Michael Douglas Says He Got Cancer From Going Down on Catherine Zeta-Jones

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Above: Michael Douglas looking like no one anyone’s wanted to have sex with ever.

In what is sure to be a blow to oral sex enthusiasts everywhere, Michael Douglas told a newspaper that his recent bout of throat cancer was caused by too much dining at the Y. I feel like I’m supposed to say here that Catherine Zeta-Jones is a lucky woman, but I don’t think that’s entirely true

Via The Hollywood Reporter:

When a reporter for U.K.’s The Guardian newspaper asked the Behind the Candelabra star if he attributed his cancer to drinking and smoking throughout his life, Douglas pointed to a different reason.

“No. Because without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus,” he told the newspaper.

So to sum this up, oral sex won’t get you pregnant, but it will give you cancer, aannndd feel free to smoke and drink as much as you want, but the next time someone asks you to go down on them kick em in the genitals and tell them blow jobs kill.