Above: Despite being worth an estimated $200 million, Britney Spears stays true to her Southern upbringing and prefers to wear stained sweat pants and over-sized sweaters.

Everyone, and by everyone I mean the half-wits at TMZ, has been going ape shit over Britney Spears’ Valentine’s Day sighting with a mystery man. And now we can end our incessant speculation and go back to our mundane, pathetic lives because through investigative journalism worthy of Bob Woodward, TMZ has discovered the guy’s name is David. Just David, no last name. Not even a ‘David but friends call him Dave,’ or ‘David that guy who got caught jerking off on kittens in the pet store.’ Just David.

They did manage to find out that he’s originally from Atlanta, he works for a law firm doing field research, which I’m almost positive mean he’s a professional stalker, and he’s a decent tipper. I’m glad to see that Britney’s going back to her Southern roots as far as dating goes; because Britney’s really just a small-town, country bumpkin at heart and she’s not going to find love living in LA.

Britney doesn’t know it yet, but her true love is the guy working at the feed store in PoDunk, Alabama, named ‘Possum’ who’s missing two fingers.

Image:Pacific Coast News