Can We All Agree That Amanda Bynes’ Twitter Account is a National Treasure?


After her arrest last week for possession of drugs and attempted murder with a bong, Amanda Bynes had a quiet, uneventful weekend sitting at home on Twitter posting William Faulkner-esque stream-of-consciousness like rants that nobody understands but are supposed to believe are meaningful and important nonetheless, at one point claiming the arresting police officer ‘slapped her vagina.’ Years from now, experts will marvel at her literary genius:

I was sexually harassed by one of the cops the night before last which is who then arrested me. He lied and said I threw a bong out the window when I opened the window for fresh air. Hilarious. He slapped my vagina. Sexual harassment. Big deal. I then called the cops on him. He handcuffed me, which I resisted, quite unlike any of the reports stated. Then I was sent to a mental hospital. Offensive. I kept asking for my lawyer but they wouldn’t let me. The cops were creepy. The cop sexually harassed me, they found no pot on me or bong outside my window. That’s why the judge let me go. 

Amanda then tweeted the reason Chris Brown beat Rihanna was because she was ugly, before realizing that statement might not be well received by most people except maybe certain residents of the South and the Hell’s Angels, and quickly deleted it, but not before Rihanna could reply in a surprisingly lucid manner:

Ya see what happens when they cancel Intervention?

To which Amanda replied:

@rihanna unlike ur fugly faced self I don’t do drugs! U need the intervention dog! I met ur ugly face in person! U aren’t pretty u know it!

Amanda then claimed that those tweets to Rihanna were FAKE, even though they used the phrase ‘ugly face’ which has pretty much become a registered trademark of Amanda Bynes:

I saw a bunch of mocked up tweets about me bashing Rihanna in my mentions. I’m followed by so many people that someone is always mocking up fake tweets so I feel the need to address them! Rihanna and I met and I’m sure we’ll be in a music video together one day! 

And that pretty much brings us up to date on Amanda Bynes. Oh, did I also mention that Amanda plans on becoming a rapper now? Her first single will be “Slap My Vagina.” It practically writes itself.

Amanda Bynes Was Arrested Last Night


We’ll I certainly never saw this coming. Amanda Bynes was arrested last night for possession of weed as well as a few other crimes that involve her literally trying to kill somebody with a bong, which now that I think about it, I’m surprised this hasn’t happened before. From TMZ:

According to law enforcement sources … a building official called police after spotting Amanda in the lobby with a joint, acting erratically and talking to herself.  We’re told when cops arrived they knocked at her door and she let them in.  
Our sources say when police saw the bong Amanda quickly tossed it out the window … which fortunately didn’t hit anyone on the street below.
Amanda, who was wearing a platinum blonde wig, was placed under arrest and went ballistic, yelling, “Don’t you know who I am?”
She was booked for criminal possession of pot, as well as reckless endangerment and FELONY tampering with evidence.
Our law enforcement sources say Amanda was briefly taken to a hospital for psychiatric evaluation and then taken to the station for booking.  

Fortunately? Don’t editorialize TMZ. If Amanda had actually hurt a person with that thing, or God forbid killed them, they might be able to put her away for a while. As is, she’s going to be released in a few hours and the first thing she’s going to do is get the death ray she’s been making out of disassembled microwaves and old cell phones over the past year operational. “There’s still a few flaws to be worked out with the concentration levels,” she’ll say, “but I’m confident it’ll be able to light my joint and wipe out a quarter of the population.” *laughs maniacally*