Can We All Agree That Amanda Bynes’ Twitter Account is a National Treasure?

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After her arrest last week for possession of drugs and attempted murder with a bong, Amanda Bynes had a quiet, uneventful weekend sitting at home on Twitter posting William Faulkner-esque stream-of-consciousness like rants that nobody understands but are supposed to believe are meaningful and important nonetheless, at one point claiming the arresting police officer ‘slapped her vagina.’ Years from now, experts will marvel at her literary genius:

I was sexually harassed by one of the cops the night before last which is who then arrested me. He lied and said I threw a bong out the window when I opened the window for fresh air. Hilarious. He slapped my vagina. Sexual harassment. Big deal. I then called the cops on him. He handcuffed me, which I resisted, quite unlike any of the reports stated. Then I was sent to a mental hospital. Offensive. I kept asking for my lawyer but they wouldn’t let me. The cops were creepy. The cop sexually harassed me, they found no pot on me or bong outside my window. That’s why the judge let me go. 

Amanda then tweeted the reason Chris Brown beat Rihanna was because she was ugly, before realizing that statement might not be well received by most people except maybe certain residents of the South and the Hell’s Angels, and quickly deleted it, but not before Rihanna could reply in a surprisingly lucid manner:

Ya see what happens when they cancel Intervention?

To which Amanda replied:

@rihanna unlike ur fugly faced self I don’t do drugs! U need the intervention dog! I met ur ugly face in person! U aren’t pretty u know it!

Amanda then claimed that those tweets to Rihanna were FAKE, even though they used the phrase ‘ugly face’ which has pretty much become a registered trademark of Amanda Bynes:

I saw a bunch of mocked up tweets about me bashing Rihanna in my mentions. I’m followed by so many people that someone is always mocking up fake tweets so I feel the need to address them! Rihanna and I met and I’m sure we’ll be in a music video together one day! 

And that pretty much brings us up to date on Amanda Bynes. Oh, did I also mention that Amanda plans on becoming a rapper now? Her first single will be “Slap My Vagina.” It practically writes itself.

Amanda Bynes Business as Usual

Conflicting reports suggest that the police may have been called to Amanda Bynes NYC home after she made suicide threats to her/a publicist. It’s nice to see those kinds of things are still taken seriously. These days, when I stick my head in the oven my husband asks if that’s really what we’re having for dinner. I’ll do it this time I swear!

Amanda got into a twitter fight and then quickly made up with Jenny McCarthy after she repeated via Twitter that the police had been called to Amanda’s home. The original tweet came from Jonathan Jaxson, a self-described “Publicist/Manager/Marketing/Consulting/God Fearing/Realtor” who has been helping Amanda with her public image. Are you still following all this? Then you’re stupid.

Jonathan Jaxson told Radar Online:

“Amanda had called me and we had a private conversation, but it was clear to me that she was high on drugs.

Then, she said that she didn’t want to live anymore. I took that as that she wanted to kill herself. I freaked out.”

Jaxson said he immediately called the New York Police Department and tweeted at their handle that the 27-year-old ex-Nickelodeon star was “soooo messed up on drugs”, knowing that officers would then perform a welfare check.

Police have not said if they attended Bynes’ apartment, but Jaxson told RadarOnline.com he later received a call from an officer explaining that Bynes “was fine”.

All this does is prove to me that Twitter really is the playground for our most idiotic members of society, at least it keeps them off the streets. Did this guy really tweet to the NYPD to go help Amanda? Did he do that right after sending out a picture of his Kung Pao Chicken he was about to eat? But what I find most unbelievable about all of this is that Amanda Bynes has a publicist. What has this guy been doing as his client self-implodes on Twitter while wandering the streets of New York talking to the parking meters? She would be better off hiring the person representing Dzhokhar Tsarnaev.

Amanda Bynes is Crazy Because She Smokes Weed. Hahahahahahaha!

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Since 90% of the people using the internet are currently smoking a joint while watching increasingly depraved porn in a desperate attempt to get off, we can all have a good laugh at Radar Online’s assertion that the ‘secret’ reason Amanda Bynes is wack-a-doodle crazy is because she smokes marijuana.

The ex-Nickelodeon star “has used marijuana as a recreational user for several years,” a source close to the troubled actress revealed.

“Amanda’s increasingly disturbing behavior is related to the fact that she smokes pot.

“It makes her more paranoid and instead of mellowing her out, it does the opposite. Amanda begins talking faster and just can’t seem to sit still.”

It’s been pretty well documented that Amanda smokes the wacky-tobacky, so it’s really not a secret, and unless she’s lacing her bong loads with PCP, I have a hard time believing that when Amanda tweeted the above ‘flattering’ picture she was only stoned. It would take a hell of lot more than the good shit to convince someone that’s an attractive picture of a duck, let alone a female human being.