Monthly Archives: December 2012

Lindsay Lohan’s Too Good to Kiss Charlie Sheen

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Lindsay Lohan gained a small crumb of respectability when TMZ reported that the blackened, cigarette indent on her cadaver-plumped lip refused to touch the blackened, crack-pipe indent on Charlie Sheen’s papery, dry, bloodless lips during the filming of their cameo on Scary Movie 5.

According to TMZ Lindsay was supposed to kiss Charlie three times during their “Scary Movie” bedroom scene, but she ultimately refused to do it, and they both had to sign a release saying they didn’t have cold sores. (hahahahahahahahahaha!)

The source says they’re not sure what the cause of Lindsay’s paranoia is (bath salts, perhaps?) but it might have to do with Charlie’s sordid past. And even though Lindsay has locked lips with Samantha Ronson’s butthole, she somehow draws the line at Charlie Sheen’s mouth. Charlie Sheen is a professional though, because he wasn’t even bothered by Lindsay’s rejection of his maw. Besides, when it comes to the camera, Lindsay likes to get all hoighty-toighty and act like there’s things she won’t do for a bump of coke. I’ll wager that he still managed to wrangle a rim job out of her back in his trailer because he sent her that $100,000.

Image: By Toglenn Uploaded by MyCanon [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)

Douche of the Week

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I was going to let LeAnn Rimes slide for her warbled yodeling rendition of ‘How do I Live” on the X-Factor, she only ruined a little girls life, but that’s okay, I don’t really like kids anyway. She could have just shut up about it, but in order to save what little reputation she has left she’s attempting some damage control and blaming the embarrassingly bad performance on the girl she was there to help, 13-year-old Carly Rose Sonenclar.

From TMZ: (LeAnn’s) rep gave us a quote that we were told we could put on TMZ.com and attribute to LeAnn Rimes. We were told LeAnn was NOT impaired and if there was any awkwardness it was only because “I was trying to help this 13-year-old girl who was having some trouble with the song.”

Now LeAnn is on Twitter saying this quote was not attributed to her, tweeting  “It’s a shame that gossip and lies are overshadowing the performance of Carly.”

Way to deflect LeAnn, try to get everyone to forget about that shit you took on a little girl’s head, by saying that shit you took on her head is overshadowing her.

I don’t know if LeAnn was drunk or not, maybe she was just out of breath from squeezing her butt cheeks together really hard to keep from pooping her pants.  What I do know is this:  Carly Rose spent the last several months practicing daily and working on her chops for this performance. LeAnn has spent the last several years smoking cigarettes, stealing husbands, losing weight, filing vexatious lawsuits and harrassing people on Twitter.  I think we all know who carried who through that performance. Hint: It wasn’t LeAnn.  And for that LeAnn Rimes is The Douche of the Week!

The Daily Discharge

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This isn’t going to help quell those laxative-abusing drunk rumors, LeAnn. Dlisted

End of times? A Honey Boo Boo porn would indicate ‘yes.’ thesuperficial

Poo-filled sock attacks are on the rise. Huffingtonpost

It’s cruel what Justin Bieber did to that hamster. TMZ

Holly Madison’s baby is destined for great things, like a reality show on E! IDLYITW

Image:By Michael R. Holzworth, U.S. Air Force [Public domain]

Snooki Explains Chlamydia to Baby Lorenzo

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512px-Snooki_at_Seaside_Heights_NJThe series finale of the Jersey Shore airs this Thursday, and Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi has already figured out how she’s going to explain her past life as a cum dumpster to her newborn son, Lorenzo.  She tells People:

“I was 21 years old and I did what everybody else did, but it was just on camera. [I’ll tell him], ‘Learn from my mistakes and once you go through them, you’re going to know how to deal with them.’ “

I don’t remember drinking a bottle of vodka with my vadge when I was 21, but I guess no one does. Preach on, Snooki!

Polizzi, who plans to have “the talk” with her son sometime between ages 13-15, just wants to tell him, “This is what happens when you’re 21. You’re going to go through this. Just be careful.”

Could you imagine if Snooki was your mom and she sat you down on her plastic-covered couch and tried to explain sex to you? I picture a 40-year-old Snooki with a Newport in one hand and a scotch on the rocks in the other.

“Now Enzo, when two people really  like each other, or you know, when they’ve dropped some ecstasy, or hell, when they’ve just had too many cocktails, their special parts start to tingle and they decide to smoosh.  But don’t just smoosh with anybody and use protection.”

Enzo, of course, will just sit there staring blankly and drooling because he’s suffering  the ill-effects of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

If you’re sad about the end of this era in American pop culture, don’t worry,  MTV has already found a new group of young degenerates to celebrate alcohol poisoning and venereal disease.

Image:By Aaron [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Six Degrees of Kardashian

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Bruce_JennerEveryone knows the Kardashian women are a bunch of hairy, selfish chaunches, but I always saw Bruce Jenner as a kind of sweet grandma who gets pushed around by her ungrateful family because she’s afraid they’ll put her in a home if she speaks up.

I guess I was wrong, because he’s a fame whore too, and he’s managed to make a personal connection to the Newtown shooting and make it about himself because *brace yourselves* Bruce went to Newtown high, 40 years ago; and he’s sad and angry and upset about what happened.  And he wanted E! News and everyone else to know.  Later on I’ll be writing an in-depth economic review of the European debt crisis because I went there once.

Image:By jla0379 [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Courtney Stodden is Naked, Wants You to Notice

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America’s favorite human sex-trafficking victim, Courtney Stodden, must have gotten into Doug’s wine coolers and popped a few extra Adderall because she became a little attention-hungry. So she did what every red-blooded, barely legal American girl does, and took some sexy holiday photos and sent them to the good people at Eonline, because those cock-suckers will publish anything, and apparently, so will I. Full link here.

Image: Twitter @courtneystodden

Rihanna is Stupid, Filthy Rich

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Let’s face it, Rihanna’s taken quite a few blows to the head.  That’s why she’s always posting pictures on Twitter like the one above of her ‘lonely’ bed aboard her private jet, alluding  that she and Chris Brown are no longer an item and she’s single now.  I’m guessing this is a cry for attention and help, but then she goes and tweets this picture of her new Porshe. Oh, and did I mention she’s about to purchase a $12 million mansion in L.A.?  I’ll pause so you can slam your head against the wall a few times.

I don’t care what they try to teach you in school, being stupid really does pay, but only if you’re hot and you dress like a slut.

Image: Twitter/Instagram – @badgalriri