Paris Hilton Returned From Obscurity to Remind Us Why We Hate Her

Paris Hilton tweeted this picture of herself posing in front of the camera while her boyfriend, model River Viiieri gets carted off by an ambulance. Paris has been keeping a low profile lately, probably because she realized the entire Western Hemisphere thinks she’s an insufferable cunt.

I swear, the best thing to come out of Michael Jackson’s untimely death was that his daughter, Paris Jackson, was catapulted into national fame and pretty much dealt the death blow to whatever relevancy Paris Hilton has left in the U.S.

There’s only room in America for one celebrity with a weird name that’s also a French city, and we all prefer the one that’s kept a scarf over her face for the majority of her life. That goes for you too Lourdes whatever-the-fuck-Madonna’s-last-name-is, stay out!

Paris Hilton Offends Muslims, Everyone

Where’s a Fatwa When You Need One?

   Paris Hilton has opened up her 42nd Handbag and Accessories store. Where, you ask? Why, in the Muslim holy city of Mecca, where else?

You may not have known that Paris has a chain of handbag and accessory stores, that’s because apparently she’s been run out of the U.S. and Western Europe. That’s right, You won’t find a store in Milan or New York, but you can find Paris’ lovely line of cheap and gaudy handbags at such exotics place as Bangalore, India; North Coast, Egypt; and everyone’s favorite vacation hot-spot: Damascus, Syria! Don’t forget to pack your sense of civil unrest!

Surprisingly, many Muslims are upset that a tawdry, American porn-star would open a store in their holiest of cities, and they took to Twitter to launch their complaints.

Frankly, I’m a little disappointed, where’s the fanatical extremists I hear so much about in the news?  Shouldn’t they be burning her in effigy and parading her head around on a pike? (See artist’s depiction above.)