton Was a Pimp. You Read That Right

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Here’s a tidbit of news I wasn’t expecting to read this morning, James Lipton, yes, that James Lipton with the beard from Inside the Actors Studio, was a pimp in post-WWII Paris. I’ll let that sit for a minute. From People:

Lipton reveals that he was initially a friend of a prostitute who later ended up getting him into the business.

“When I ran out of money, I said, ‘I have to go home,'” he says. “She said, ‘No, you don’t. I’ll arrange for you.’ So she arranged for me to do it. I had to be okayed by the underworld, otherwise they would’ve found me floating in the Seine.”

Of that era, Lipton says, “Young women desperately needed money for various reasons. They were beautiful and young and extraordinary. There was no opprobrium because it was completely regulated. Every week they had to be inspected medically. The great bordellos were still flourishing in those days before the sheriff of Paris, a woman, closed them down. It was a different time.”

Only James Lipton could class up a story about pimping by throwing in a word like ‘opprobrium,’ which I actually had to look up…what the fuck are you waiting for? Look it up, asshole. Now that I know about his sordid past, it kind of makes sense. Think of the intense looks and line of questioning he grills actors with on ITAS, you can practically here him say “où est mon argent, putain?”

Can We All Agree That Amanda Bynes’ Twitter Account is a National Treasure?

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After her arrest last week for possession of drugs and attempted murder with a bong, Amanda Bynes had a quiet, uneventful weekend sitting at home on Twitter posting William Faulkner-esque stream-of-consciousness like rants that nobody understands but are supposed to believe are meaningful and important nonetheless, at one point claiming the arresting police officer ‘slapped her vagina.’ Years from now, experts will marvel at her literary genius:

I was sexually harassed by one of the cops the night before last which is who then arrested me. He lied and said I threw a bong out the window when I opened the window for fresh air. Hilarious. He slapped my vagina. Sexual harassment. Big deal. I then called the cops on him. He handcuffed me, which I resisted, quite unlike any of the reports stated. Then I was sent to a mental hospital. Offensive. I kept asking for my lawyer but they wouldn’t let me. The cops were creepy. The cop sexually harassed me, they found no pot on me or bong outside my window. That’s why the judge let me go. 

Amanda then tweeted the reason Chris Brown beat Rihanna was because she was ugly, before realizing that statement might not be well received by most people except maybe certain residents of the South and the Hell’s Angels, and quickly deleted it, but not before Rihanna could reply in a surprisingly lucid manner:

Ya see what happens when they cancel Intervention?

To which Amanda replied:

@rihanna unlike ur fugly faced self I don’t do drugs! U need the intervention dog! I met ur ugly face in person! U aren’t pretty u know it!

Amanda then claimed that those tweets to Rihanna were FAKE, even though they used the phrase ‘ugly face’ which has pretty much become a registered trademark of Amanda Bynes:

I saw a bunch of mocked up tweets about me bashing Rihanna in my mentions. I’m followed by so many people that someone is always mocking up fake tweets so I feel the need to address them! Rihanna and I met and I’m sure we’ll be in a music video together one day! 

And that pretty much brings us up to date on Amanda Bynes. Oh, did I also mention that Amanda plans on becoming a rapper now? Her first single will be “Slap My Vagina.” It practically writes itself.