Courtney Love is a Beautiful, Delicate Flower

Like the Neelakurinji flower that appears briefly every 12 years to share its fragrant blooms and then disappear back into the dirt, Courtney Love has pulled the needle out of her arm, and crawled out of the gutter she’s been tweeting from to film an e-cigarette commercial for NJOY Kings electronic cigarettes. This commercial has everything you could expect from a professional like Courtney, dim lighting, the F-word and Courtney Love herself, showing us in the flesh what Courtney Stodden will look like in 30 years, provided Doug doesn’t kill her in a murder-suicide when she refuses to change his colostomy bag. Enjoy!

Beyonce Covers Amy Winehouse, I’m Sure She Won’t Mind

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Amy Winehouse may have looked like Skeletor in drag after a two-week meth binge, but there’s no denying she was a talented singer and songwriter. And while it hasn’t even been two years since she was buried, exhumed, and reburied again, Beyonce feels it’s appropriate to cover a new rendition of ‘Back to Black’ for The Great Gatsby soundtrack. Because who writes their own songs when you can pay someone to write them for you or steal them from the recently deceased?

. A source for Beyonce’s record company assured E! news that it would be a “very different take” on the song. So I’m guessing they must have added some tambourine.

Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum Khloe Pilfers Gold From Cancer Charity

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Despite making millions of dollars from endorsements, clothing lines, make-up lines and a reality show that for some mind-boggling reason people still watch, members of the Kardashian Klan still find it necessary to steal from charity. Come to think of it, this doesn’t surprise me at all. Radar:

ESPN conducted its “Outside The Lines” investigation of more than a hundred charities attached to top athletes, including (LaMar) Odom… eight years of tax records revealed that his charity, Cathy’s Kids – named in honor his late mother who died of stomach cancer – has not given any money to cancer-related causes since its creation in 2004, despite raising a whopping $2.2 million.

In addition, the investigation says it found the charity primarily existed to finance two elite youth basketball travel teams. Of the $2.2 million raised by the charity, ESPN reports that at least 60 percent — $1.3 million — went to those AAU teams.

Shockingly, the charity paid only one executive — Jerry DeGregorio, Odon’s high school coach and best man in his wedding to Kardashian, says the report…(DeGregorio) was secretary of Cathy’s Kids from 2004 through 2011, for which he was paid a median annual salary of about $72,000, while the charity operated at a loss since its creation.

Why don’t they be honest and say the money is going to support the medical oddity that is Khloe Kardashian?

She’s been selling her used underwear on Ebay for some time now under the auspices that the proceeds are going to charity, of course when you read the fine print it’s only about 5% of the actual sale price. What they’re not telling you is that Khloe needs the $4 she gets from the sale of her ‘ladies’ underwear with the extra fabric in front for her hormone replacement drugs. Shit ain’t cheap.

In Honor of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ

Courtney Stodden is a devout, God-fearing Christian, so she celebrated Easter by donning her most demure, church-appropriate outfit to quietly reflect on the sacrifice Jesus Christ made so that she might be forgiven for her sins and to celebrate his resurrection. No, actually she put on some bunny ears and a fuzzy brand bounced around for everyone on Youtube. What’s Jesus care anyways, he’s dead.

Dear God.

As if Lindsay Lohan needed to give everyone a reason to talk about her, she tweeted early this morning that she’s pregnant.

Of course, everyone’s assuming this is an April Fool’s Joke because we all just assumed her uterus is a caustic, uninhabitable wasteland. If she even still has one. It might have slipped out on to the floor and escaped one night while she was sitting under a table in a club with her legs open. Those little critters will do that if you don’t treat them right!

But Lindsay sent the tweet one hour after April 1st, so maybe she’s telling the truth. For someone who can’t even remember to not steal things for 10 hours, I imagine it’s pretty difficult to stay up on birth control. Plus, you have to be conscious when you’re having sex with strangers to tell them to pull out. I know, it’s hard.

If my estimations are correct this baby will be one-sixth Lindsay, and one-sixth of every member of The Wanted.

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Justin Bieber’s Monkey Was Confiscated By the Germans. You Read That Right.

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Last week record producer Mally Mal gave Justin Bieber a capuchin monkey, because what better gift to give a reckless, irresponsible teenager than a wild animal that has the potential to rip off your face. Now that I think about it, I’m beginning to like this monkey!

But alas, the relationship was short-lived. TMZ is reporting that the monkey was confiscated by customs officials at the Munich airport for not having the required paperwork and is being held in quarantine. Damn those pesky laws intended to inhibit the spread of infectious diseases! No word yet if lil’ Beaver plans on getting the monkey back, but I’m pretty sure it’s already learned from Justin how to bite and scratch its way out of anything.

Lindsay Will Only Go to Rehab if She Can Still Do Drugs

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Back in March, Lindsay Lohan agreed to a plea bargain that included rehab rather than go to jail, and despite having been to rehab several times in the past, Lindsay still hasn’t quite grasped the full meaning of the word.

 According to TMZ, Lindsay refuses to go to a treatment facility unless she’s allowed to continue taking Adderal, a drug that contains amphetamines, to treat her ADHD, although several doctors have expressed their doubts about her suffering from the disorder.

So what Lindsay is saying is “I’ll go to your shitty rehab, but only if I can steal toilet paper, leave whenever I want to and continue to do drugs.”