This Explain Everything

Jeremy Bieber (Above, left)  is primarily responsible for all the ills and instances of douchebaggery in the world.

While Justin Bieber’s mom goes around saying abortion is horrible because if she had an abortion twenty years ago there would be no Justin Bieber and she would still be working a low-paying job, Justin Bieber reminds the world why not only should abortion be legal, but allowed to be retroactively implemented for the first twenty years of the child’s life. In the midst of all this, we overlook the fact that Justin Bieber’s underdeveloped, hairless Y-chromosome had to have come from somewhere. I had just assumed that since most boys learn about manhood and masculinity from their fathers, that Justin Bieber was raised entirely by women and didn’t know what a penis was until an educational trip to the shower with Usher.

But I was reminded that Justin Bieber really did grow up with a male role model by this article from E! that states Justin flew home to Canada to be with his father while he underwent knee surgery, and after seeing one picture of the man attached to the testicle that provided the sperm for the most insufferably obnoxious twat on the planet, I now know why Justin Bieber is what he is. In fact, you could sum up Justin Bieber by saying he’s what you would get if Vanilla Ice, Michelle Bachman and a bottle of maple syrup had a threesome.

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