After Earth Might be the Worst Movie on Earth

Who would have thought the American people would finally reject the notion of talentless and entitled celebrity children given plum roles in movies in order to promote their parent’s religious propaganda? After Earth, the new Will/Jaden Smith movie which some speculate is way to push Scientology on the mindless, unassuming American movie-goer, has debuted in North America to dismal numbers. Prepare yourself for some Shadenfreude via The Hollywood Reporter:

For nearly two decades, every summer film starring Will Smith has opened at No. 1, an enviable run (Made in America debuted at No. 2 in 1993).

Heading into the weekend, After Earth was expected to easily outpace Now You See Me with a $35 million to $40 million opening, still one of the lowest numbers for a summer film starring Smith…

Hindered by dismal reviews and a B CinemaScore, After Earth vastly underperformed. The pic will now need to make a strong showing overseas if it has any chance of making up its $130 million budget, plus a major marketing spend.    

The best part is that not only did After Earth get beat by Now You See Me, they both got beat by Fast & Furious 6, which came in at number one. That’s right, a movie franchise which has astoundingly managed to create five other films on the premise of car-racing criminals and stars Vin Diesel and The Rock beat a Will Smith movie. I know my brother would say the line: “Bullshit asshole, no one likes the tuna here,” is one of the best movie lines ever, but that’s bullshit, The Fast & The Furious sucks, Alex!. The fact that they’ve made six of those movies and they’re still popular says something about how absolutely retarded we are as a country, but the fact that it beat After Earth is slightly redeeming. Now we just have to run the Kardashians out of the country and we’ll be on track to living in a utopian society with universal access to depraved, Japanese pornography and user-uploaded videos of kittens.

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