I didn’t write about this sooner because I didn’t want to believe it was true that Jason Segel and Michelle Williams split up. I know most of the time I’m a hateful, misanthropic shrew, but I really like these two together, even though now that I think about it, a guy who plays with puppets and does full frontal probably shouldn’t be around kids.
US Weekly reports the two split because the long-distance thing wasn’t working, he’s based in LA and she’s in New York. I believe it, I bet it’s pretty hard to put your dick in someone from across the continent, unless you’re Don Johnson.
Hahahahahaha! No. It’s a well-documented fact January Jones is a frigid harpy who has no qualms about hooking up with married directors, and sometimes even having their babies. (Surprise, I poked holes in the condom!)
So when Radar Online via Star reported that Miley Cyrus’ fiancée, Liam Hemsworth, cheated on her with January Jones at an Oscar’s pre-party I have a hard time buying it. Why would a bronzed, Australian God like Liam Hemsworth make out with a busted, 35-year-old with a baby when he has 20-year-old Miley Cyrus?
Let’s examine the facts here. January Jones looks like this. Also, her vadge is a frozen tundra of contempt. Miley, on the other hand, looks like the slut at a Motörhead concert who will let you bang her bareback in a bathroom stall if you buy her a Coors Light, and I mean that in a good way.
If Liam Hemsworth really did hook up with January, it’s because he’s really gay and he thought he was hooking up with Joe Simpson.
Because Jessica Simpson’s fashion line is worth a billion dollars and Vanessa Minnillo spent all her Wipeout money on spray tan, Nick Lachey has taken to the public domain and recorded some lullabies so that his new son, Camry, which they named hoping to get an endorsement deal from Toyota, might be able to enjoy the smooth ride and subdued luxury of an actual Toyota Camry one day.
The album “A Father’s Lullaby,” features 12 songs including “You are My Sunshine,” and Brahm’s Lullaby, which, I would like to point out, doesn’t have any fucking words. So he just threw that shit in there to fill up space.
If you would like to hear Nick singing while choking back sobs because the figurative and literative cash cow, Jessica Simpson, left him with nothing and now he’s hawking children’s songs, you can purchase the album on i-tunes beginning March 13.
Carrie Fisher has checked herself into a medical facility to seek treatment for bi-polar disorder following a bizarre performance on board a cruise ship in the Caribbean last week.To be fair, after playing Princess Leia in the most awesome movies in the history of awesomeness, your life can only go downhill, unless you’re Harrison Ford.
So behold, Carrie’s performance on board the Holland America Eurodam, barefoot and picking up dog crap, while singing on a stage that has what appears to be Dom Deluise sitting on a couch that once belonged to the Chi Sigma Pi house at San Diego State.
Carrie’s rep insist the actress wasn’t drunk, and that the cause of the disturbing behavior is mental illness, which is stupid because last I checked it’s much more socially acceptable to make a fool of yourself because you’re drunk then it is to be totally bat-shit crazy.
Britney Spears would give anything to go back and say the reason she shaved her head and went Penguin-Style on that car was because she had a few too many shots of Pappa Spears’ homemade moonshine. Everybody forgives and forgets when you do something stupid or disgusting while you’re drunk because they’ve probably done something worse. Like taking a dump next to the speaker at the McDonald’s drive-thru because they wouldn’t let you in to use the bathroom and then using leaves to wipe because you didn’t have any toilet paper. Those underwear had to be thrown away.
Because they realized they have better things to do, like run a government, the Senate Intelligence Committee, which surely, must be a misnomer, announced they are dropping their investigation in the film Zero Dark Thirty. From the Hollywood Reporter:
Sens. Dianne Feinstein,D-Calif., John McCain, R-Ariz., and Carl Levin,D-Mich., launched an investigation into Bigelow and Boal’s connection with the CIA, and whether the agency had told them that torture had led to useful terrorist-hunting leads. The film’s depiction of torture as part of the CIA’s approach to obtaining intelligence needed to catch the terrorist drew further scrutiny.
…Even before the film hit theatres, senators raised questions about whether director Kathryn Bigelowand screenwriter Mark Boal had obtained from the CIA information about the wild hunt across the Middle East. Now, Reuters reports that the committee has decided to close its investigation into the film, which lost in the best picture, best original screenplay and best actress categories Sunday night.
I don’t normally like to delve into politics mostly because everyone is old and unattractive and the chances of someone flashing their junk is slim to nil, but this shit is completely stupid. Do you really need inside CIA information to know that torturing a person might lead to useful information? I swear to God, if you put Whip My Hair Back and Forth on auto-repeat and forced me to listen I would rat out my own mother’s pot-growing operation (Hi Mom!) within the first 12 seconds.
Sources, and by sources I mean the retards at Entertainment Tonight, have been claiming that Janet Jackson was planning a wedding to her 37-year-old boyfriend, Qatari billionaire Wissam Al Mana. I don’t know anything about this guy but I don’t think he’s Muslim, because they can’t drink or eat pork, and I’m pretty sure you would have to do both of those to be married to Janet Jackson.
So to quell these rumors, Janet finally admitted that there’s not going to be a wedding. Because they already got married last year.This is the third time Janet Jackson has gotten married without anyone knowing; not even the guys she married. (Kardashian family, take note.)
Janet’s secret wedding raises all kinds of questions, such as why a billionaire in his thirties is remotely interested in the 46-year old, black version of the skeleton that played Norman Bate’s mother. And where the fuck we’re all the single desperate billionaires when I was single? Also, why do my ears plug up sometimes when I run?
The only thing that could have made me feel better after watching Anne Hathaway get her stupid Oscar that she’s been bitching about for months would have been if she tripped and fell off the stage, impaling herself on the coveted statue. Now that’s irony!
Instead Jennifer Lawrence tripped while accepting her award for Best Actress, but it was okay because if anyone could pull off falling at the Academy Awards it’s Jennifer Lawrence, she’s just that charming.
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