Category Archives: The Box

This Explain Everything

Posted on by
Reply

Jeremy Bieber (Above, left)  is primarily responsible for all the ills and instances of douchebaggery in the world.

While Justin Bieber’s mom goes around saying abortion is horrible because if she had an abortion twenty years ago there would be no Justin Bieber and she would still be working a low-paying job, Justin Bieber reminds the world why not only should abortion be legal, but allowed to be retroactively implemented for the first twenty years of the child’s life. In the midst of all this, we overlook the fact that Justin Bieber’s underdeveloped, hairless Y-chromosome had to have come from somewhere. I had just assumed that since most boys learn about manhood and masculinity from their fathers, that Justin Bieber was raised entirely by women and didn’t know what a penis was until an educational trip to the shower with Usher.

But I was reminded that Justin Bieber really did grow up with a male role model by this article from E! that states Justin flew home to Canada to be with his father while he underwent knee surgery, and after seeing one picture of the man attached to the testicle that provided the sperm for the most insufferably obnoxious twat on the planet, I now know why Justin Bieber is what he is. In fact, you could sum up Justin Bieber by saying he’s what you would get if Vanilla Ice, Michelle Bachman and a bottle of maple syrup had a threesome.

This is a Real and Honest Depiction of Britney Spears

Posted on by
Reply

Embedded image permalink

Britney Spears posted this picture  to her Twitter account because everyone knows social media sites are places you go to show true-to-life, candid images of yourself that, while not necessarily portraying you in the most flattering light, give those closest to you a glimpse at your real self; not some public relations platform where a mentally handicapped, thirty-two-year-old mother who subsists on Starbucks and Doritos can be paraded around in fortuitous lighting for the financial benefit of a record label.

That’s what the internet’s for, complete transparency, amIright?

What this photo couldn’t capture was Britney passing out immediately afterward because it’s practically fucking impossible to squeeze your butt cheeks together, suck in your gut and smile at the same time.

Image: Twitter: @britneyspears

Site Discharge

Posted on by
Reply

Some of you, as in none of you, might have noticed that I haven’t posted in the last three weeks. That’s partially due to a lack of an internet provider because I live in a rural area (thanks for nothing AT&T, cocksuckers,) and partially because ignoring a small child while sitting around doing nothing is a lot harder than you would think.

But don’t worry, in that time it would appear the only really important thing I missed was Miley Cyrus demonstrating on national television why NAMBLA is an affront to God. You’re a sick man Robin Thicke! Also, Khloe Kardashian’s husband, basketball player Lamar Odom, has turned to the warm, smoky embrace of a crack pipe because yes, doing drugs with strangers in a seedy motel is preferable to life with a Kardashian. Perhaps Kanye West will come to the same conclusion but with car exhaust.

Oh, and something about Syria, but I’ve never even heard of her before, so I don’t think she’s that famous.

Kevin Federline Remarries, Contemplates Job Market

Posted on by
Reply

File:Longkev.jpg

Apparently there’s still one girl around who doesn’t mind eating Britney Spears’ greasy, gas-inducing leftovers, and no it’s not the remnants of a Cheesy Gordita Crunch, it’s Kevin Federline, whomarried his longtime girlfriend Victoria Price to marry him over the weekend. Aside from the two children he has with Britney, and the two children he has from a relationship prior to Britney, Kevin also has a two-year-old with his new bride, so it would appear his only notable talent is impregnating the women dumb enough to have intercourse with him to create an army of overweight, illiterate children.

I would say he’s the best argument for the Eugenics movement I’ve seen to date, but hey, at least those kids can probably dance.

Image:By Cyprien22 (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

Kris Jenner Prepares for Kanye to Dump Kim

Posted on by
Reply
kim kardashian post baby hiding

“Take that mom, I found someone else to boss me around.”
-Kim Kardashian

Much like you throw away the nasty, soggy peel of a banana after taking out the delicious flesh inside, so Kanye West will eventually dump Kim Kardashian after she birthed his first born child. So naturally, Kris Jenner is already  doing damage control by saying Kanye’s a domineering control freak who dictates Kim’s every move. Jealous anyone? From In Touch via Radar:

“She has to do what he says — or else,” a source told In Touch, in an article that claims Kim has been “trapped by a madman” who’s doing his all to control her every move. ”She knows the littlest thing can set him off. She knows not to push Kanye too far … she’s doing her best to keep him happy.”

Since the birth of his daughter North West June 15, a source told the magazine the Paranoid singer has “brought in more security around the house and won’t let Kim leave.”

The intrusion sets into everything, from what Kim’s wearing, to what she’s tweeting, insiders say.

“When the time comes for her to step out into public, he wants her to be wearing outfits he picked out for her,” a source said. “He’s telling her sisters, mom — everyone — what they can and cannot post on twitter.”

So really Kris is just upset because her position of power has been usurped by a black man, she’s kind of like a Republican in that regard.

Britney Spears Pulls All the Stops For Church

Posted on by
Reply

Image

Britney Spears has already been photographed at her lowest points so many times that she no longer has any problems appearing in public with no eyebrows dressed as a Friends-era escort, especially to attend something as insignificant as church, a place, which I might add, is not nearly as opulent as Britney’s guest bathroom, which she doesn’t even wear pants in, so consider this a step up.

“Ya’ll mean to tell me the Lord don’t got heated towel holders? He really did suffer for my sins.”

I’m not a Christian but I feel pretty confident speaking for Jesus when I say that he would totally disapprove of suede boots, especially with a dress that even Kelly Bundy have rejected as “too trampy on the bottom, but not trampy enough on top.”

“Boots in Summer? Thou hast forsaken me.”

But Britney gets a pass from me because I’m a mom too and I’m lucky to make it out of the house without my tits hanging out of the bottom of my shirt, in a bad way, so she actually beat me this round.

It also appears that Britney’s boyfriend, normal guy willing to play along in order to reap substantial fringe benefits, attempted to match Britney’s mix-matched top and bottom by pulling off the same look. His top says “best man after downing ten drinks at the reception and making out with the bride’s mother,” while the bottom says, “fuck you God, this bitch is worth $200 million.”

Image:Fame/Flynet

You’re Not Fooling Me, Jennifer Aniston

Posted on by
Reply

Image

The internet went apeshit today  over how great Jennifer Aniston supposedly looks without makeup after her stylist, Chris McMillan posted this picture of her on Instagram with the caption “Best #friends #no makeup #girl-time,” 

Even if she isn’t wearing makeup, I fail to see why anyone is impressed that 44-year-old woman with access to every beauty treatment money can buy somehow managed to pull off 42 with the virtue of a filter and good lighting. I guarantee you that if I were as rich as Jennifer Aniston, I wouldn’t look anything like Jennifer Aniston.

Image:Instagram