Snooki Explains Chlamydia to Baby Lorenzo

512px-Snooki_at_Seaside_Heights_NJThe series finale of the Jersey Shore airs this Thursday, and Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi has already figured out how she’s going to explain her past life as a cum dumpster to her newborn son, Lorenzo.  She tells People:

“I was 21 years old and I did what everybody else did, but it was just on camera. [I’ll tell him], ‘Learn from my mistakes and once you go through them, you’re going to know how to deal with them.’ “

I don’t remember drinking a bottle of vodka with my vadge when I was 21, but I guess no one does. Preach on, Snooki!

Polizzi, who plans to have “the talk” with her son sometime between ages 13-15, just wants to tell him, “This is what happens when you’re 21. You’re going to go through this. Just be careful.”

Could you imagine if Snooki was your mom and she sat you down on her plastic-covered couch and tried to explain sex to you? I picture a 40-year-old Snooki with a Newport in one hand and a scotch on the rocks in the other.

“Now Enzo, when two people really  like each other, or you know, when they’ve dropped some ecstasy, or hell, when they’ve just had too many cocktails, their special parts start to tingle and they decide to smoosh.  But don’t just smoosh with anybody and use protection.”

Enzo, of course, will just sit there staring blankly and drooling because he’s suffering  the ill-effects of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

If you’re sad about the end of this era in American pop culture, don’t worry,  MTV has already found a new group of young degenerates to celebrate alcohol poisoning and venereal disease.

Image:By Aaron [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (, via Wikimedia Commons

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