Blog Archives

Kim Kardashian:Fashion Victim

Aside

Kim Kardashian did a fashion spread for the March issue of  Elle magazine, and if Kim Kardashian doesn’t conjure up images of high fashion for you it’s because squat, troll-like women have no place in the fashion world. And I’m not the only one who thinks that. Stylist Nicola Formichetti claimed no designers would lend Kim clothes to use for the shoot in what he called ‘fashion snobbery.’

I wouldn’t exactly call that snobbery, I would call that ‘Not wanting to get your expensive clothes back smelling like a New England clam bake.’  Not to mention Kim has the body shape of a Clydesdale, so good luck finding those Gucci pants with a ‘generous helping of fabric’ around the ass so that Kim can spend thirty minutes getting into them and then demand that she only be photographed facing dead front.

Besides I’m pretty sure Kim has a line of clothing. It’s called the Kardashian Kollection. And it’s sold exclusively at Sears, where the three money-hungry ilk and their ogre manager have managed to create a clothing line that  looks cheaper and trashier than Miley Cyrus’ collection for Walmart while charging 5 times as much. Don’t forget to check out their kollection of soap dishes and shower curtains too!

Fun fact: A few weeks ago at the thrift store I found a Kardashian Kollection red, nylon jumpsuit with the original price tag still attached. Bitches wanted $80! It looked cheaper than the last minute Halloween costumes you get at Rite Aid!

Goodwill was asking $5.99 and there were still no takers.

Dave Grohl is Taking Flack for Britney Spear’s Observation

Aside

Earlier this week, Foo Fighter frontman, Dave Grohl, made an astute, and might I add accurate, statement about Britney Spears while filling in for Chelsea Handler on her talk show, “Chelsea Lately.”

“She kinda seems dead inside,” Grohl said while talking about the pop star with the show’s panel of comedians. “There’s nothing behind her eyes, there’s nothing in her boobs anymore.”

Even though Grohl’s statement is painfully true, it didn’t stop some die-hard Britney fans from admonishing him on Twitter. Because I’m sure he reads those.

Here’s a few of them:

– Dear Dave Grohl, how about you leave the Britney jokes in 2007 where they were actually relevant
#cheapshot #ass****

-Dave Grohl can f**k right off. Nobody cares about what you think about Britney you sore loser.
– Dave Grohl, you’re nothing but a piece of s**t, How dare you to talk about Britney Spears like that?!?!?!?

God, I hate to see what they would do if he said something that was actually mean-spirited. Have these people seen Britney lately? She walks around gas stations and drug stores in her pajamas, clinging on to puppies and children trying to fill the emptiness in her life with  Fritos and Mountain Dew.

“Dead inside,” is probably the most succinct way of describing that.

britneyspears

Aside

Image

It might be a little premature to name this week’s douche on Wednesday, but Chris Brown never disappoints, and I don’t think anyone is going to top this.

Chris Brown has already proved to us he’s a short-fused woman beater with a violent temper, but he’s also a dirty,filthy liar who faked his court-ordered community service from when he proved his love for Rihanna by punching her in the face. From TMZ:

The L.A. County District Attorney has filed legal documents claiming Chris Brown has violated his probation by submitting bogus community service records  … claiming in one case he swore he was picking up trash in Virginia when he was actually on a PRIVATE JET TO CANCUN …TMZ has learned…

Bryan T. Norwood, the Chief of Police in Richmond, VA., wrote a letter to the judge on September 14, claiming Brown successfully completed 202 days of community service — he was only required to perform 180.

Norwood attached documents showing that Brown frequently worked at Tappahannock Children’s Center — a place where Brown’s mom was once a director — and did odd jobs such as painting, washing windows, waxing floors, cutting grass and picking up trash.

According to legal docs obtained by TMZ … the Richmond P.D. admits they only supervised Brown on 9 or 10 occasions and on all other dates he was not supervised by anyone.

And get this … the detective who had been assigned to oversee Brown’s community service was told she did not have to continue monitoring at the Children’s Center.  The times, location and types of duty were provided by Chris Brown’s mother.
The D.A. claims Chris and the Chief of Police had a prior relationship.

And there’s more.  According to the docs, Chris’ lawyer, Mark Geragos, “instructed” the lawyer for the Richmond P.D. on how to “handle” D.A. investigators’ questions about Chris’ community service.

And Geragos told the probation officer there was a court order that Chris’ community service be removed from the probation department and given to the police chief.  Fact is … there was no such court order…

And there’s more …  the Administrator of the Children’s Center allegedly tried coaching the floor waxing guy on what to say to D.A. investigators, but he refused to lie and in fact had already told investigators he was the only one who waxed the floors for the past 3 years.  Chris claimed in docs he waxed the floors on some occasions.

The judge was suspicious when the community service documents were filed, and sources tell us the D.A. began investigating and found no “credible, competent or verifiable evidence” that Brown did the 180 days community service.

Sources tell TMZ … there’s no way Chris could have performed community service on some of the days, because he was out of the country doing concerts.

The D.A. calls Chris’ documentation “at best sloppy … and at worst fraudulent reporting.”

And there’s more …  the Administrator of the Children’s Center allegedly tried coaching the floor waxing guy on what to say to D.A. investigators, but he refused to lie and in fact had already told investigators he was the only one who waxed the floors for the past 3 years.  Chris claimed in docs he waxed the floors on some occasions.

The judge was suspicious when the community service documents were filed, and sources tell us the D.A. began investigating and found no “credible, competent or verifiable evidence” that Brown did the 180 days community service.

Sources tell TMZ … there’s no way Chris could have performed community service on some of the days, because he was out of the country doing concerts.

The D.A. calls Chris’ documentation “at best sloppy … and at worst fraudulent reporting.”

Using your mom’s connections to get out of doing any actually work is pretty bad. Asking the janitor  to cover for your lazy ass is even worse; did he at least try to to  slip the guy a $20 for his troubles? He probably thought the janitor would be happy to risk his job to lie for a celebrity like Chris Brown!

And Christ, if you’re gonna lie at least be modest, and smart about it. He added an extra 22 days over the required amount of service! I bet he thought that made him look really contrite. He couldn’t even bother to look at the days and make sure he was in the fucking country on days he was claiming to be picking up trash!

But wait, it gets worse! Because Chris Brown is actually the victim in all this. Yes! Last night he took to Instagram to write this piece of word vomit:

“Im a human being and I honestly think I deserve respect Im sick of being accused … Im tired yall Just don’t understand Ive been going through this sh*t since I was 19 years old .. You cant sit here and tell me to calm down, when am I gonna get a positive outcome out of anything I do?”

“Im not gonna sit here and play victim, Im just tired of this sh*t … I pray every day and night for a new outcome … and just when everything seems to be going good some new sh*t happens.”
I’m confused. Is Chris Brown the fourth member of Pussy Riot? Is he Julian Assange? Or Jesus? Wait, nevermind. What I’m saying is Chris is an entitled, spoiled, world-famous millionaire, who thinks he can do whatever the fuck he wants and when anyone tries to call him out on it or impose consequences for his actions he falls back on the whole “I’m being persecuted for who I am” card…like a little bitch.

Bar Rafaeli Makes People Famous With Her Mouth

Aside

Only in America do we make trampling a store worker to death the day after Thanksgiving, and watching commercials a national pass time. And on Sunday we celebrated the latter of those traditions cramming two hours of commercials into an hour and a half of football broken up by a half hour of Beyonce shaking her badonkadonk. God bless this country.

The most important break-out star of the Superbowl, aside from the football people, is the weasely little dweeb who made out with Bar Rafaeli in the Go Daddy commercial, Jesse  Heiman, who told TMZ:

“I’ve actually had guys tweet me that they wish they were me, and girls tweet me saying they wish they were Bar.”

But the interest from the ladies isn’t just from the cyber variety — Jesse explains, “I have girls run up to me and take pictures with me, tweet me for dates.”

Jesse tells us his career has also exploded … saying, “There are lots of inquiries coming in to my agent and manager, their phone has been ringing off the hook, but they are really letting me enjoy the moment right now.”

So making out with a supermodel will get launch your career and get you some Twitter dates. Congratulations Jesse, as long as Hollywood needs someone to play the ‘fat, unnatractive person’ you’ll always have a job.

 

 

 

 

Lady Gaga Sounds Like a Nice Person to Work For

Aside

Lady_Gaga_The_Edge_of_Glory_GMA2

There are a few jobs in the world that I could never, ever be convinced to take, even for a kitten that shit diamonds and coughed up gold coins. Those jobs include Jessica Simpson’s on-call chef, Kim Jong-Un’s accountant or California State Senator of the 35th District, because fuck the 35th!

Also on that list is personal assistant to Lady Gaga. Because despite all of Gaga’s high-minded talk about making a ‘kinder, braver world,’ when it comes down to it she’s really just a mean-spirited harpy, as evidenced by her recent deposition involving a lawsuit against the singer by her former personal assistant for unpaid overtime wages. From the New York Post:

Lady Gaga unloaded on a former personal assistant who’s suing her for overtime pay — blasting the woman in a sworn deposition as a “f–king hood rat who is suing me for money that she didn’t earn.”

“She’s just — she thinks she’s just like the queen of the universe,” Gaga ranted, court records obtained by The Post show.

“And, you know what, she didn’t want to be a slave to one, because in my work and what I do, I’m the queen of the universe every day…”

The “Born This Way” singer couldn’t maintain her poker face, either, shooting a nasty aside at ex-aide Jennifer O’Neill near the start of Gaga’s marathon, six-hour testimony in a Midtown Manhattan law office.

“Are you going to stare at me like a witch this whole time — honestly?” Gaga asked.

“Because this is going to be a long f–k ng day that you brought me here…

During her videotaped Aug. 6 deposition, Gaga said none of her employees get paid overtime, adding that O’Neill “knew exactly what she was getting into, and she knew there was no overtime, and I never paid her overtime the first time I hired her, so why would she be paid overtime the second time?”

“This whole case is bulls–t, and you know it,” she added.

But under questioning, she conceded her decision not to pay overtime wasn’t based on labor laws, but is “actually based on a bubbly, good heart.”

“I’m quite wonderful to everybody that works for me, and I am completely aghast to what a disgusting human being that you have become to sue me like this,” she said.

“Because she slept in Egyptian cotton sheets every night, in five-star hotels, on private planes, eating caviar, partying with [photographer] Terry Richardson all night, wearing my clothes, asking YSL [Yves Saint Laurent] to send her free shoes without my permission, using my YSL discount without my permission.”

Gaga said O’Neill’s job, which paid $75,000 a year, “was essentially a favor, and Jennifer was majorly unqualified for it.”

“I expect there to be a certain level of, like, you know, knowledge and academia about, like, your job,” she said.”

$75,000 a year to be responsible for tucking and taping that queen’s dick between her legs and  listen to that!  It wouldn’t even come close to paying for the years of counseling you would need to ever become sexually aroused again. I’d rather be Phil Spector’s personal assistant.

Image:By TJ Sengel (Lady GAGA, GMA Concert, Lady GAGA GMA Concert) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Chris Brown Had a Misunderstanding With Frank Ocean and Worked it Out Like an Adult

Aside

brown ocean

Chris Brown was involved in a round of fistifuffs with Frank Ocean last night outside a recording studio in LA…over a parking space. What I’m getting is that Chris Brown punched a gay guy in the face because he parked in his spot. Sounds about right. From Page Six:

Chris Brown is at it again.

The hotheaded musician is under investigation for assault after brawling with R&B singer Frank Ocean outside of a Los Angeles recording studio Sunday night, officials said.

Witnesses told investigating deputies that the fight was over a parking space – and that Brown threw the first punch.

Those statements conflict with initial reports of the fight, with other witnesses telling TMZ that someone attacked Chris as he tried to shake Ocean’s hand.

Ocean, who cut his finger in the fight, took to Twitter following the melee: “got jumped by chris and a couple guys. lol. i only wish everest was there,” he wrote. Everest is the name of the singer’s Bernese mountain dog.

I just don’t get this, Chris Brown seems like such a nice, mild-mannered young man. Why are people’s faces always getting in the way of his fist?

Image: Cinemantique [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons &

By Eva Rinaldi (Chris Brown) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Justin Timberlake Releases New Video, Still Sucks

Aside

Justin_Timberlake

Because the whole world has been holding its collective breath and about to pass out in anticipation for any new music from Justin Timberlake, the Original Justin Bieber graced us with a look at his video for “Suit and Tie”, presumably the first single off his up-coming album. Spoiler Alert: It’s embarrassingly bad. Especially when you consider the hype around this thing. I mean the guy made an announcement that he was going to make an announcement to tell us he’s going to have a new album out three months from now.

The things looks like an extended commercial for Brooks Brothers, features product placement from Tom Ford and has the lyrics  bouncing on the screen like some kind of sing-along; except the only people that can sing that high are JT and castrati.

As for the Jay-Z  rap on the track? Let’s just say you know you’ve lost your street credz when you can name drop Tom Ford and Alexander Wang in your rhymes.

Link to video here:http://vevo.ly/W1hnQg I apologize for not being able to embed this but Vevo sucks.

Image:Caroline Bonarde Ucci [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons