Monthly Archives: November 2012

Lindsay Lohan Showed Up to the Liz & Dick Premiere

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Channels Real Liz Taylor Circa 2011

  The Beverley Hills premiere of the Lifetime Original Movie Liz and Dick was last night and you can bet Lindsay Lohan pulled all the stops for her comeback red carpet walk.

And when I say ‘all the stops,’ I mean she did her best to look like a bloated, 45-year-old alcoholic.

Donning a cheap-looking taffeta gown, Lindsay recalled old Hollywood glamour while highlighting her FUPA and flat ass.  Her bad extensions and bright red lipstick almost drew attention away from the fact that Lindsay can’t afford a manicure, but not quite!

Mila Kunis Lowers Standard, Hooks Up With Ashton Kutcher

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Demi Moore reacts with plastic surgery binge

   Ashton Kutcher is one of those people that you hate because despite being a gigantic douchebag and a marginally talented actor he seems to catch the luckiest breaks.

Case in point, after not appearing in anything except a few crappy movies for almost six years he lands the role of Walden Schmidt on Two and a Half Men, and becomes the highest paid actor on T.V. And now, new photos have surfaced of him hooking up with his former That 70’s Show co-star, Mila Kunis, in Rome. She’s there filming The Third Person, he’s just there for some reason. She’s funny, talented and beautiful. He’s a douche.

Don’t you people see?  This man is a one-trick-pony!  The only roles he plays are of a bumbling idiot who likes to get high. Which is what he is in real life! Plus, I really hate those stupid Nikon commercials. If it weren’t for his chiseled face, and his smoky…dreamy…eyes. What was I saying?

Paris Hilton Offends Muslims, Everyone

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Where’s a Fatwa When You Need One?

   Paris Hilton has opened up her 42nd Handbag and Accessories store. Where, you ask? Why, in the Muslim holy city of Mecca, where else?

You may not have known that Paris has a chain of handbag and accessory stores, that’s because apparently she’s been run out of the U.S. and Western Europe. That’s right, You won’t find a store in Milan or New York, but you can find Paris’ lovely line of cheap and gaudy handbags at such exotics place as Bangalore, India; North Coast, Egypt; and everyone’s favorite vacation hot-spot: Damascus, Syria! Don’t forget to pack your sense of civil unrest!

Surprisingly, many Muslims are upset that a tawdry, American porn-star would open a store in their holiest of cities, and they took to Twitter to launch their complaints.

Frankly, I’m a little disappointed, where’s the fanatical extremists I hear so much about in the news?  Shouldn’t they be burning her in effigy and parading her head around on a pike? (See artist’s depiction above.)

The AMA’s Celebrating Underachievement Since 1973

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Inside the 9th Circle

 The American Music Awards were Sunday night, and I thought I would take a hit for my readers and watch so I could report back.  Then I realized this shit was on ABC and fucking awful, so I didn’t really pay attention. ABC is the Family Channel, and if there’s one thing The Vadge hates it’s families.
Anyway here’s the breakdown that I gathered from flipping back during commercials of Sister Wives:  Justin Bieber looked like a little bitch that couldn’t get a date so he brought his mom. Take that Selena!
Christina Aguilera was huge! As in holy shit, she’s gained a lot of weight. She looked like Cindi Lauper’s bloated corpse.
Nicki Minaj was surprisingly less incoherent than I expected her to be.
Pink pretended to get the crap beat out of her, and Ke$ha sang her ‘hit’ Die Young. If only, you two, if only.
Other than that it looked like there was a lot of polite clapping and some awards were presented, it was hard to tell because I had it on mute most of the time.

Image:PR Photos

Kim Kardashian to Broker Israeli-Palestinian Peace Deal

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Gives up after realizing they’re countries,
not a couple.

 Kim Kardashian took to her Twitter account today to do her part to bring peace to the troubled Middle East. She quickly realized that she lacked the conviction and critical thinking skills to make a definitive statement about shoes, let alone complicated world affairs and promptly took them down.

Kim’s first tweet read, “Praying for everyone in Israel.”

Realizing such a decisive statement might affect her fan base she added “Praying for everyone in Palestine and across the world!”

Later Kim apologized for both tweets. “My lawyer’s Israeli, and Palestinian kind of sounds like Armenian,” Kim explained. “Just to be safe, I decided it was easier to not have an opinion.”

Image:By Luke Ford [CC-BY-SA-2.5 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons 

Miley Cyrus Gets a Restraining Order

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All media outlets barred from ever playing ‘Party in the USA’ again.

 Miley Cyrus was granted a restraining order against the man who tried to break into her home holding a pair of scissors back in September. The intruder, Jason Luis Rivera is scheduled to be released in June due to overcrowding.

 In that guy’s defense, he probably couldn’t have done anything worse to her with those scissors than whoever cut her hair has already done.

Image: Twitter

Taylor Swift is Desperate, Still Dates High-School Students

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Taylor Swift has pretty much dated every pair of numb-nuts in Hollywood, from Joe Jones to Zac Efron.  And they all seem to dump her in a few months, likely because she’s even more clingy and annoying in real life than in her interviews.

So as of late she’s moved to less-famous men and has been dating Conor Kennedy, whose still in high school.  Then they broke up, but now the Huffington Postsays they’re still secretly seeing each other, and the Kennedy family is terrified the couple might elope. Probably because they don’t want to eat her stale pumpkin cookies at their family reunions for the next 20 years.

I can’t help but think there’s a reason a wildly-successful, 22-year-old would be interested in a high school senior… Wait a minute…her latest album is ‘Red,’ she’s dating a Kennedy…OH MY GOD! Taylor Swift IS GOING TO RUN FOR The REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL NOMINATION IN 2016! Nooooooooooo!!!!! We cannot let this happen.*

*The Vadge does not endorse or advocate any form of violence against a celebrity, but if you wanna do it without my endorsement, that’s fine.

Image: By Keith HInkle (Taylor Swift, being interviewed) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons