Monthly Archives: January 2013

Brangelina Has LAPD on Speed Dial

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One time I had to call the police because my house got broken into and it took them three hours to show up. Three hours!  It gave me just enough time to hide the bong and Febreze the shit out of the place. But if you’re Brangelina and have enough kids to form a United Nations’ council for overexposed children you’ve got the cops on speed dial and they’re fuckin’ prompt.

On Friday night someone accidentally hit the panic button at the Jolie-Pitt home, (my guess is Vivienne, you can just tell that ugly little crumb-gobbler is up to no good,) and LAPD responded like it was a black man inconspicuously walking down the street, swarming the place with squad cars and a helicopter.

Those two must have made a hell of a donation to the police foundation. Note: if you dial 911 and hang up, you’ll get a call back asking if you’re okay, If you’re Brangelina and you press a button, you’ll get a helicopter. Now that’s fucking service.

Image: Georges Biard [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Justin Bieber – Blaze of Glory

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ImageThe photographer killed last week trying to photograph Canada’s version of Rick Astley (gotcha!) swore up and down that he saw Justin Bieber smoking weed in his car.  The Beaver’s reps denied this was true, but TMZ posted photos today of Justin bogarting a blunt at a hotel room in Newport Beach; so at least that paparazzo didn’t die in vain.

I don’t have rights to the photo so I can’t post it, but he’s holding that thing like it’s a Virginia Slim! Puff n’ pass Justin. Puff n’ pass! That shit’ll get you killed in some circles.

Image:Adam Sundana [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Pamela Anderson Will do Anything For a Buck… Anything

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ImageWe don’t hear a whole lot about Pamela Anderson these days, mostly because it’s not 1994, and we have younger, hotter messes to worry about.  But there’s another reason too.  Pam’s been hanging out across the pond, that’s teabag speak for the Atlantic Ocean, where she’s been doing club openings and theater in the UK, as well as Dancing on Ice; the British version of Dancing With the Stars, but with ice skates, and on ice.

Why? Because bitch is broke, that’s why. According  to the Mirror, Pam owes so much in back taxes and renovation costs on her home she’s been doing club appearances for £15,000. I don’t how much money that is in dollars; I write a shitty blog, I’m not an accountant.

And even though the venues aren’t as glamorous as say, Tommy Lee’s opium den, Pam is still bringing the diva attitude. From the Mirror:

“She doesn’t like photos unless they’re taken with a ring flash – a flattering photographic device to soften the subject’s features and create a halo effect.

In fact, such is her hatred of the humble mobile phone photo that her people instruct club owners to try to ban people from wielding them near her.

A HARD task, you’d imagine, when faced with hundreds of boozed-up revellers clamouring for her ­attention in a confined space.

‘Pamela is very clear what she does and doesn’t want. Her image is very important to her and unflattering photos with wrong cameras are a big no-no,’ says a friend.”

Christ Pam, those people are drunk, not blind. The only thing that could be done to make you look better in a picture is to leave the lens cap on.

Image:By Boeing978 (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Don Johnson Checked Out Dennis Johnson’s Johnson

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I have no idea what really goes down inside of a men’s locker room. I always assumed it’s a lot like the women’s locker room –  a lot of sudsy breasts, ass-pinching and period talk.  But  thanks to Don Johnson, I’ve learned the truth: A bunch of guys staring at each other’s junk, making comparisons and dishing out compliments, with the occasional sword fight. 

The Django Unchained star tells Page 6:

“Look, I’ve seen guys with a lot bigger [penises] than me. One time, I was in the Celtics locker room talking to Larry Bird and Kevin McHale . . . and there’s Dennis Johnson coming out of the showers and, dude, that’s who put the Johnson in Johnson. I mean, it must have shown on my face, because when I turned back to Larry, he looked at me and said, ‘I know, huh?’ and I was like, ‘Dude, that’s a weapon.’ ”

Whoa there Don, save the rest for Penthouse Letters, I think I know where this is going.  

Image:By Alan Light [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Honey Boo Boo’s Mom is Scared of Mayonnaise

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ImageIf I had  to take a wild guess about what June Shannon, AKA ‘Mama June,’ mother of future diabetes-related-double-amputee, Honey Boo Boo, is afraid of, I would probably go with treadmills, vegetables, pants that don’t have an elastic waist or maybe longevity.

What I would never guess in a million years is that a woman who could lose a 16-pound turkey in the folds of her chin is afraid of mayonnaise. But in this video posted on Radar Big Mama June explains what went terribly wrong with her life.

“When I was growing up and the baby sitter I had, we ate mayonnaise sandwiches for breakfast, lunch and dinner!”

Of course, she explains that she still eats potato salad, tuna salad and other mayonnaise-based food items. She just doesn’t like to look at plain mayonnaise. Good, because that would have blown all my hypotheses about fat people out of the water.

Image:By Vijverln (Own work) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

If You’re Upset Rihanna Isn’t a Good Role Model, Please Don’t Have Children

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It always surprises me when people get pissed off at a celebrity for doing something  they find morally unacceptable.  It’s like they’re too busy with their own lives to teach their ugly children right from wrong so they expect T.V. and the internet to do it for them.

Case in point, some of Rihanna’s Twitter followers got  upset at her posting pictures of herself smoking a joint (above,) and of a bud of herbacious (below)  with the caption: “This nug look like a skull or am I just….?”

BTW, that’s some real stoner shit right there.

Anyways, some people thought posting pictures of drugs, might give young people the wrong idea. Like this fan, who wrote: “So sad a lot of young kids really look up to you :( “

That sad face really hit home. Or this person who wrote: “Wow wat a good influence you are on young girls….not!”

Harsh, I know. Think of all those young girls hoping to one day have a crack pipe punched out of their mouths by their abusive boyfriend. They’ll be so disappointed.

Look, celebrities aren’t famous because they’re particularly smart, or make good choices; they’re famous because they’re marginally talented, better looking than you or I, and usually have a family member who can open some doors for them.  They’re here to entertain us, be ridiculed and have their private lives become fodder for tabloid magazines, late night T.V. and poorly written blogs like The Vadge. If you didn’t figure out Rihanna was a bad role model after she unapologetically hooked up with Chris Brown again, you’re as stoned out of your mind as she is.

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Leonardo DiCaprio Throws a Bone to Jonah Hill

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Imagine closing your eyes and thinking your going to make out with the bloated face of Leonardo DiCaprio, only to open them and find  yourself making out with the bloated face of Jonah Hill.

If your a ’10’ and you’ve been in Sydney or Las Vegas this week, that might be the situation you find yourself in. Just a heads up. Jonah’s been bottom-feeding on Leo’s discard.  Don’t get me wrong, I would totally make it with Leo, not because I find him particularly attractive, but because he’s a really good actor, especially when he played that retarded guy, very convincing.

Image:By Siebbi (Leonardo DiCaprio) [CC-BY-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons